Harriet Rubin didn't just write a book. She handed a grenade to every woman sitting in a boardroom pretending she was one of the boys. Published in the late nineties, The Princessa: Machiavelli for Women arrived during a time when "power" for women meant wearing shoulder pads and speaking in a lower register. It was a weird, bold, and slightly dangerous era for career advice.
Most people hear the title and think it’s about being a spoiled brat. They’re wrong.
Actually, it's the exact opposite of that. Rubin, who founded the legendary Currency imprint at Doubleday, spent years watching how "great men" like CEOs and economists moved through the world. She noticed something. When women tried to copy those moves, they usually lost. They were fighting on male turf using male rules.
So she wrote a manifesto.
Why The Princessa Still Matters
Honestly, the core message of The Princessa is about refusing to be "equal." That sounds like heresy in 2026, right? But Rubin’s point is that if you strive for equality, you’re just striving to be as good as the person who set the rules. You’re playing catch-up.
She argues that a woman’s power lies in her difference.
Instead of cold logic and linear aggression—the hallmarks of Machiavelli's The Prince—the "Princessa" uses "wars of intimacy." This isn't about being manipulative in a gross way. It’s about understanding that human connection, intuition, and even vulnerability are high-level strategic weapons.
The Strategy of "Besting"
Rubin introduces this concept called "besting." It’s kinda different from winning. Winning implies someone else has to lose, which creates enemies. Besting is about out-imagining your opponent. You change the game so entirely that the old conflict doesn't even matter anymore.
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Think about a standard salary negotiation.
A "Prince" might go in with a list of demands and a "take it or leave it" attitude.
A "Princessa" might realize the boss is terrified of losing her and use that emotional leverage to restructure her entire role.
It's about having a presence of authority rather than just control. Control is brittle. Presence is magnetic.
The Machiavelli Flip
Niccolò Machiavelli told rulers to be feared rather than loved. Harriet Rubin says that’s a trap for women. If a woman is feared, she’s often marginalized or labeled with words we can't print here. But if she uses passion and "outrageousness," she becomes a force that can't be ignored.
She draws on historical figures like Joan of Arc and Magda Trocmé. These weren't women who waited for permission. They didn't ask for a seat at the table; they brought their own table and sat at the head of it.
Power Anorexia
One of the most stinging parts of the book is when Rubin talks about "Power Anorexia."
Basically, it’s the way many women starve themselves of influence because they’re afraid of being disliked. You’ve seen it. You’ve probably done it. It’s that thing where you use "I think" or "maybe" to soften a statement so nobody gets their feelings hurt.
Rubin hates that.
She wants you to speak in declarations. She wants you to stop being a "wimp" who can negotiate a million-dollar deal for a company but can't ask for a five-percent raise for herself.
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Real-World Nuance: It’s Not All Sunshine
Let’s be real for a second. The book has its critics. Some readers find it a bit too poetic or "clipped" in its delivery. There’s a valid concern that some of the tactics—like using speed or proximity to determine an opponent's behavior—can border on the manipulative.
Also, it doesn't always provide a neat, step-by-step "how-to."
It’s more of a mindset shift.
It asks you to look at conflict as "contact."
Most people avoid conflict like it's the flu. Rubin says conflict is a relationship. It's how you build power. If you’re not in conflict, you’re invisible.
Actionable Next Steps for the Modern Princessa
If you want to actually use the philosophy of The Princessa in your life right now, don't just read it as a historical artifact. Apply the friction.
- Identify your "Power Anorexia." Track how many times today you used a qualifier like "I'm not sure if this is right, but..." Stop doing that. State your premise and let it hang in the air.
- Choose "Impact" over "Control." In your next meeting, don't try to dominate the conversation. Instead, aim to be the person whose presence shifts the energy of the room. This usually involves listening more and speaking with more "velocity" when you finally do.
- Redefine Your Battles. Stop fighting the small stuff. If someone is trying to pull you into a petty corporate squabble, "best" them by ignoring the fight entirely and focusing on a project that makes their drama look insignificant.
- Embrace the Dark. Rubin ends on a Stoic note. Sometimes you won't win. Sometimes the environment is toxic. In those moments, your power is in your perspective. Like a candle in the dark, your value is defined by how you hold your light when things get difficult.
The "Princessa" isn't a title you're born with. It’s a strategy you choose. It’s about being fierce, unyielding, and completely authentic to yourself—without ever feeling the need to apologize for it.