If you’ve ever felt like your life was a series of missed connections and "almosts," you’re going to find a strange, painful home in Matthew Thomas We Are Not Ourselves. It’s not just a book. Honestly, it’s more like a physical weight you carry around for 600-plus pages.
Most people see a "generational saga" tag and think of dusty libraries or dry historical dates. This isn't that. It’s a raw, sometimes frustrating, and deeply human look at what happens when the American Dream doesn't just fail—it dissolves.
The Eileen Tumulty Problem
Eileen Tumulty is the heart of the story. She’s tough. Maybe too tough. Born in 1941 to Irish immigrant parents in Woodside, Queens, she spends her childhood navigating a house fueled by equal parts alcohol and unspoken disappointment.
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You've probably met someone like Eileen. She’s the person who thinks that if she just works hard enough, saves 10% of every paycheck, and buys the right mink coat, the "hollow" feeling will finally go away. She’s a nurse by trade, which makes sense because she spent her youth caring for parents who were often too drunk to care for her.
Then she meets Ed Leary.
Ed is a scientist and a teacher. He’s "substantial," as the book puts it. But he’s also confusingly content. He turns down promotions. He doesn’t care about the bigger house or the better neighborhood. For Eileen, who is desperate to climb the social ladder, Ed’s lack of ambition is a slow-burning fuse.
When the Mind Commands the Body to Suffer
The title Matthew Thomas We Are Not Ourselves comes from King Lear. It’s a heavy reference, but it fits. The quote goes: "We are not ourselves / when nature, being oppressed, commands the mind / to suffer with the body."
About halfway through the book, the narrative takes a sharp, brutal turn. Ed starts acting... off. He’s a brilliant guy, but he can’t calculate his students’ grades anymore. He becomes obsessed with weird tasks. He gets angry.
It’s early-onset Alzheimer’s.
This is where Matthew Thomas separates himself from every other writer who has tried to tackle dementia. He doesn’t make it poetic. It’s messy. It’s expensive. It’s violent.
The Cost of Survival
One of the most authentic parts of the novel is the focus on money. Eileen has spent her life being responsible, but the American healthcare system doesn't care.
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- She spends her salary and Ed's pension on care.
- She remortgages the house she worked so hard to get.
- She takes out loans for their son, Connell, to go to a fancy prep school he’s not even sure he wants to attend.
It’s a sobering portrait of the middle-class trap. You work your whole life to "be someone," and then a biological glitch wipes out your bank account and your identity in one go.
Connell’s Burden
The second half of the book shifts focus toward their son, Connell. If Eileen is the engine of the family, Connell is the collateral damage. He grows up in the shadow of his father’s decline.
There’s a specific scene that sticks with almost everyone who reads it. Connell has to help his father with basic, humiliating physical needs. Thomas writes this without any of the usual "movie-magic" sentimentality. It’s just hard work. It’s the strange, quiet privilege of caring for someone who doesn’t even know who you are anymore.
Why We Still Talk About This Book
It took Matthew Thomas ten years to write this. You can tell. Every sentence feels lived-in. He based a lot of the details on his own father’s battle with Alzheimer’s, which explains why the medical details feel so hauntingly accurate.
Real-World Themes You’ll Recognize:
- The Myth of Progress: Eileen thinks moving from Queens to a "better" neighborhood will change her soul. It doesn't.
- The Fragility of Identity: Who are you when your memories are gone? Ed was a teacher and a lover of Mozart. By the end, he’s just a "No" shouted repeatedly at a wall.
- Class Anxiety: The subtle racism and "white flight" of the 1960s and 70s are handled with an uncomfortable, honest lens.
What You Should Do Next
If you’re looking to dive into Matthew Thomas We Are Not Ourselves, don’t expect a beach read. It’s a commitment.
1. Prepare for the "Slog": The first 100-150 pages are dense. They set up the "salad days" of the family. Don't skip them. The payoff in the final 200 pages only works if you’ve felt the slow build-up of Eileen’s life.
2. Look for the Symbols: Watch the gold watch and the mink coat. They represent everything Eileen wants and everything she realizes doesn't actually matter.
3. Check the Audiobook: If the 600-page count is intimidating, the audiobook narrated by Mare Winningham is incredible. It captures Eileen’s Queens accent and the shifting tone of the decades perfectly.
4. Contextualize the Healthcare Aspect: Read it as a critique of how we treat the elderly and the sick in the U.S. It makes the story feel even more urgent and relevant to current political discussions.
Ultimately, this book is about the "peeling away of illusions." It’s about realizing that a good life isn’t measured by the square footage of your house, but by the dignity you maintain when everything else is stripped away.