A couple of questions:
The lack of dithering on the uniform was an attempt to convey a different texture to either the hair or the face. Do I take it that this wasn't working very well? Your edit only uses it sparingly on the uniform, but I'm not sure if that's just because there are bigger problems with the head.
Similarly, the way I've done the top of the right (picture-wise) shoulder patch was attempting to convey the softer fabric of the jumpsuit creasing over the more rigid edge of the patch. I know I exaggerated the appearance a bit, but does this not read well?
Was attempting to evoke scan lines with the shading a bad idea?
I didn't work much on the jumpsuit because I was trying to keep myself focused on her likeness. Only at the very end I decided to look around for any other things that could be fixed, and there wasn't anything major with the jumpsuit.
Actually, I consider most of what I did were tweaks, except maybe for the eyes and the mouth.
By comparing your image with the reference, it seemed to me that some areas could benefit from a tone in between the 2 darkest ones just to give it a bit more detail... But it does work well without it. It was one of those things that I didn't know if I should do, but ended up doing anyway...although I probably should have added it in other areas as well, not just to a single spot.
I couldn't help myself in softening some areas with dithering, maybe I should have tried to keep it to a very minimum.
So, yeah. I used it to soften the face, then decided to use it on the arm, then said what the heck, let's use it on the neck and ...weeeell, let's put some of it on the jumpsuit as well.
Yours is much more consistent.
Oh the shoulder folds, it does read as that. I was just trying to copy the original image.
I really like your style of using lines instead of just dithering to soften some areas, it has a very cool look to it; I just didn't use it because it would be harder for me to try and emulate. As I have made some dither brushes in Photoshop, it was just a matter of grabbing those and painting in some larger-ish areas instead of painting dot by dot by dot.
But maybe it should have been used in the whole picture as a single style of "dither", similar to using hatching instead of stippling when you're drawing pen and ink, and not both things at the same time.
Not that that's wrong, but maybe it would improve the image? I don't really know.
Does it evoke scanlines? Sorta. It may need a bunch more to really sell that.