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Okay, there's lots to talk about. First of all I have to tell you that your piece puts out such a wonderful mood, something like a summer photo of a friend I haven't seen in years, that sort of thing. There's technical critique forever, but there's no critique for catching 'spirit'. In that you have succeeded and I applaud you for it.
Now things you might find interesting. Your original piece suffers from some issues. Lack of contrast is one (which Gil's edit fixed to a degree), lack of
luminance range is another. It's not the same thing as the contrast fault. You have closely packed middle shades, no highlights and no darks to speak of on the skin. This creates a very strange sensation as if the hair is not really on the head, but is floating, same for the eyebrows, eyes and muth ridges. The jump is just too sharp, such lighting conditions do not occur easily, and though a stylistic choice could be good enough reason to accept and move on, you really don't 'sell' it very well, technique wise.
You needed more buffer shades, a fuller ramp from dark to light, so you can AA edges but also more importantly, create more levels to express the volume of your piece better.
The monochromaticism you had going on your original is a choice. I dothings differently, but they're no more correct than your attempt, so my colors are just there as a reference to 'how else I could do it', not a real critique. Same goes for dithering. The piece would look fine without any dithering, it's just a blending embellishment.
If the volumes are good, the piece works with and without dithering. Keep this in mind anyone that overdepends on dithers to convey detail and interest. Study how a rock is formed and hit by light, don't study the texture of a carpet, so to speak.
What however I really feel needs to go are those sharp 'selout' pixels on the edge of the jaw. I really don't see them adding anything to the clarity of the jawline, they're only unpleasant for me, though others might disagree.
That's most of it as far as I can tell. I might update the edit for likeness reasons once you show us your photo.