Love is usually sold as the ultimate prize, the thing we’re all supposed to be chasing until we find "the one." But honestly? Sometimes it’s a total nightmare. You're sitting there, staring at a text—or the lack of one—feeling your chest tighten, and the only thought in your head is: i wish i wasn't in love with you. It’s a heavy, suffocating realization. It’s the moment you realize your feelings have become a liability rather than an asset.
It hurts.
We aren't talking about the cute, rom-com "it's complicated" kind of pain. We’re talking about the visceral, biological urge to be with someone who is objectively wrong for you, or who doesn't want you, or who has caused you so much grief that you’ve lost track of who you were before they arrived.
The Science of Why You're Stuck
You might feel weak because you can't just "get over it," but your biology is actually working against you. When you’re in love, your brain is essentially high. Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist who has spent decades scanning the brains of people in love, found that the reward system—specifically the ventral tegmental area—lights up just like it does in a person with a cocaine addiction.
When you say "i wish i wasn't in love with you," you’re essentially describing a withdrawal symptom. Your brain is demanding its fix of dopamine and oxytocin, and when it doesn't get it, it panics. It triggers the same regions of the brain that process physical pain. That’s why your chest actually aches. It's not a metaphor. It’s your insular cortex reacting to emotional distress as if you’d just broken a bone.
The neurochemistry of "craving" someone who is bad for you is incredibly stubborn. You’ve built neural pathways that associate this person with survival. Breaking that bond feels like dying because, to your primitive brain, losing a pair-bond was a death sentence for most of human history.
When Love Becomes a Trap
There are plenty of reasons why you might reach the breaking point. Maybe you’re in love with someone who is emotionally unavailable. Maybe they’re toxic. Or maybe, and this is often the hardest one to swallow, they’re a perfectly "good" person but they just don't love you back.
Unrequited love is a specific kind of hell. You find yourself analyzing every "like" on Instagram or every casual "hey" as if it’s a coded message from the universe. It's exhausting. You start to resent your own heart. You wonder why you can't just flip a switch and be done with it.
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The psychological term for this obsessive, involuntary state is limerence, a word coined by Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s. Limerence isn't just "liking" someone. It’s an intrusive, all-consuming longing. If you’re stuck in limerence, your brain is basically trapped in a loop. You aren't in love with the person; you're in love with the possibility of them.
The Misconception of "Closure"
Most people think they need a big, dramatic conversation to stop feeling this way. They think if they could just explain exactly how much they're hurting, the other person will finally understand, and then—magically—the feelings will evaporate.
That almost never happens.
Seeking closure from the person who is causing the pain is like asking a fire to put itself out. Real closure is a DIY project. It happens when you decide that the version of this person you're in love with doesn't actually exist in reality. You’re in love with a ghost, or a potential version of them that they haven't lived up to.
Breaking the Cycle
How do you actually start the process of moving on when you're still screaming "i wish i wasn't in love with you" into your pillow at 2 AM?
First, you have to acknowledge the Intermittent Reinforcement. This is a concept B.F. Skinner discovered while studying pigeons. If a pigeon gets a pellet every time it hits a lever, it stays calm. But if it only gets a pellet sometimes, it becomes obsessed. It will hit that lever until its beak bleeds. If the person you love gives you just enough attention to keep you hopeful—a late-night text here, a deep conversation there—they are accidentally training you to be addicted to them.
You have to stop hitting the lever.
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Radical Acceptance
You have to accept that you feel this way without judging yourself for it. Telling yourself "I shouldn't feel this" only creates more tension. Instead, try saying: "I am currently in love with someone who is not right for me. This is a temporary chemical state."
The "No Contact" Rule
It’s a cliché for a reason. You cannot heal in the same environment that made you sick. Every time you check their social media, you are giving your brain a tiny hit of that "drug," which resets the withdrawal clock. You need at least 30 to 90 days of zero interaction to let your neurochemistry stabilize. No "checking in." No "staying friends" (not yet, anyway). No looking at old photos.
Rewrite the Narrative
We tend to romanticize the people we want. We remember the way they laughed or that one perfect Tuesday in October. To break the spell, you need to deliberately remember the bad stuff. The times they ignored you. The way they made you feel small. The inconsistencies. Make a list of these things on your phone. Read it every time you feel the urge to reach out.
Why Time Doesn't Heal Everything (But Action Does)
People say "time heals all wounds," but that’s a bit of a lie. Time only heals if you aren't picking at the scab. If you spend three years pining and checking their LinkedIn, three years won't do a damn thing.
You have to actively choose to build a life that is so big and interesting that there is less room for them in it. This isn't about "finding someone else" to fill the gap. It's about filling the gap with yourself. Reconnect with the hobbies you dropped because they didn't like them. Go to the places they never wanted to go.
It’s okay to grieve. You are grieving the loss of a future you thought you had. That’s a real loss. Treat it with the same respect you would treat any other death.
Actionable Steps to Take Today
If you’re currently drowning in the "i wish i wasn't in love with you" phase, here is what you need to do right now:
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Mute, Don't Just Unfollow: If unfollowing feels too aggressive or final, use the "Mute" or "Restrict" features on social media. You need to remove their face from your daily feed without the drama of a public "unfriending" if you aren't ready for that yet.
The "Wait 24 Hours" Rule: If you feel an overwhelming urge to text them, tell yourself you can do it—but only after 24 hours have passed. Usually, the "dopamine spike" that caused the urge will subside by then, and your rational brain will take over.
Physical Movement: It sounds annoying, but intense exercise actually helps flush out the stress hormones (cortisol) that accumulate when you're heartbroken. It’s a biological hack to move the pain through your body.
Identify Your Triggers: Does a certain song make you spiral? A specific coffee shop? For the next month, avoid them. You are in recovery. Protect your environment.
Talk to a Pro: If this has been going on for months and you feel like you can't function, look into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). It is incredibly effective at breaking the "rumination loops" that keep us stuck in love with people who aren't good for us.
Loving someone you don't want to love is one of the most isolating experiences a human can have. But remember: your brain is plastic. It can change. It will change. One day, you’ll wake up and realize you haven't thought about them in twenty-four hours. Then forty-eight. Then a week. The weight will lift, not because they changed, but because you finally stopped waiting for them to.