You’re sitting across from someone new and it hits you. That familiar, dizzying rush of heat. It’s the third time this year. Or maybe the tenth. You tell your friends, and they roll their eyes because they’ve heard this story before. "Here we go again," they say. Honestly, it feels like a curse sometimes. Why do i keep on falling in love with people I barely know? It isn't just a lack of discipline. It’s a complex cocktail of neurochemistry, attachment styles, and sometimes, a little bit of trauma-informed pattern seeking.
Love is a drug. Seriously. When we talk about "falling," we are talking about a physiological takeover. Your brain isn't just being romantic; it’s being hijacked by dopamine and oxytocin. For some people, the threshold for this hijack is just lower.
The Science of the "Serial Faller"
Most people think falling in love is a slow burn. For the frequent flyer, it’s a wildfire. Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist who has spent decades scanning the brains of people in love, found that the ventral tegmental area (VTA) lights up like a Christmas tree during early-stage infatuation. This is the same part of the brain associated with cocaine addiction.
When you say i keep on falling in love, you might actually be describing a dopamine loop. Your brain craves the novelty. The "new relationship energy" (NRE) provides a spike in feel-good chemicals that masks red flags. You aren't falling for the person; you’re falling for the way your brain feels when they text you back. It’s a biological high that eventually wears off, usually around the six-to-eighteen-month mark. But if you're someone who jumps from person to person, you might just be chasing the peak of that curve over and over again.
Empathy or Projection?
There is a psychological phenomenon called "propinquity." Basically, we like what is near us. But for those who fall fast, it goes deeper into something called "idealization." You see a stranger in a coffee shop reading your favorite book and suddenly you've lived an entire life with them in your head.
You’re projecting. You aren't seeing the human being; you’re seeing a canvas. This is common in people with high levels of openness to experience—one of the "Big Five" personality traits. If you’re creative and imaginative, your brain is really good at filling in the blanks. You don't know they leave dirty socks on the floor or that they have a mean streak when they're tired. You just see the book. And the smile. And the potential.
Attachment Styles and the "Spark"
We have to talk about how you were raised. It sounds cliché, but the way you bonded with your primary caregivers dictates your adult romantic life. If you find yourself constantly saying i keep on falling in love with people who eventually pull away, you might have an anxious attachment style.
Anxious attachers are hyper-attuned to shifts in a partner's mood. They seek intimacy quickly because intimacy feels like safety. To an anxious attacher, the "spark" is often just their nervous system recognizing a familiar pattern of instability.
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- Anxious Attachment: You crave extreme closeness and get "hooked" on the first sign of affection.
- Avoidant Attachment: You might fall in love often but run the second it gets real, leading to a cycle of short, intense bursts.
- Disorganized Attachment: A mix of both that creates a chaotic "push-pull" dynamic.
Psychologist Dr. Stan Tatkin, author of Wired for Love, suggests that our brains are "social organs." We are literally wired to connect. But for some, that wiring is a bit too sensitive. It’s like a smoke alarm that goes off every time someone lights a candle. You feel the heat and assume there's a fire.
The Limerence Trap
Is it love? Or is it limerence? Psychologist Dorothy Tennov coined the term "limerence" in the 1970s to describe an involuntary state of intense romantic desire. It’s characterized by intrusive thoughts and an acute need for reciprocation.
Limerence is the "obsessive" stage. If you find yourself checking their Instagram followers at 3:00 AM or re-reading a three-word text for "hidden meanings," you’re likely in a limerent state. People who say i keep on falling in love are often actually "limerence prone." They enjoy the agony and the ecstasy of the crush more than the mundane reality of a long-term partnership.
The problem is that limerence is unsustainable. It’s an endurance sport for the heart. Real love requires a shift from the "I" to the "We," but limerence is entirely about how you feel. It’s a self-centered state, even though it feels like it’s all about the other person.
The Role of Loneliness
Let's be real. Sometimes we fall in love because the alternative is being alone with our own thoughts. In a post-pandemic world where "touch starvation" is a documented medical reality, a simple hand on the small of your back can feel like a spiritual awakening.
If you lack a strong community or a sense of purpose outside of your romantic life, every potential partner becomes a Life Raft. You aren't falling in love; you’re trying not to drown. When you’re in "survival mode," anyone who offers a bit of warmth feels like the Sun.
How to Slow the Roll
Breaking the cycle of i keep on falling in love isn't about becoming a cynic. It’s about becoming a "slow lover." It sounds boring. It is boring. But boring is where the healthy stuff grows.
You have to learn to vet people. Most "fast fallers" skip the interview process. They go straight to the wedding planning. Instead of asking "Do they like me?" try asking "Do I actually like them?"
Look at their track record. How do they treat service workers? How do they talk about their exes? If every ex is "crazy," you’re likely looking at the common denominator. If you’re blinded by the "spark," you won't see these things until you’re six months deep and wondering why your life is a mess again.
Practical Steps for the Chronic Romantic
If you want to stop the cycle, you need a circuit breaker. Here is how you actually do that in the real world.
- The 90-Day Rule: Commit to not making any major life changes (moving in, sharing bank accounts, getting tattoos) for at least three months. This allows the initial dopamine spike to settle.
- Date Multiple People: This sounds counter-intuitive, but for the person who falls too fast, focusing all your energy on one person creates an obsession. Spreading your attention helps you maintain perspective.
- Audit Your "Type": If you keep falling for the "brooding artist" or the "unreachable executive," you aren't falling in love; you’re trying to solve a puzzle. Stop dating puzzles. Date people who are transparent.
- Check Your Narrative: Stop telling yourself the story that "this is the one" after the first date. Tell yourself "this is a stranger I had a nice dinner with." Language matters.
It’s also worth looking into the concept of "Emotional Granularity." This is the ability to distinguish between different emotions. Are you in love? Or are you just excited? Are you in love? Or are you just relieved that someone finally paid attention to you? The more specific you can get about your feelings, the less power they have to sweep you away.
Actionable Next Steps
To move forward, you need to ground your romantic life in reality rather than fantasy. Start by keeping a "dating journal." This isn't for poems. This is for facts. After a date, write down exactly what happened and exactly what they said. No "I felt like we were soulmates." Write: "They were 15 minutes late and talked about their boss the whole time."
When the "falling" sensation starts, read those notes. It acts as a cold splash of water to the face. You should also focus on building "Social Capital" outside of dating. Invest in your friendships. Join a club. Go to the gym. The more full your life is, the less you need a relationship to complete it.
Finally, consider talking to a therapist specifically about your attachment style. If you’re stuck in a loop of i keep on falling in love with people who aren't good for you, there is usually an underlying reason that dates back to your childhood. Unpacking that isn't fun, but it’s the only way to change the blueprint. You deserve a love that is built on a foundation of mutual respect and shared values, not just a temporary chemical surge. It takes time. It takes effort. But eventually, you can learn to walk into love instead of falling into it.