It usually starts with a sticker on a laptop or a trendy t-shirt that says "Good Vibes Only." We think we’re being helpful. We really do. When a friend loses their job, we jump in with, "Everything happens for a reason!" When a partner is grieving, we tell them to "look on the bright side." I’ve done it. You’ve probably done it. For a long time, I didn’t know I radiated toxic positivity, and honestly, I thought I was just being the "optimistic one" in the group. I thought I was the light.
The reality? I was exhausting everyone.
Toxic positivity isn't about being happy; it's about the dysfunctional overgeneralization of a happy, optimistic state across all situations. It’s a refusal to acknowledge human pain. According to Dr. Susan David, a psychologist at Harvard Medical School and author of Emotional Agility, forcing positivity on ourselves and others is actually a form of avoidance. It’s a way of saying, "Your discomfort makes me uncomfortable, so please stop having it."
The Moment I Realized I Radiated Toxic Positivity
Self-awareness usually hits like a cold bucket of water. For me, it was a conversation with a close friend who was going through a messy divorce. I kept hitting her with "You’re better off!" and "Now you can find yourself!" She finally snapped. She told me that every time she talked to me, she felt like she had to perform happiness just to be allowed in the room.
That hurt. But it was true.
When you radiate this energy, you aren't actually supporting people. You're silencing them. You’re telling them that their authentic experience—which might be grief, anger, or fear—is "wrong" or "low-vibe." This creates a shame cycle. If I tell you to just "choose joy" while you’re depressed, and you can’t, now you’re depressed and you feel like a failure for not being joyful.
Why our brains love the "Positive Only" trap
We are biologically wired to avoid pain. It's a survival mechanism. Our brains see negative emotions as threats. When we see someone else suffering, our mirror neurons fire, and we feel a shadow of that pain. To stop our own discomfort, we try to "fix" their mood with a platitude.
It’s a shortcut.
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Truly sitting with someone in their darkness is hard work. It requires emotional labor. Throwing a quote from a Pinterest board at them is easy. It’s the fast food of emotional support—tastes okay for a second, but leaves you feeling empty and slightly sick afterward.
The Signs You’re Accidentally Being Toxic
You might think you're just being supportive, but there are subtle cues that you're crossing the line.
- Hiding your own "bad" feelings. If you feel guilty for being sad, you’re doing it to yourself first.
- Invalidating others. Using phrases like "it could be worse" or "at least..." is a dead giveaway.
- The "shame" factor. You feel annoyed when people don't "cheer up" after you give them advice.
- The perspective shove. You force people to see the silver lining before they’ve even finished crying.
Psychologists often point to the "Dismissive-Avoidant" attachment style as a frequent flyer in this category. If you grew up in a house where crying was met with "I'll give you something to cry about," you likely learned that negative emotions are dangerous. So, you grew up to be the person who radiates "positivity" as a shield.
The Science of Suppressing "Negative" Emotions
When we suppress emotions, they don't go away. They just migrate.
A famous study by Wegner et al. (1987) on "ironic process theory" showed that the more we try to suppress a thought, the more it haunts us. If I tell you, "Whatever you do, don't think about a white bear," what's the first thing you see? A white bear.
The same happens with sadness.
Research from the University of Texas has shown that by not acknowledging our feelings, we actually make them stronger. Physical stress markers increase. Heart rates go up. If I didn’t know I radiated toxic positivity, it’s because I was too busy managing my own internal "white bears" to notice that I was forcing others to do the same.
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The difference between Validation and Positivity
Validation is the antidote.
Validation sounds like: "That sounds incredibly hard. I can see why you're stressed."
Toxic positivity sounds like: "Don't stress! It’ll all work out!"
One allows the person to exist in their reality. The other demands they move to yours.
Breaking the Cycle of Radiant Toxicity
Changing this isn't about becoming a pessimist. I still like being happy. I still like looking for solutions. But I’ve learned that the solution can’t come before the acknowledgment.
If you suspect you’ve been the "positive" steamroller in your friend group, start by listening longer than is comfortable. When someone tells you something terrible, count to ten before you offer a "but." Better yet, don't offer a "but" at all. Try saying, "That sucks, and I’m sorry."
It feels vulnerable. It feels "unproductive." But it’s the only way to build real intimacy.
Real-world scenarios and how to flip them
Scenario A: A coworker says they are overwhelmed with a project.
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- Old Response: "You've got this! You're a rockstar!"
- Better Response: "The workload sounds really intense right now. Which part is the most frustrating?"
Scenario B: A sibling is worried about their health.
- Old Response: "Stay positive! Thoughts become things!"
- Better Response: "It's scary waiting for news. I'm here to wait with you."
Scenario C: You feel like a failure because you didn't hit a goal.
- Old Response: "Everything is a lesson! No failures, only growth!"
- Better Response: "I’m disappointed. I worked hard and it didn't happen. I'm going to be annoyed about this for a day, then I'll look at the data."
Moving Toward Emotional Truthtelling
We have to stop treating "negative" emotions like they are contagious diseases. They are just data points. Fear tells us what we value. Anger tells us where our boundaries have been crossed. Sadness tells us what we’ve lost.
If we filter those out, we’re living half a life.
The goal isn't to be a "positive person." The goal is to be a whole person. A whole person can be happy at a wedding and devastated at a funeral, and they don't try to mix the two up.
Actionable Steps for the "Recovering" Toxic Optimist
- Audit your vocabulary. Stop using the word "just." As in, "Just think happy thoughts" or "Just move on." It minimizes the effort required to process hard things.
- Practice the "Hold and Fold." Hold space for the emotion (let it be there) and then fold it into the conversation only when the other person is ready to pivot to solutions.
- Ask, "Do you want to be helped, heard, or hugged?" This is a game-changer. It prevents you from "positivity-fixing" someone who just needs to vent.
- Embrace the "And." You can be grateful for your life and be miserable about your current situation at the same time. Both are true.
- Watch your social media consumption. If your feed is nothing but "hustle culture" and "manifestation" gurus, you are being programmed to see normal human struggle as a personal defect. Unfollow the accounts that make you feel like you aren't allowed to have a bad day.
Real connection doesn't happen in the light. It happens in the cracks. When you stop radiating that blinding, artificial sun, you finally allow the people around you—and yourself—to breathe in the shade.