It happens in a flash. A comment at dinner, a forgotten text, or a subtle jab disguised as a joke. Suddenly, your stomach drops. You're hurt. But then the internal debate starts: "Is it worth bringing up?" or "Maybe I’m just being too sensitive." Honestly, most people wait way too long to speak up. They let the resentment simmer until it boils over into an unrelated fight about the dishes or the laundry. Learning how to tell someone that they hurt you isn't actually about being "confrontational." It is about boundary maintenance. If you don't say anything, you're essentially giving them a map of your heart that has all the wrong directions on it.
You've probably heard the old advice about using "I" statements. It’s a classic for a reason. But here is the thing: "I feel like you're being a jerk" is not an "I" statement. That’s just an accusation with a hat on. True communication requires a level of vulnerability that feels frankly terrifying for most of us. According to Dr. Brené Brown, a research professor at the University of Houston who has spent decades studying vulnerability, "Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind." When you hide your hurt to "keep the peace," you aren't actually keeping the peace. You're just starting a cold war.
The "Cooling Off" Trap
Most people think they should wait until they are perfectly calm to talk. Big mistake. While you shouldn't scream, waiting too long—like three weeks later—makes the other person feel blindsided. They have already moved on. They don't even remember the dinner where they ignored you.
If you wait for the "perfect" moment, it'll never come. You'll just keep rehearsing the conversation in your head until you've already argued with a phantom version of them. By the time you actually talk to the real person, you're already exhausted and angry. It's better to speak up when the memory is fresh, but the heat of the initial anger has dropped just enough that you can breathe.
Is it "Small" or is it a Pattern?
Sometimes we tell ourselves it's a "small thing." But small things become big things when they happen five times a week. If someone is consistently late, it’s not about the five minutes; it’s about the fact that your time isn't being respected. When you decide how to tell someone that they hurt you, you need to identify if you are reacting to the event or the pattern.
A single instance is a mistake. A pattern is a choice.
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If it's a one-off, you might just need a quick "Hey, that bummed me out." If it’s a pattern, you need a sit-down. Dr. John Gottman, the famous relationship researcher, notes that "harsh startups"—beginning a conversation with a criticism or a sarcasm—are the biggest predictors of a conversation failing. You want a "soft startup." Instead of "You always ignore me," try "I've been feeling a bit disconnected lately, and it hurt when you didn't check in."
Scripts That Actually Work (Without Looking Like a Robot)
You don't need a teleprompter. You just need a framework. A lot of people find the "When you [X], I felt [Y], because [Z]" formula helpful, but let's be real: people don't talk like that in real life. It sounds like a therapy office.
Try these more natural approaches:
- The "Story I'm Telling Myself" Approach: This is a Brené Brown staple. You say, "Hey, when you didn't call last night, the story I'm telling myself is that you don't really care about my big presentation." This is genius because it’s not an accusation. You're just sharing your internal experience. It gives them room to say, "Oh my god, no, I just fell asleep on the couch!"
- The "Ouch" Method: Sometimes, in the middle of a conversation, you just need to say "Ouch." It’s a verbal speed bump. It lets them know they crossed a line without stopping the whole flow of the evening.
- The Check-In: "I’ve been carrying something around for a few days and it’s making me feel distant from you. Can we talk about it?" This signals that your goal is closeness, not punishment.
Why They Get Defensive (And What to Do)
Even if you do everything right, they might still get defensive. It's a natural human reflex. When we hear "you hurt me," our brains often hear "you are a bad person." People will try to flip the script. They'll bring up something you did in 2014. They'll tell you that you're "too sensitive."
This is called "gaslighting" in extreme cases, but often it’s just poor emotional regulation. If they start deflecting, stay on your island. Don't go to theirs.
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"I hear that you're upset about what I did last month, and I'm happy to talk about that later. But right now, I'm trying to talk about how I felt today."
Stick to the point. If they refuse to acknowledge your feelings, that is a data point for you. It tells you exactly how much weight they give to your emotional safety. You can't force someone to care, but you can choose how much access they have to your heart based on their response.
The Role of Non-Verbal Cues
Your body language speaks louder than your "I" statements. If you’re crossing your arms and rolling your eyes while saying "I feel hurt," you’re sending mixed signals. Sit down. Take a breath. Look them in the eye. It's hard. It's knd of the worst, actually. But it works.
When the Person Doesn't Care
Here is the hard truth: sometimes you will learn how to tell someone that they hurt you, you will execute it perfectly, and they still won't care. Or they'll apologize just to shut you up.
Psychologists often talk about "relational repair." A healthy relationship isn't one without conflict; it's one where the repair is quick and sincere. If you are the only one trying to repair the bridge, eventually, you're going to run out of wood.
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If you've expressed your hurt clearly and the behavior doesn't change, the conversation is no longer about their behavior. It’s about your boundaries. You have to decide what you will tolerate. Telling someone they hurt you is an invitation for them to do better. If they decline the invitation, you have your answer.
Practical Steps for the Conversation
Don't just wing it. If this person matters to you, give the conversation the respect it deserves.
- Write it down first. Not a script, just the core feeling. Are you sad? Embarrassed? Scared? Narrow it down to one or two core emotions.
- Pick a low-stakes time. Do not bring this up five minutes before they leave for work or right as you're getting into bed. Saturday morning coffee or a walk in the park is usually better.
- State your goal. "I’m telling you this because I value our friendship and I don't want this to turn into a bigger deal than it needs to be."
- Listen to their side—but don't let it erase yours. They might have had a valid reason for what they did. That doesn't mean you weren't hurt. Both things can be true at once.
- Focus on the future. "Moving forward, could you please [specific request]?" Giving them a clear path to succeed is much more effective than just listing their failures.
Moving Toward Resolution
Ultimately, telling someone they hurt you is an act of bravery. You're handing them the weapon they used and asking them to put it down. It requires a belief that the relationship is strong enough to handle the truth.
If you find yourself constantly hurt by the same person, it might be time to stop explaining and start distancing. But for the people who matter—the ones who genuinely want to be good to you—clear communication is the greatest gift you can give them. It takes the guesswork out of loving you.
When you finish the conversation, pay attention to how you feel. Do you feel lighter? Or do you feel like you're walking on eggshells? Your body usually knows the truth before your head does. If the air feels cleared, let it stay clear. Don't keep bringing up the old hurt once it's been addressed and repaired. That is how you build a relationship that actually lasts.
Next Steps for Your Relationship:
- Identify one specific instance from the last week where you felt a "pinch" of hurt but didn't say anything.
- Ask yourself: "What is the story I'm telling myself about why they did that?"
- Schedule a time within the next 48 hours to have a 10-minute check-in with that person, using the "story I'm telling myself" framework.
- Observe their reaction—not just their words, but their willingness to listen without interrupting.