You probably think you know what a narcissist looks like. Maybe it’s the guy at the gym constantly checking his reflection or the coworker who manages to make every single meeting about their weekend plans. But honestly, it’s rarely that simple. Genuine Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a clinical diagnosis found in the DSM-5, and it’s way more complicated than just being "full of yourself." Most people miss the quiet signs. They miss the subtle ways common traits of a narcissist bleed into everyday interactions until they’re already deep in a relationship—or a project—with someone who lacks empathy entirely.
It’s exhausting.
Real narcissism isn't just vanity; it's a rigid, deeply ingrained pattern of behavior that focuses on superiority and a total lack of concern for others' feelings. Experts like Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist who has spent years researching this, often point out that while we all have narcissistic tendencies sometimes, a true narcissist has a personality built around them. It’s their default setting. It never turns off.
The Grandiosity Gap: It’s Not Just Confidence
There is a massive difference between having high self-esteem and being a narcissist. People with healthy self-esteem feel good about themselves but still value others. Narcissists? They need to feel better than everyone else to feel okay. This is one of the most visible common traits of a narcissist. They don't just want to be good at their job; they want to be the only person who could possibly do the job.
They exaggerate.
They’ll tell you about the "huge" deal they closed that was actually just a routine email exchange. They might claim to know famous people they’ve never met. It's a constant performance. If you look at the research by W. Keith Campbell, a professor at the University of Georgia, this grandiosity serves a specific purpose: it's a shield. Underneath that "I'm the best" exterior is usually a very fragile sense of self that can't handle the slightest bit of criticism.
But then you have the "vulnerable" or "covert" narcissist. This is the one that trips people up. They don’t brag. Instead, they act like the world is constantly out to get them. They’re the "misunderstood genius" or the "victim" in every story. Their grandiosity is hidden behind a veil of suffering. They still think they’re special—special because their pain is deeper than yours, or because nobody is "smart enough" to appreciate them.
The Empathy Problem (And Why It’s Terrifying)
Empathy is the glue that holds human society together. For a narcissist, that glue is missing. They might be able to "act" empathetic because they’ve watched how other people do it, but they don't feel it. This is often called "cognitive empathy" versus "affective empathy." They understand the concept that you are sad, but they don’t care that you are sad unless your sadness affects them.
Imagine you’re having a terrible day. You lost your job. A normal friend says, "I'm so sorry, that sucks. How can I help?" A person displaying common traits of a narcissist might say, "Well, now you won't be able to come to my birthday dinner on Friday, and I already made the reservation."
📖 Related: Why PMS Food Cravings Are So Intense and What You Can Actually Do About Them
See the shift?
The focus immediately swings back to them. They use people like tools. In psychology, this is known as "narcissistic supply." You aren't a person with your own needs; you’re a battery that provides them with attention, validation, or status. When you stop providing that supply, they often discard you without a second thought. It's cold. It's jarring. And it's one of the most painful things for partners or children of narcissists to process.
The Need for Constant Validation
It’s never enough. You can tell a narcissist they’re brilliant, attractive, and successful every day for a year, and the one day you forget, they’ll act like you’ve betrayed them. They have a "bottomless pit" of need. This is why they often surround themselves with "yes-men" or people who are easily manipulated. They don't want friends; they want an audience.
Gaslighting and the Distortion of Reality
You’ve probably heard the term "gaslighting" a million times on social media. It’s become a buzzword, but in the context of common traits of a narcissist, it is a very real and dangerous tactic of psychological manipulation. The goal is simple: make the other person doubt their own reality.
- "I never said that." (They did.)
- "You're too sensitive." (You're reacting normally to their abuse.)
- "You're remembering it wrong." (They are lying.)
Over time, this wears you down. You start keeping notes of conversations. You start apologizing for things you didn't do just to keep the peace. This isn't just a "bad habit"; it's a way for the narcissist to maintain control. If they can control the narrative, they can never be the "bad guy."
Dr. George Simon, an expert on manipulative personalities, explains that narcissists are "character-disordered." They don't play by the same rules of fairness that you do. While you’re trying to resolve a conflict, they’re trying to win an argument. Those are two very different goals.
The Cycle of Love Bombing and Devaluation
This is how they get you.
In the beginning, a narcissist can be the most charming person you’ve ever met. They shower you with affection, gifts, and compliments. This is "love bombing." It feels amazing. You think you’ve finally found someone who truly "gets" you. But it’s a trap. It’s a way to build an intense bond quickly so that when they start the next phase—devaluation—you’re too hooked to leave.
👉 See also: 100 percent power of will: Why Most People Fail to Find It
Suddenly, the person who said you were "perfect" starts nitpicking your clothes, your friends, or your hobbies. The compliments turn into "jokes" that hurt your feelings. If you complain, they go back to the gaslighting: "Can't you take a joke?"
This cycle is incredibly addictive because of intermittent reinforcement. You keep waiting for that "perfect" person from the first month to come back. They occasionally do, for just a moment, to keep you on the hook. Then the cycle starts all over again.
Entitlement: The World Owes Them
Narcissists genuinely believe the rules don't apply to them. They should be able to skip the line. They should get the promotion even if they didn't do the work. They should be allowed to speak to service workers like garbage because they are "superior." This sense of entitlement is a major red flag. If you notice someone treats you well but treats the waiter like a servant, pay attention. That’s a glimpse into how they’ll treat you once the "honeymoon phase" is over.
Can Narcissists Change?
This is the question everyone asks. The short answer? Rarely.
Change requires two things a narcissist usually lacks: self-awareness and a genuine desire to be better for the sake of others. Since they believe they are already perfect (or at least better than everyone else), they see no reason to change. If they go to therapy, it’s often to "fix" the people around them or to manipulate the therapist into taking their side.
Some studies suggest that certain types of therapy, like Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) or specialized psychodynamic therapy, can help manage the behaviors, but the core personality remains. It’s a long, uphill battle that most narcissists aren't willing to fight.
Identifying the Patterns in Your Own Life
If you’re reading this and thinking, "Wait, this sounds like my boss" or "This sounds like my mom," you aren't alone. Dealing with these common traits of a narcissist is mentally taxing. It leaves you feeling drained, confused, and small.
The first step is realizing it isn't your fault. You cannot "love" someone out of a personality disorder. You cannot explain your feelings well enough to make them care if they lack the hardware for empathy.
✨ Don't miss: Children’s Hospital London Ontario: What Every Parent Actually Needs to Know
Actionable Steps for Protecting Your Peace
If you find yourself dealing with a narcissist, stop trying to win. You won't. Instead, focus on these strategies to protect your mental health:
1. Set Firm Boundaries (and Enforce Them)
Narcissists hate boundaries. They will push against them immediately. If you tell them, "I won't stay in this room if you yell at me," you have to actually leave when they start yelling. No warnings. No second chances. They need to see that your boundaries have teeth.
2. Use the "Grey Rock" Method
If you can't go "No Contact" (like with a coworker or a co-parent), become as boring as a grey rock. Don't share personal news. Don't react to their provocations. Give short, non-committal answers like "Okay" or "That's interesting." When you stop giving them emotional reactions, they lose interest in you as a source of "supply."
3. Document Everything
In professional or legal settings, paper trails are your best friend. Narcissists will lie about what was said and done. Having emails, texts, and dated notes can save your sanity when they try to gaslight you or the people around you.
4. Seek External Support
Talk to a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse. Talk to friends who see the situation clearly. Narcissists thrive on isolation; they want you to think you’re the crazy one. Breaking that isolation is the fastest way to reclaim your reality.
5. Prioritize Self-Preservation Over "Saving" Them
Accept that you cannot fix this person. Your energy is better spent rebuilding your own self-esteem, which has likely been chipped away. Focus on your hobbies, your health, and your genuine connections with people who actually care about your well-being.
Living or working with a narcissist is like walking on eggshells in a minefield. Once you recognize the patterns—the grandiosity, the lack of empathy, the entitlement—the "magic spell" they cast starts to break. You begin to see the behavior for what it is: a desperate, rigid attempt to feel important at the expense of everyone else. You deserve to be in relationships where your feelings matter and where empathy is a two-way street.