We've all heard the old proverb. It's usually tossed at us when we’re frustrated, maybe after a long day of dealing with incompetent customer service or a neighbor who won’t stop playing drums at 2 a.m. "You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar." It sounds like something your grandmother would say while patting your hand, but honestly, is it actually true? Or is it just a polite way of telling people to stop complaining and be a doormat?
The truth is actually kinda fascinating. It turns out that being "sweet" isn't just about being a "nice person"—it’s a tactical advantage.
Whether you're trying to get a refund on a non-refundable flight or hoping your boss will finally approve that remote work request, the "honey" approach works because of how the human brain is wired. We think we’re logical creatures. We aren't. We are emotional bundles of nerves that react to perceived threats. When you lead with vinegar—aggression, sarcasm, or demands—the other person’s amygdala kicks in. They go into fight-or-flight mode. Once that happens, you've basically lost.
The Science of Why You Catch More Flies with Honey
The phrase itself is ancient. Most people attribute it to Benjamin Franklin’s Poor Richard’s Almanack, but it actually dates back even further to a collection of proverbs by an Italian writer named Giovanni Torriano in 1666. It’s survived for centuries because it hits on a fundamental truth about social reciprocity.
When you are kind to someone, you trigger a "prosocial" response. This isn't just fluffy talk; it's chemistry. Studies in behavioral economics, like those conducted by researchers at the University of Chicago, show that humans have a natural inclination toward reciprocity. If you give someone "honey"—meaning respect, empathy, or a genuine smile—they feel a subconscious pressure to return the favor.
It’s called the Norm of Reciprocity.
Think about the last time someone was needlessly rude to you. Did you want to help them? Probably not. You likely did the bare minimum required to get them out of your face. Now, compare that to someone who treated you like a human being, acknowledged your hard work, and asked nicely for help. You’d probably go out of your way for them. That is the essence of why you catch more flies with honey.
Vinegar is a Shortcut to Nowhere
Anger feels powerful. It’s a rush. When we yell, we feel like we’re taking control of a situation that has spiraled.
But it’s a fake power.
In a 2012 study published in the journal Motivation and Emotion, researchers found that while anger might get immediate compliance in high-stakes, short-term situations, it destroys long-term cooperation. If you're a manager who leads with vinegar, your employees will do exactly what you say while you're looking, and then they'll stop the second you turn your back. Or worse, they'll actively sabotage the project.
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Kindness builds "idiosyncrasy credits." This is a term coined by social psychologist Edwin Hollander. Basically, every time you’re helpful, kind, or competent (the honey), you earn credits in the "bank" of that relationship. Later, when you mess up or need a huge favor, you can spend those credits. If you lead with vinegar, your account is permanently overdrawn.
Real-World Honey: Negotiating Without Being a Jerk
Let’s look at hostage negotiation. It sounds intense, right? You’d think it’s all about being tough. But Chris Voss, a former lead international kidnapping negotiator for the FBI and author of Never Split the Difference, argues the exact opposite. He uses something called "Tactical Empathy."
It’s honey, but with a purpose.
Voss doesn't go in screaming at kidnappers. He uses a "Late Night FM DJ Voice." He stays calm. He validates their feelings—even if he doesn't agree with their actions. By being the "honey" in a high-tension situation, he de-escalates the kidnapper's brain from "warrior" mode to "problem-solver" mode.
If this works for FBI negotiators dealing with criminals, it’ll definitely work for you when you’re trying to get a late fee waived at the bank.
The "Labeling" Technique
One way to apply the "catch more flies with honey" philosophy is through labeling emotions. If you're dealing with a frustrated clerk, instead of getting mad back, try saying: "It seems like you’ve had a really long day and people have been difficult."
Boom. Honey.
You’ve acknowledged their reality. You've stopped being another "fly" buzzing in their ear and started being a partner. Most of the time, their shoulders will drop, they'll sigh, and they'll start trying to actually help you.
When Honey Doesn't Work (The Nuance Nobody Talks About)
We have to be real here. Sometimes, honey doesn't work. Some people are just "vinegar" all the way down.
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There is a misconception that catching more flies with honey means you have to be a doormat. It doesn’t. You can be incredibly kind while being incredibly firm. This is the "Iron Fist in a Velvet Glove" approach.
If someone is violating your boundaries, you don't need to scream. You can say, "I appreciate your position, but I’m not able to accept those terms," with a calm, steady voice. The "honey" here is your composure. By not descending into a shouting match, you keep the moral high ground and the psychological advantage.
There’s also the literal side of this proverb. Biologists have noted that while honey does attract flies, certain types of flies—like the fruit fly—are actually much more attracted to the smell of fermentation (vinegar). So, context matters. In human terms, if you're dealing with a predatory personality who views kindness as weakness, you might need to swap the honey for a very clear, very cold boundary.
But for 95% of human interactions? Honey wins every single time.
The Workplace Honey Trap
In the corporate world, "honey" is often rebranded as "soft skills." For a long time, these were looked down upon as secondary to "hard skills" like coding or financial modeling.
That was a mistake.
Google’s Project Aristotle, a massive internal study to find out what makes the "perfect" team, found that the most successful groups weren't the ones with the highest IQs. They were the ones with "Psychological Safety." This is basically a workplace built on honey. It’s an environment where people feel safe to take risks, admit mistakes, and be vulnerable without being attacked.
When leaders use honey—praise, active listening, and support—they get more "flies" (results, loyalty, innovation). When they use vinegar—shaming, public call-outs, and fear—they get turnover and "quiet quitting."
Actionable Steps to Lead with Honey
If you want to start applying this, don't just start being "nice." Be intentional. Being nice is passive; being kind is active. Here is how you actually do it without looking like a pushover:
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1. The "Three-Second" Rule
When someone says something that makes your blood boil, wait three seconds before responding. This allows your prefrontal cortex (the logical part) to override your amygdala (the "vinegar" part). Use those three seconds to choose a "honey" response.
2. Use "I" Statements Instead of "You" Statements
"You didn't finish the report on time" is vinegar. It’s an attack.
"I’m worried that we’re going to miss our deadline if we don't get the report finished today" is honey. It’s a shared problem. It’s much easier for someone to help you solve a problem than it is for them to admit they’re a failure.
3. Specific Praise
Generic "Good job" is weak honey. It’s corn syrup.
"I really liked how you handled that difficult question in the meeting; you stayed calm and had the data ready" is Grade-A Manuka honey. People crave specific recognition. Give it freely.
4. Assume Positive Intent
This is a game-changer. Before you react to someone’s "vinegar," assume they aren't trying to be a jerk. Assume they’re having a bad day, or they’re scared, or they’re overwhelmed. When you change your internal narrative about why they are acting that way, it becomes much easier for you to respond with honey.
5. The Power of "Thank You"
It sounds basic, but it’s overlooked. A handwritten thank-you note or a sincere, eye-to-eye "I really appreciate what you did" goes further than a bonus check in many cases. It builds that reciprocity we talked about earlier.
The Long Game
Living by the "more flies with honey" rule isn't about getting what you want right this second. It’s about building a life and a career where people want to see you succeed. It’s about creating a network of people who remember how you made them feel, rather than how you made them fear you.
In a world that feels increasingly polarized and aggressive, being the person who brings the honey is actually a competitive advantage. It makes you memorable. It makes you effective. And honestly? It just makes life a lot less stressful.
Stop trying to force doors open with vinegar. Start looking for the honey. You might be surprised at how many doors start opening themselves.
To implement this today, start with your very next digital interaction. Before hitting "send" on an email that feels a bit sharp, add a genuine sentence of appreciation or soften the tone. Watch how the response time and the quality of the answer change. Practice this "honey-first" approach for one week in all your low-stakes interactions—grocery clerks, delivery drivers, or coworkers—and track how your own stress levels fluctuate. You'll likely find that the world mirrors the energy you put into it.