The barista at the corner shop messed up your oat milk latte for the third time this week. You’re annoyed. You’ve had a long morning, your inbox is a disaster, and now your coffee tastes like cardboard. It’s easy to snap. It’s easy to roll your eyes and mutter something under your breath about "basic competence." But then you find out later—or maybe you don’t—that her father passed away yesterday and she’s only at work because she can’t afford the funeral costs. Honestly, it’s a cliche for a reason. You never know what someone is going through, and that realization isn’t just a nice sentiment for a Pinterest board; it’s a necessary survival strategy for living in a high-friction world.
Human beings are masters of the "mask." We have to be. We live in a society that rewards "crushing it" and "hustling," leaving very little room for the messy reality of chronic pain, grieving, or even just the crushing weight of financial anxiety.
Take a look at the data. The National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) reports that tens of millions of people in the U.S. alone live with a mental illness, yet only about half receive treatment. That means every single day, you are interacting with people who are battling internal wars while trying to pick out a ripe avocado or navigate a four-way stop. They don't look "sick." They look like your grumpy neighbor or your over-caffeinated boss.
The Biological Reality of the Invisible Struggle
We tend to think empathy is just a feeling. It isn't. It's actually a cognitive process. When we see someone acting "badly"—being rude, slow, or distant—our brains default to something psychologists call the Fundamental Attribution Error. This is a cognitive bias where we attribute other people's actions to their character while attributing our own actions to our circumstances.
If I'm late to a meeting, it’s because traffic was a nightmare. If you are late to a meeting, it’s because you’re lazy and disrespectful.
When we remind ourselves that we never know what someone is going through, we are essentially hacking our own biology to override this bias. It’s about pausing the judgment loop.
Dr. Brené Brown, a research professor at the University of Houston who has spent decades studying vulnerability and empathy, often talks about the concept of "generous assumptions." What if we assumed that everyone is doing the absolute best they can with the tools they have at that exact moment? It sounds soft. It sounds like an excuse for bad behavior. But in reality, it’s a tool for your own peace of mind. Getting angry at a stranger’s "incompetence" only raises your cortisol levels. It does nothing to change their situation.
Hidden Hardships You Likely Encounter Daily
Life is heavy. Most people carry it quietly.
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Consider the "Invisible Disability." According to the CDC, up to 1 in 4 adults in the United States has some type of disability. Many of these aren't visible to the naked eye. It could be Crohn’s disease, fibromyalgia, or early-onset Parkinson's. You might see someone using a priority seat on the subway who looks "perfectly fine" and feel a surge of resentment. You don’t see the neurological fatigue that makes standing for five minutes feel like running a marathon.
Then there’s the grief.
We talk about grief like it’s a linear event. You lose someone, you cry, you go to a funeral, you "get over it." Real life doesn't work that way. Grief is a long, jagged tail. It pops up during a random song in the grocery store three years later. It makes people forgetful. It makes them sharp-tongued.
I remember a story about a man on a bus whose children were being incredibly loud and disruptive. The other passengers were fuming. Finally, someone snapped at him to control his kids. The man looked up, eyes glassy, and said, "You're right. We just came from the hospital where their mother died an hour ago. I guess I don't know how to handle it, and they don't either."
The energy in that bus shifted instantly. The annoyance didn't just vanish; it turned into a heavy, communal sorrow. But the man’s circumstances hadn't changed—only the passengers' knowledge of them had.
The Social Media Illusion
Instagram is a liar. We know this, yet we still use it as a yardstick for how everyone else is doing.
You see a friend’s vacation photos and feel a twinge of jealousy. They look happy. They look rich. They look like they have it all figured out. Behind the filter, they might be navigating a failing marriage or a terrifying medical diagnosis they aren't ready to share. Social media creates a "positivity bias" that makes the reality of the phrase you never know what someone is going through even more acute.
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When people only post their highlight reels, the gap between their public persona and their private pain widens. This creates a weird kind of isolation. It makes those who are struggling feel like they are the only ones, while those watching feel like they are failing at life.
Why Kindness Is a Better Default Than Judgment
Look, being "nice" all the time is exhausting. This isn't about being a doormat. It’s about recognizing that your perspective is incredibly limited. You are seeing a 10-second clip of someone’s 80-year life.
There's a specific kind of freedom in letting go of the need to "correct" or judge every person who inconveniences you.
- The slow driver? Maybe they have a literal cake in the backseat, or maybe they’re a nervous teenager who just got their license.
- The "rude" clerk? They might have just gotten a text saying their rent is being hiked 30%.
- The friend who hasn't texted back in two weeks? They might be in a depressive episode where the phone feels like it weighs 500 pounds.
Sometimes, people are just jerks. That’s true too. But if you gamble on the side of "they’re probably having a rough time," you’re right more often than you’re wrong. And even when you’re wrong, you’ve saved yourself the stress of an unnecessary conflict.
Actionable Ways to Practice This Perspective
It’s easy to read this and agree. It’s harder to remember it when someone cuts you off in traffic. Here is how you actually integrate this into your life without sounding like a self-help book.
1. Practice the Three-Second Pause
When someone triggers a negative reaction in you, wait three seconds before responding. Use those seconds to ask: "What could be happening in their life that I don't see?" You don't need the answer. You just need the question.
2. Stop Equating "Different" with "Wrong"
A lot of our frustration comes from people not doing things the way we would. If someone is being overly quiet in a meeting, don't assume they're disengaged. They might be dealing with sensory overload or social anxiety.
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3. Use Supportive Language Instead of Interrogative
Instead of "Why haven't you finished this?" try "I noticed this is still on your plate; is there anything making it tough to get through right now?" It opens a door rather than building a wall.
4. Acknowledge Your Own "Through"
Be honest about your own struggles. When we share our own "behind-the-scenes" mess, we give others permission to do the same. It breaks the cycle of the "perfect" mask.
The Ripple Effect of Empathy
When you choose to believe that you never know what someone is going through, it changes your baseline. You become less reactive. You become a "safe" person for others to be around.
In a world that feels increasingly polarized and aggressive, this kind of quiet empathy is actually a radical act. It’s a way of saying, "I see your humanity, even when it’s messy, and I’m going to give you some grace."
We’re all just walking each other home, as Ram Dass famously said. Some of us just have heavier bags to carry than others.
Practical Next Steps for Today:
- The One-Interaction Challenge: Pick one person today who usually annoys you. For every interaction you have with them, consciously assume they are dealing with a secret burden. Notice how your own stress level changes.
- Audit Your Reactions: At the end of the day, think back to a moment you felt "wronged" by a stranger. Come up with three plausible, tragic reasons for their behavior. It’s a mental exercise that builds the empathy muscle.
- Reach Out Without Expectation: Send a "thinking of you" text to one friend you haven't heard from in a while. Don't ask for anything. Just let them know you’re there. You might be the only person who checked on them today.
Living with the awareness that everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about doesn't make the world perfect. It just makes it a little more bearable. For them, and for you.