Ever looked at a beat-up hoodie or a dried-out flower and thought, "you can keep me"? It’s a weird sentiment. We say it to memories. We say it to things. Sometimes we even say it to versions of ourselves we aren't ready to let go of yet.
Clinging is human.
Whether it's a physical heirloom or a psychological safety net, the urge to hold on is hardwired into our biology. It’s not just about being sentimental. Honestly, it’s about survival, identity, and the way our brains process loss. Most people think hoarding or over-attachment is just a personality quirk, but researchers like Randy Frost, a professor of psychology at Smith College, have spent decades proving it’s way more complex than that. It's about how we project our very souls into the "stuff" around us.
The Psychology of Why You Can Keep Me
Why do we do it?
One big reason is the Endowment Effect. This is a psychological quirk where we value things more simply because we own them. If I give you a mug, you’ll likely value it higher than someone who doesn't own it. Once something is "ours," the thought of losing it triggers the same part of the brain associated with physical pain. The anterior insula lights up. It literally hurts to let go.
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But it’s deeper than just a mug.
We use objects as "transitional objects." Think of a kid with a security blanket. Psychologists call this an attachment to an inanimate object that provides comfort during times of stress. As adults, we don't really outgrow this; we just swap the blanket for a vintage car, a stack of old letters, or a specific digital playlist. We tell these items "you can keep me" because they anchor us to a specific time when we felt safe or loved.
Loss aversion is a monster.
Daniel Kahneman, a Nobel Prize winner, famously showed that the pain of losing something is twice as powerful as the joy of gaining something of equal value. This explains why you’ll keep a toxic friendship or a job you hate. The "cost" of leaving feels higher than the potential benefit of finding something better. You stay because the familiar, even if it’s painful, feels like a part of your identity.
Sensory Memory and the Grip of the Past
Have you ever smelled a specific perfume and felt like you were five years old again? That's the olfactory bulb working its magic. It’s located right next to the amygdala and hippocampus. This is why physical objects are so hard to discard. They aren't just things; they are sensory triggers.
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A tattered ticket stub isn't paper. It's the sound of the crowd. It's the cold air. It's the person who was sitting next to you.
When we say "you can keep me" to a memory, we are trying to preserve a version of ourselves that no longer exists. We’re terrified that if we throw away the physical evidence, the internal memory will evaporate. It’s a sort of existential insurance policy.
When Keeping Becomes a Problem
There’s a thin line between being a collector and being stuck.
Hoarding Disorder was only officially added to the DSM-5 in 2013. Before that, it was just seen as a subset of OCD. But it's different. People who struggle with this often feel a deep sense of responsibility for their objects. They feel like they are "rescuing" things. They see beauty where others see trash.
It's actually quite beautiful in a tragic way.
The struggle is often linked to executive function. If your brain has trouble categorizing information, every single item feels equally important. Deciding to throw away a junk mail flyer feels just as weighty as deciding to throw away a wedding invitation. The "decisional procrastination" becomes a wall.
If you find that your physical space is making it hard to breathe, or if your emotional attachments are preventing you from forming new ones, it might be time to look at the "you can keep me" mentality through a clinical lens. It’s not about being messy. It’s about how your brain handles the concept of "finished."
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The Digital Clutter Trap
We do this online too.
How many thousands of photos are sitting in your cloud storage? Most of them are blurry or duplicates. Yet, we pay monthly subscriptions to keep them. We are the first generation in history that doesn't have to choose what to remember. We keep everything. This creates a "digital weight" that we don't even realize we're carrying.
A study from Princeton University found that physical clutter competes for your attention. It wears down your mental or cognitive resources. It turns out, digital clutter does the same thing. Every unread email and every saved post is a tiny "to-do" item in the back of your mind.
How to Let Go Without Losing Yourself
Changing your relationship with your "stuff" doesn't mean you have to become a minimalist living in a white box. That’s boring. And for most of us, it’s impossible.
Instead, try these shifts in perspective:
The Container Concept
Popularized by organizing experts like Dana K. White, this idea is simple: the space you have is the container. If your shelf only holds ten books, you don't get to keep eleven. The shelf makes the decision, not your emotions. This removes the "guilt" of letting go because the physical reality of the room is the boss.
Photo Preservation
If you're keeping something purely for the memory, take a high-quality photo of it. Most of the time, the brain just needs the visual cue to access the memory. Once you have the photo, the physical object—the bulky, dusty thing—can go. You’re keeping the "data" without the "hardware."
The One-Year Rule (With a Twist)
Don't just ask if you've used it in a year. Ask if it represents the person you are now. We often keep things for "fantasy selves." The sourdough starter kits, the marathon shoes for a race we never ran, the craft supplies for a hobby we hate. Let go of the fantasy to make room for the reality.
Acknowledge the Grief
Discarding things is a form of grieving. Acknowledge it. Don’t just rush through it. If you’re getting rid of something meaningful, take a second to thank it. It sounds cheesy, but it helps the brain "close the loop" on that attachment.
Actionable Steps for Today
Start small.
Find one thing today that you've been holding onto out of guilt. Maybe it's a gift you never liked or a piece of clothing that doesn't fit. Give yourself permission to say, "you've served your purpose, and now you can go."
- Audit one drawer. Just one. Don't look at the whole house.
- Unsubscribe from five emails. Digital weight is real weight.
- Identify your "safety" objects. Understand why you're holding them. Knowledge is half the battle.
- Practice the "one in, one out" rule. If you buy something new, something old has to leave.
You don't have to keep everything to be whole. The best parts of your life aren't the things you’ve hoarded; they’re the experiences you have the space to enjoy right now. Letting go isn't about losing. It's about clearing the path for whatever is coming next.