Ever sat through a lecture where the speaker just droned on about abstract theories? It’s brutal. You’re sitting there, nodding, but your brain is basically a blank screensaver. Then, suddenly, they say, "Okay, let's look at a real case," and they pull up a photo or a story. That moment—that "aha!"—is the power of a concrete reference. When we say you are my examples, we aren't just being poetic. We’re acknowledging that humans don't actually learn through definitions. We learn through people, through mistakes, and through the specific "things" that stand in for the "ideas."
Think about it.
If I tell you to "be brave," you might have a vague idea of what that means. But if I point to a specific person standing up for a coworker in a heated meeting, or a kid jumping off the high dive for the first time despite shaking knees, the concept sticks. Those people become the example. They transform the invisible into something you can actually touch, see, and replicate.
Why the Human Brain Craves "The Example"
Our brains are essentially giant pattern-matching machines. Evolutionarily speaking, knowing the "definition" of a predator didn't save our ancestors; knowing what a specific tiger looked like in the tall grass did. We are hard-wired for the specific.
In cognitive psychology, there's this concept called the "Prototype Theory." Developed largely by Eleanor Rosch in the 1970s, it suggests that we don't categorize things based on a list of requirements. Instead, we have a "prototype"—a perfect example—in our heads. If I say "bird," you probably think of a robin or a sparrow, not a penguin or an ostrich. The robin is your example. It’s the gold standard against which everything else is measured.
This happens in our personal lives too.
You’ve probably had a mentor or a friend where you’ve thought, "That’s how I want to handle stress." In that moment, you are my examples becomes a mental shortcut. Instead of trying to remember a 500-page self-help book, you just ask, "What would Sarah do?" It’s faster. It’s more emotional. Honestly, it’s just more effective.
The Danger of Picking the Wrong Models
Here is where it gets tricky. If we rely on examples to build our worldview, what happens when the examples are skewed?
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Social media is a factory for "false examples." We see the highlight reels—the Maldives vacations, the perfectly plated sourdough, the "hustle culture" 4:00 AM gym sessions—and we mistakenly think these are the standard examples of a successful life. They aren't. They are outliers.
When your examples are curated by an algorithm designed to keep you scrolling, your internal "prototype" for reality gets warped. This leads to what psychologists call "social comparison theory." If the people I follow are my examples of "normal," and I don’t look like them, my brain signals that something is wrong with me.
But it’s not just about Instagram. It’s about history and education too. For decades, the examples used in medical textbooks were primarily based on male bodies. This meant that for a long time, the "example" of a heart attack was chest pain radiating down the left arm. But women often experience different symptoms, like nausea or back pain. Because the "example" was limited, lives were literally at risk. We need better, more diverse examples to actually understand the full scope of reality.
The Power of the Counter-Example
Sometimes, the most useful thing isn't a good example, but a "what-not-to-do" one.
I had a boss once—let's call him Dave. Dave was a micromanager's micromanager. He wanted to be CC’d on every single email, even the ones about what kind of milk to buy for the breakroom. He was stressed, his team was miserable, and nothing ever got done on time.
Dave was a fantastic example.
Not of leadership, obviously. He was my example of who I never wanted to become. Every time I feel the urge to double-check a team member's basic task today, I think of Dave. I use him as a mental guardrail. Negative examples provide the boundaries for our behavior just as much as positive ones provide the goals.
How to Curate Who "Your Examples" Are
If we accept that our behavior is shaped by the models we follow, then "example selection" is basically the most important skill you can learn. You can't just passively let the world choose your examples for you.
- Look for the "Quiet" Successes. The loudest person in the room is rarely the best example. Look for the person who is consistent, calm, and respected by their peers.
- Audit Your Feed. If you spend three hours a day looking at people who make you feel inadequate, stop. You are literally training your brain to use the wrong examples for "happiness."
- Find "Bridge" Examples. If you want to be a world-class chef, don't just look at Gordon Ramsay. Look at the person who is just two steps ahead of you. They are a more relatable example because their struggles are still fresh.
The Language of Specificity
When we talk about you are my examples, we're also talking about communication. If you are a manager, a parent, or a teacher, stop giving abstract advice.
Don't tell a kid to "be kind." That’s too big.
Tell them, "I liked how you shared your truck with Leo when he was crying."
That is a concrete example.
In the workplace, don't ask for "better quality work." That means nothing. Show a draft of a report that actually nailed the tone and say, "This is the example of what we're aiming for." Specificity kills ambiguity. When you provide the example, you remove the guesswork.
Real-World Impact: From Architecture to AI
This isn't just "self-help" talk. The concept of using specific examples to define complex systems is everywhere.
In architecture, Christopher Alexander wrote a famous book called A Pattern Language. He argued that good design isn't about following rigid rules, but about observing "patterns" (examples) of how people actually use space. Does a window seat make people feel cozy? Use that pattern. Do long, dark hallways make people feel isolated? Avoid that pattern.
In the world of Artificial Intelligence—the very tech often used to write "content"—the system learns through examples. Large Language Models don't "know" English grammar in the way a linguist does. They have just been fed billions of examples of how humans string words together. If you give an AI bad examples, it produces bad results. Garbage in, garbage out.
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The same applies to us. If your life is filled with examples of cynicism, laziness, or "shortcuts," that’s the "data" your brain will use to generate your actions.
Actionable Steps for Redefining Your Examples
You don't need a life overhaul. You just need to be more intentional about the "prototypes" you keep in your head.
- Identify three core values. Maybe they are "integrity," "curiosity," and "grit."
- Assign a person to each. Who do you know (personally or publicly) who embodies integrity? That person is now your example for that value.
- Study the "How," not just the "What." Don't just admire their success. Look at how they handle a bad day. Look at how they apologize when they're wrong.
- Be the example. This is the scary part. Realize that for someone else—a younger sibling, a junior employee, or even a stranger in traffic—you are my examples. Whether you like it or not, you are a data point in someone else's understanding of how the world works.
Why It Matters Now More Than Ever
We live in a world of "post-truth" and "deepfakes." It’s harder than ever to know what is real. In this environment, the "tangible example" is the only currency that still has value. We are moving away from trusting big, faceless institutions and moving toward trusting individuals who "walk the walk."
The phrase you are my examples is a heavy one. It carries a lot of responsibility. But it’s also an invitation. It’s an invitation to stop overcomplicating things with theory and start looking at the people and actions that actually yield the results we want.
Start by looking at your own life today. Who are you holding up as your "standard"? If they don't represent the person you want to be in five years, it's time to find some new examples.
Find the people who make the "hard things" look possible. Not easy—never easy—but possible. Look for the ones who have scars and stories, not just trophies. Those are the examples that actually help you grow. When you find them, hold onto them. They are the map you'll use to navigate the messy, confusing, and ultimately beautiful process of becoming whoever it is you're trying to be.