Sexuality isn't a neat little box. For many, it's a messy, evolving, and honestly quite fascinating spectrum that doesn't always play by the rules we were taught in high school health class. When we talk about women having sex with men and women, we are touching on a reality that is becoming increasingly visible but remains widely misunderstood by the general public.
It’s not just a "phase."
In fact, recent data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) suggests that more women than ever identify as something other than strictly heterosexual. But here's the kicker: identity and behavior don't always match up. You’ve got women who identify as straight but have female partners, and women who call themselves lesbians but occasionally find themselves attracted to men. It’s fluid. It’s human.
The Rise of Sexual Fluidity
Dr. Lisa Diamond, a professor at the University of Utah, has spent decades studying this exact phenomenon. Her landmark book, Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women's Love and Desire, basically blew the lid off the idea that women’s sexual orientation is fixed for life. She found that many women experience shifts in their attractions based on specific relationships, emotional connections, or just life stages.
It’s different for everyone.
Some women find that their physical attraction to one gender is strictly sexual, while their emotional or romantic "pull" is toward another. This is often referred to as a "split attraction model." For example, a woman might be romantically inclined toward men but find herself intensely sexually drawn to women. Or vice versa.
Society loves to slap a label on it—bisexual, pansexual, queer—but honestly, many women just find these labels too restrictive. They are simply living their lives, following their desires where they lead.
Why the "Bisexual" Label Doesn't Always Fit
There is this weird stigma that persists. People often assume that if you are women having sex with men and women, you’re just "confused" or looking for attention. That’s nonsense.
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The "B" in LGBTQ+ often carries a heavy burden of erasure. In straight spaces, bisexual women are often hyper-sexualized. In queer spaces, they are sometimes viewed with suspicion, as if they aren't "gay enough" because they also date men. This creates a unique kind of stress. It can feel like you’re constantly having to prove who you are to everyone you meet.
Specific research published in the Journal of Bisexuality highlights that bisexual and fluid women often face higher rates of anxiety and depression compared to their monosexual (strictly gay or straight) peers. Why? Because the lack of a "home base" can be isolating. You're too gay for the straights and too straight for the gays. It’s a lonely tightrope to walk.
Health Considerations You Actually Need to Know
Let’s get real for a second about health. When a woman is active with multiple genders, her healthcare needs change, but the medical system hasn't always kept up.
Most OB-GYNs are trained on a binary. They ask if you're using protection with "him." If you tell them you also have sex with women, they sometimes blink and don't know what to say. But the risks are different. While the risk of HIV might be lower in female-to-female encounters, other STIs like HPV, bacterial vaginosis (BV), and herpes are still very much on the table.
- Communication is key. You have to be your own advocate in the exam room.
- Testing matters. Don't assume that because you aren't worried about pregnancy with a female partner, you don't need regular screenings.
- Barrier methods exist for everyone. Dental dams are a thing, even if they aren't exactly "popular."
The Fenway Institute has done some great work on providing resources for queer women’s health, emphasizing that "woman-to-woman" sex is not "risk-free" sex. It’s just different.
Navigating Relationships and Jealousy
Managing a dating life that includes different genders can be... complicated. Honestly, it requires a lot of emotional intelligence.
If you're in a committed relationship with a man but also want to explore your attraction to women, that requires a level of honesty that many couples find terrifying. Some move toward ethical non-monogamy (ENM) or polyamory. Others decide to keep their desires as just that—desires—without acting on them.
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There's no one right way to do it.
The "unicorn hunter" trope is a real problem in the dating world. This is when a heterosexual couple seeks out a bi woman to join them for a threesome, often treating her more like a toy than a person. It’s a major point of contention in the community. If you are a woman navigating these waters, setting boundaries is your best friend. Know what you want before you jump into a bedroom with two other people.
The Cultural Shift: From Taboo to Discovery
We are seeing a massive shift in how media portrays women having sex with men and women. It’s no longer just a "very special episode" trope or a plot point designed to titillate male viewers. Shows like The L Word: Generation Q or even mainstream hits have started portraying fluidity with a lot more nuance.
But we aren't all the way there yet.
There is still a lot of "performative" bisexuality in pop culture—women kissing other women for the male gaze. This isn't the same as the lived reality of a woman navigating her actual life and feelings. Real life is less about the "male gaze" and more about the "internal maze." It’s about figuring out what makes your heart race and your body react, regardless of who is watching.
The Psychology of Attraction
It’s not just about the physical act. The psychology behind it is deep.
Some researchers suggest that women’s sexuality is inherently more "proceptive" and responsive to environmental cues than men’s. This doesn't mean women are "more" bisexual; it just means the path to arousal and connection might be more flexible.
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Think about the concept of "compulsory heterosexuality," a term coined by Adrienne Rich. It’s the idea that society pushes women toward men so hard that many don't even realize they have a choice until much later in life. When a woman starts having sex with both men and women, she is often deconstructing years of social conditioning. That’s a heavy lift. It’s brave.
Moving Forward: Actionable Insights for Your Life
If you’re navigating these feelings or this lifestyle, you don’t need to have all the answers today. Sexuality is a journey, not a destination.
First, stop worrying about the labels if they don't feel right. If "bisexual" feels like a cage, don't use it. If "mostly straight" feels more accurate, go with that. The words exist to serve you, not the other way around.
Second, find your community. Whether it's an online forum, a local meetup, or just a group of open-minded friends, having people who "get it" is life-changing. You need people you can talk to about the specific challenges of dating across the spectrum without being judged or told you’re "confused."
Third, prioritize your sexual health. Get tested regularly. Talk to your partners openly about their history and yours. Use protection. It’s not about fear; it’s about respect for yourself and the people you’re with.
Finally, be honest with yourself about what you want. Are you looking for a long-term partner? A casual fling? An open marriage? Once you know what your "North Star" is, navigating the world of women having sex with men and women becomes a lot less overwhelming and a lot more like the adventure it’s supposed to be.
Next Steps for Personal Growth:
- Audit your inner monologue. When you feel attraction to a different gender, do you immediately shut it down with shame? Start noticing those patterns.
- Read diverse perspectives. Pick up books by authors like Roxane Gay or Carmen Maria Machado who write beautifully about the complexities of queer and fluid identity.
- Schedule a specialized health check-up. Find a provider who is LGBTQ+ competent so you can have an honest conversation about your sexual health without the awkwardness.
- Practice radical honesty. If you’re dating, be upfront about your fluidity. It weeds out the people who aren't a good match for you anyway.