It’s the kind of phone call that literally stops time. One second you're thinking about groceries or a work deadline, and the next, your entire reality has splintered because you've just learned your mother hung herself. The "why" starts screaming in your head immediately. It’s loud. It’s relentless. You look for a note, you scan her last text messages for a hidden code, and you replay every conversation you had over the last month to see if you missed a "look" in her eyes.
The truth is heavy. Suicide by hanging is a particularly violent shock to the system for those left behind. It’s visceral. Unlike an accidental overdose which might leave room for "maybe it was a mistake," this feels incredibly intentional. That intentionality is what breaks people.
But here’s the thing: intentionality in a suicidal crisis isn't the same as intentionality when you're choosing a car or a career. When the brain reaches that level of despair, it isn't "choosing" death so much as it is escaping an unbearable psychological fire. Experts like Dr. Thomas Joiner, who wrote Why People Die by Suicide, point to a very specific trifecta of mental states that have to align for someone to take this final step. It’s rarely about one bad day. It’s a process.
The Invisible Psychology of the Final Act
When people try to understand why your mother hung herself, they usually look for external triggers. A divorce. Debt. A health diagnosis. While those are "precipitating events," they aren't the root cause.
Dr. Joiner’s Interpersonal Theory of Suicide suggests that for someone to actually die by suicide, they need three things: a sense of "thwarted belongingness," a feeling of "perceived burdensomeness," and the "acquired capability" to enact lethal self-harm.
Think about that middle one—perceived burdensomeness. It’s a glitch in the brain. Your mother might have genuinely believed, with every fiber of her being, that your life would be easier, lighter, and better if she wasn't in it. It’s a total lie. It’s a hallucination of the ego. But to her, in that moment, it felt like an act of sacrificial love.
The "acquired capability" part is why hanging is often the chosen method. It doesn't require a firearm or a prescription. It requires materials found in any home. To get to that point, a person usually has to habituate themselves to pain or the idea of death over a long period. This is why history matters. Did she struggle with chronic pain? Had she been depressed for decades? The brain slowly loses its natural, hard-wired "fear of death" through repeated exposure to psychological or physical suffering.
The Biological Reality of the Suicidal Brain
We often treat suicide as a moral failing or a character flaw. It's not. It's a physiological collapse.
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Research into the "suicidal brain" shows real, measurable differences in the prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for executive function and decision-making. When someone is in a suicidal crisis, their "braking system" basically fails. They experience what psychologists call "cognitive constriction."
Imagine a funnel. Normally, you see a wide range of solutions to a problem. But as the crisis deepens, the funnel narrows. Eventually, you're at the very bottom of the neck. You can only see one exit.
Serotonin and the Impulse
Low levels of serotonin metabolites in cerebral spinal fluid have been linked specifically to violent suicide methods. It’s not just "feeling sad." It’s a neurochemical environment that fosters extreme impulsivity and aggression directed inward. If your mother was dealing with a long-term depletion of these chemicals, her brain's ability to say "Wait, let's think about tomorrow" was physically compromised.
She wasn't thinking about tomorrow. She was thinking about the next thirty seconds of pain.
Why Hanging specifically?
It’s a question that haunts families. Why that way?
Statistically, hanging is one of the most common methods globally, partly because of availability. But there’s also a psychological element. There is no "turning back" once the physical process begins, unlike an overdose where someone might call 911 halfway through. This suggests a level of "lethal intent" that is incredibly hard for survivors to swallow.
In many cases, there is a history of "rehearsal." People often don't realize that suicide attempts are frequently preceded by "practice runs" or intense research. This isn't meant to be macabre; it’s meant to explain that the brain had to overcome a massive biological hurdle to allow the body to do this.
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What You’re Feeling Right Now (And Why It’s Normal)
You’re probably oscillating between absolute rage and soul-crushing guilt.
- "How could she do this to me?"
- "Why didn't I answer that call on Tuesday?"
- "Did she suffer?"
The rage is a defense mechanism. It’s easier to be mad at her than it is to sit with the bottomless grief of losing her. And the guilt? Everyone feels it. Literally everyone. Even people who were in the next room feel they should have "known."
But suicide is a solo journey. It happens in the dark, quiet corners of the mind where no one else is invited. You cannot "love" someone out of a clinical, suicidal depression any more than you can "love" them out of a cardiac arrest. You aren't that powerful. No one is.
Navigating the Aftermath: Practical Steps
The world doesn't stop because your world ended. There are things you have to do, and most of them suck.
First, the house. If your mother hung herself in the family home, the physical space now carries a trauma. You don't have to clean it yourself. There are professional biohazard remediation services (often covered by homeowners' insurance) that handle these situations with extreme discretion. Use them. Do not traumatize yourself further by trying to be the "strong one" who cleans up.
Second, the "story." People are going to ask what happened. You owe them exactly as much information as you want to give. "She died by suicide" is a complete sentence. You don't have to explain the method. You don't have to explain the note.
Third, the police investigation. This is standard. In the case of a hanging, the coroner or medical examiner has to rule out foul play. It feels cold and clinical. They might take her phone or her laptop. It’s not an indictment of her; it’s just the bureaucracy of death.
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Dealing with the Trauma of Discovery
If you were the one who found her, you are dealing with more than just grief. You are dealing with PTSD.
The image of her is likely burned into your retinas. This is called an intrusive memory. One of the most effective treatments for this specific type of trauma is EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). It helps the brain move the "stuck" image from the active, panicked part of the brain into the long-term memory where it doesn't trigger a fight-or-flight response every time you close your eyes.
Don't wait to seek help for this. The longer that image sits in your "active" brain, the more it patterns your nervous system toward chronic anxiety.
Moving Toward "Something Else"
The idea of "closure" is a myth. You don't close the door on your mother's death. You just eventually build a life around the hole she left.
You’ll find yourself looking at other mothers and daughters in the grocery store and feeling a flash of pure envy. That’s okay. You’ll find yourself laughing at a joke and then feeling a wave of shame for being happy. That’s also okay.
The goal isn't to get "over it." The goal is to integrate it. To eventually be able to remember her for the 20, 40, or 60 years she lived, rather than the ten minutes it took for her to die.
Immediate Actionable Steps for Survivors
- Secure the Environment: If you are at the scene, call 911 and then call a trusted friend to come stay with you. Do not be alone.
- Contact a Specialized Therapist: Look for someone who specifically mentions "complicated grief" or "suicide loss" in their bio. Regular talk therapy isn't always enough for this.
- Join a SOS Group: Survivors of Suicide (SOS) groups are everywhere. Being in a room with people who won't flinch when you say your mother hung herself is incredibly healing. You don't have to explain the "vibe" to them; they already live it.
- Manage the Digital Footprint: If she had social media, you can eventually have the accounts memorialized or removed. But there’s no rush. Let it sit until you have the mental bandwidth.
- Physical Health: Your cortisol levels are currently through the roof. You need to drink water and eat protein, even if you have zero appetite. Your brain needs fuel to process this level of trauma.
The "why" may never be fully answered. Even a ten-page note usually fails to capture the complexity of a fractured mind. But understanding that her death was the result of a terminal psychological illness—rather than a lack of love for you—is the first step toward breathing again.