Ever walked past a store window, saw something gorgeous, and felt that weird, sharp tug in your chest? Then you saw the "Sold Out" sign or the price tag that costs more than your car. Suddenly, you don't just want it. You need it. Honestly, it’s a bit of a mind game. We’ve all been there. This specific brand of longing—you want it but you can't have it—isn't just a personal quirk or a sign that you’re greedy. It is actually a deeply hardwired psychological mechanism that governs everything from who we date to why we stand in line for three hours for a specific pair of sneakers.
Psychologists have a name for this. They call it "Reactance Theory." It was first proposed by Jack Brehm in 1966. Basically, when you feel your freedom to choose something is being threatened—like when an item is scarce or a person is "out of your league"—you value that thing even more to reassert your autonomy. It’s annoying. It’s irrational. Yet, it's why the "forbidden fruit" trope has lasted for thousands of years in human storytelling.
The Scarcity Loop and Your Brain
Why does the brain flip out when things are out of reach? Robert Cialdini, a big name in the world of influence and persuasion, talks about scarcity as one of the primary "weapons of influence." When something is scarce, we perceive it as more valuable. This is why "limited edition" drops work so well.
Think about the Hermes Birkin bag. You can't just walk into a store and buy one. You have to be "offered" the chance to buy one. Because you want it but you can't have it immediately, the bag becomes a status symbol that transcends the actual leather and stitching. The value isn't in the utility of the bag; it's in the difficulty of the acquisition.
This isn't just about shopping, though. It’s also about dopamine. Dr. Robert Sapolsky, a neurobiologist at Stanford, has done incredible work on how dopamine functions in the brain. Most people think dopamine is about pleasure. It’s not. It’s about the anticipation of pleasure. It is about the pursuit. When the reward is uncertain—or when there’s a barrier in the way—dopamine levels actually spike higher than when the reward is guaranteed. We are literally addicted to the chase of the unattainable.
The "Grass is Greener" Fallacy in Relationships
We see this most painfully in our romantic lives. You might meet someone who is perfectly nice, available, and interested. Boring, right? But then there’s that other person. The one who is emotionally unavailable, lives in another country, or just isn't that into you.
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Suddenly, they are the only person you can think about.
This is often linked to attachment theory. Those with an "anxious" attachment style are frequently drawn to "avoidant" partners. The distance creates a vacuum that the anxious person tries to fill with longing. You’re not actually in love with the person; you’re in love with the idea of them that you’ve constructed in the space where they aren’t. It’s a phantom limb of the heart.
Why Social Media Makes It Worse
Instagram and TikTok have turned the "wanting what you can't have" dial up to eleven. Before the internet, you only compared yourself to your neighbors or your coworkers. Now, you’re comparing your Tuesday morning oatmeal to a billionaire’s breakfast in the Maldives.
The "Luxe" lifestyle is curated to be a "you want it but you can't have it" experience.
It creates a constant state of "relative deprivation." This is a sociological term where you don't judge your success by what you actually have, but by what you perceive others to have that you lack. It’s a recipe for burnout. You’re chasing a moving target. The moment you get the thing you wanted, the goalposts move, and there’s a new "unobtainable" thing to obsess over.
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The Mimetic Desire Problem
René Girard, a French philosopher, had this theory called "Mimetic Desire." He argued that we don't actually know what we want. Instead, we look at what other people want and then we want that too.
If you see everyone on your feed clamoring for a specific vintage watch or a certain skincare brand, you start to feel a lack. You didn't want it five minutes ago. But because it seems exclusive or hard to get, it becomes a marker of belonging. To have the thing everyone wants but can't get is to be "elite."
Can You Turn This Off?
Honestly, probably not entirely. It’s biological. But you can manage it.
One way to break the cycle is to practice "Hedonic Adaptation" awareness. This is the scientific observation that humans quickly return to a stable level of happiness regardless of positive or negative life changes. You think the new house or the new relationship will change your baseline forever. It won't. Usually, within six months to a year, you’re back to your old self—just with a bigger mortgage or a different person in the bed.
Realizing that the "get" won't actually satisfy the "want" is a powerful realization.
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Actionable Steps to Stop the Longing
If you're currently obsessed with something because you want it but you can't have it, try these specific tactics to ground yourself.
- The 72-Hour Rule: If it’s a physical object, wait three full days before buying or even looking at it again. Often, the "reactance" fades once the initial spike of dopamine settles down.
- Audit Your Influences: Look at who you follow. Are they showing you a life that is attainable, or are they selling you a feeling of inadequacy? Mute the accounts that make you feel like your current life isn't "enough."
- The "Flaw Finder" Exercise: When we want someone we can't have, we idealize them. Force yourself to list five things about them that would actually be annoying in a long-term relationship. They probably chew loudly. They're likely bad at responding to texts. De-mystify the person.
- Practice Gratitude (The Non-Cringe Way): This isn't about writing in a glittery journal. It’s about "Negative Visualization." This is an old Stoic trick. Imagine losing something you already have—your health, your car, your best friend. Suddenly, what you have feels as valuable as the thing you were chasing.
Understanding the mechanics of desire doesn't make the feeling go away, but it does give you a steering wheel. You can acknowledge the tug in your chest and say, "Oh, that’s just my dopamine system acting up because that thing is scarce." It takes the power away from the object and puts it back in your hands.
The truth is, most of the things we desperately want because we can't have them would lose their luster the second they became "ours." The magic is in the distance. Once the distance is gone, it's just stuff. Or just a person. And you’re still just you.
Move Toward Substantial Goals
Instead of chasing the "exclusive" or the "unavailable," shift your focus toward "intrinsic" goals. These are things like mastering a skill, deepening a friendship, or improving your physical strength. These aren't based on scarcity or what others have. They are based on your own growth.
When you focus on intrinsic goals, the "you want it but you can't have it" noise starts to quiet down. You aren't looking for validation through the acquisition of the unattainable. You’re finding it in the work you do every day. It's a much more sustainable way to live.
To start, pick one thing you’ve been "chasing" lately—whether it's a person, a job, or a status symbol—and ask yourself: "Do I actually want the thing, or do I just want the feeling of finally being able to have it?" The answer is usually the latter. Recognizing that distinction is the first step to freedom.
Evaluate your current desires by categorizing them into "Mimetic" (I want it because they have it) or "Essential" (I want it because it genuinely improves my life). Focus your energy exclusively on the Essential. Everything else is just a ghost you'll never catch.