It starts small. You stop saying thank you when they brew the morning coffee. You assume they’ll always be the one to pick up the dry cleaning or listen to your work rants. Then, one day, the air in the room feels heavy. Or worse—it feels empty. When you take someone for granted, you aren't usually being a villain. You’re just being human. Our brains are literally wired to habituate to things that are consistent. It’s called "hedonic adaptation," a term coined by psychologists Brickman and Campbell back in the 70s. Basically, we get used to the good stuff until we don’t even see it anymore.
It's a trap.
Think about the first time you stayed over at a partner's place or the first month of a "dream job." Everything was electric. Now? It’s just Tuesday. This psychological fading is why we end up ignoring the very people who keep our lives from falling apart. We mistake presence for permanence.
The Quiet Erosion: Why We Take Someone for Granted
Most people think "taking someone for granted" means being mean. It doesn't. It’s actually the absence of action. It is a slow-motion car crash of neglect. You’re not screaming; you’re just not looking. Dr. John Gottman, a famous relationship researcher who can predict divorce with scary accuracy, calls this the "Emotional Bank Account." Every time you acknowledge someone, you make a deposit. When you ignore them, or assume they’ll just "be there," you’re making a withdrawal. Eventually, the account hits zero.
Why do we do it?
Familiarity breeds a weird kind of blindness. In a study published in Psychological Science, researchers found that people consistently underestimate how much their friends and partners appreciate being reached out to. We think, "Oh, they know I love them." But "knowing" isn't the same as "feeling."
Humans love efficiency. Our brains try to automate everything to save energy. If your spouse always handles the taxes, your brain marks that task as "solved" and stops sending you signals to appreciate it. You’ve automated their labor. You’ve turned a person into a utility.
The High Cost of the "Invisible" Partner
When you take someone for granted, you are essentially telling them they are part of the furniture. Hard truth: furniture doesn't have feelings, but people do. In the workplace, this looks like the "quiet achiever" who never complains and gets 20% more work piled on them because the boss knows they’ll handle it. In relationships, it’s the person who does the "emotional labor"—the scheduling, the checking in, the remembering of birthdays—without a single "I see you."
What happens next? Resentment.
Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. It builds up in the background like a computer virus. By the time you notice the system is lagging, the damage is deep. The person being overlooked starts to withdraw. They stop sharing their day. They stop trying to please you. Why would they? There’s no reward for their effort. This is where "Quiet Quitting" comes from, whether in an office or a marriage.
Realities of the Brain: Selective Attention
We have this thing called the Reticular Activating System (RAS). It’s a bundle of nerves in our brainstem that filters out "unimportant" information so we don't go crazy from sensory overload. If you live near train tracks, eventually you stop hearing the train. If you live with a saint, eventually you stop seeing the "saintly" things they do.
It’s a survival mechanism that backfires in modern relationships.
To combat this, you have to manually override your hardware. You have to force your eyes to see the "train." Psychologists often suggest a "Grateful Eye" exercise. It sounds cheesy, I know. But it’s based on the idea of neuroplasticity. By looking for one thing your partner or friend did today that made your life 1% easier, you’re retraining your RAS to recognize them as a person again, not just a background character in your life story.
Cultural Factors: The "Next Best Thing" Mentality
Honestly, the world we live in makes it harder than ever to stay appreciative. We are constantly told that something better is just a swipe or a click away. This creates a "disposable" culture. If a friend is a bit boring one night, or a partner is going through a rough patch, the modern instinct is to look for an upgrade.
We treat people like software updates.
When you take someone for granted because you think they are replaceable, you lose the depth that only comes with time and shared struggle. Real intimacy isn't found in the "new." It's found in the "known."
How to Tell if You’re the One Doing It
Check your patterns. Seriously.
- Do you only call your "reliable" friend when you need to vent?
- When was the last time you asked your partner a question about their inner life that didn't involve chores or kids?
- Do you feel "annoyed" when someone who usually helps you is suddenly unavailable?
That last one is a massive red flag. If their absence feels like an inconvenience rather than a loss, you’ve stopped seeing them as a human. You’re treating them like a broken toaster.
Breaking the Cycle: Practical Moves
You don't need a grand gesture. You don't need to buy a diamond ring or a trip to Hawaii (though those are nice). You need "micro-appreciations."
The Three-Second Rule
When someone does something for you—even if it’s their "job" or something they "always do"—stop for three seconds. Look them in the eye. Say, "I really appreciate you doing that." The eye contact is the key. It forces the brain to register the person.
The "What If" Mental Experiment
This is a bit dark, but effective. Stoic philosophers like Marcus Aurelius practiced premeditatio malorum—the premeditation of evils. Imagine your life if that person vanished tomorrow. No more morning coffee. No more person to text your dumb jokes to. No more safety net. That sudden cold chill you feel? That’s the feeling of taking someone for granted leaving your body. Use it.
Shift the Ratio
Aim for the "Magic Ratio." Research by Dr. Gottman suggests that stable, happy relationships have a ratio of 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative one. If you’re taking someone for granted, your ratio is likely 1:1 or worse, because you’re ignoring the positives. Start over-indexing on the "thanks."
The Danger of "Someday"
We all think we have more time. We think we’ll be more attentive "when work slows down" or "when the kids are older."
Work never slows down. The kids just get different problems.
The person you are overlooking is changing every day. If you don't pay attention, you'll wake up one day and realize you're living with a stranger. Or you'll realize they've moved on to someone who actually sees them. People don't leave because they stop loving you; they leave because they get tired of being invisible.
Actionable Steps to Reset Today
- Audit your "Thank You" count: For the next 24 hours, count how many times you genuinely thank the people closest to you. If it's under five, you're likely in the "granted" zone.
- The "Unprompted" Text: Send one person in your life a text right now that says: "Hey, I was just thinking about how much you handle for us/me, and I wanted to say I see it and I'm grateful." No ulterior motive. No follow-up request for a favor.
- Ask a "Level 2" Question: Instead of "How was your day?" ask "What was the most interesting thing you thought about today?" It forces a deeper connection.
- Acknowledge the Invisible: Look for the chores that "just happen." The trash that disappears, the fridge that stays full, the bills that get paid. Verbally acknowledge the person who made that happen.
If you've been the one ignored, the path is different. You have to set boundaries. Stop doing the "invisible" things for a week and see if they notice. It's not about being petty; it's about making your contribution visible again. Communication is the only way out, but it has to be clear: "I feel like a part of the background, and I need to feel like a partner again."
👉 See also: Blonde Hair with Maroon Highlights: How to Mix Warmth Without Looking Dated
Stop waiting for a "special occasion" to be appreciative. A "special occasion" is just a day where you're forced to do what you should have been doing all year. Real love and real friendship live in the boring, mundane, everyday moments. Don't let those moments go grey.
Wake up and see the people standing right in front of you.