It happens quietly. You stop answering the texts immediately because you know they’ll always be there. You stop saying "thank you" for the coffee because, well, they always make the coffee. Then one day, the seat is empty. Or the phone doesn't ring. It’s a cliché because it’s a universal human failure: we are biologically wired to habituate to the things that make us feel safe.
When we talk about why you don't take people for granted, we aren't just talking about being "nice." We are talking about a psychological phenomenon called hedonic adaptation. Basically, your brain is a master at turning a miracle into a background noise. That person who changed your life five years ago? Today, they’re just the person who forgot to take out the trash. It’s a dangerous slide.
The Science of Why We Forget to Care
Psychologists often point to the "arrival fallacy"—the idea that once we reach a certain level of stability or relationship status, we’ve "made it" and can stop trying. Dr. John Gottman, a leading expert on marital stability, spent decades watching couples in his "Love Lab" at the University of Washington. He found that the single biggest predictor of relationship collapse isn't a massive fight. It’s the slow accumulation of "missed bids" for connection.
A bid is just a tiny gesture. A look, a question, a sigh. When you ignore those bids because you’re scrolling on your phone, you’re taking that person’s presence for granted. You’re betting on their infinite patience.
It’s a bad bet.
Human beings have a "loss aversion" bias. We feel the pain of losing $100 much more intensely than the joy of gaining $100. The same applies to people. We don't feel the "gain" of our mother's daily check-in call until the day the phone stays silent. By then, the debt of gratitude is past due.
Is it Comfort or Neglect?
There is a fine line here. Comfort is good. You want to feel secure enough in a relationship that you don't have to perform 24/7. But comfort shouldn't mean invisibility.
Think about your best friend. You probably haven't told them they’re a "good friend" in three years. Why? Because it’s understood. But "understood" is where appreciation goes to die. Research published in the journal Personal Relationships suggests that "expressed gratitude" is a literal glue for social bonds. It’s not enough to feel it; you have to say it. If you don't, the other person starts to feel like a utility rather than a human. A dishwasher. A paycheck. A ride to the airport.
The High Cost of the "Availability Heuristic"
In behavioral economics, the availability heuristic is a mental shortcut that relies on immediate examples that come to a given person's mind. Because your partner, your sibling, or your loyal employee is always "available," your brain devalues them. You think they are a permanent fixture of your environment, like a mountain or a building.
They aren't.
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People leave. They die, they quit, they get tired, they find someone else who actually looks them in the eye.
I remember a story about a high-level executive at a tech firm—let’s call him Marcus for this illustrative example. Marcus had an assistant who had been with him for twelve years. She knew his kids' birthdays, his allergy to shellfish, and exactly how he liked his reports formatted. He never thanked her. He figured the high salary was the thanks. One Tuesday, she walked in and quit. No notice. She took a job for less money at a non-profit. Why? Because the non-profit director told her, "We really need your specific brain here."
Marcus didn't just lose an employee; he lost his external hard drive. He had taken her competence for granted until his world fell apart.
The Regret Loop
Regret is a brutal teacher. When you don't take people for granted, you are essentially performing "pre-emptive grief work." You are acknowledging the fragility of life before the fragility forces your hand.
Bronnie Ware, an Australian nurse who spent years working in palliative care, wrote a famous book called The Top Five Regrets of the Dying. You know what wasn't on the list? "I wish I’d spent more time on my phone while my wife was talking to me." Instead, the list was full of "I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends" and "I wish I had let myself be happier."
How to Stop the Slide (Practical Steps)
You can't just decide to "be more grateful" and have it stick. Your brain is too lazy for that. You need systems. You need to shock your own system out of its lethargy.
- The "Last Time" Meditation. This is a Stoic practice. Imagine that this is the last time you will see this person. Not in a morbid way, but in a realistic way. If you knew your friend was moving to Mars tomorrow, would you check your email while they were talking? Probably not.
- Specific Gratitude. "Thanks for everything" is lazy. It’s a blanket. It covers nothing. Try: "I really appreciate how you handled that difficult call for me" or "Thanks for making the bed this morning, it made me feel less stressed." Specificity proves you are paying attention.
- The 5-Second Rule for Bids. When someone asks you a question or points something out, give them five seconds of undivided attention. Put the phone face down. Look up. It costs nothing and changes everything.
- Audit Your Inner Circle. Who are the three people who would show up at 3:00 AM if your car broke down? When was the last time you did something for them that wasn't a response to something they did for you? Proactive kindness is the antidote to taking people for granted.
The Reality of Finite Time
We act like we have forever. We don't.
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Every relationship has an expiration date. Sometimes it’s a breakup, sometimes it’s a career change, and eventually, it’s death. That sounds dark, but it’s the most honest thing you’ll read today. Acknowledging the finish line makes the race more meaningful.
When you truly understand that you don't take people for granted, your life gets heavier in a good way. It gains gravity. You stop drifting through conversations and start inhabiting them. You notice the way your father's hands shake when he pours tea. You notice the specific way your partner laughs at a bad joke.
These aren't just details. They are the entire point of being alive.
Why Silence Isn't Always Golden
We often think that if there’s no conflict, everything is fine. That’s a mistake. The opposite of love isn't hate; it’s indifference. Indifference is the ultimate form of taking someone for granted. It’s when you stop caring enough to even argue.
If you find yourself in a state of "quiet" in your relationships, check the temperature. Is it the quiet of peace, or the quiet of a graveyard? If it’s the latter, it’s time to start making some noise. Call the friend you haven't spoken to in six months. Tell your coworker they did a great job on that boring spreadsheet. Tell your parents you love them, even if it feels awkward and "not like you."
Actionable Insights for Today:
- Identify the "Invisible" People: Make a list of three people who make your life easier but who you rarely thank. Your mail carrier, the quiet IT guy, your spouse.
- Send one "no-ask" text: Text someone right now just to say you were thinking of them and you appreciate them. Do not ask for anything. Do not even require a response.
- Practice Active Observation: Next time you are with a loved one, try to notice one new thing about them. A new wrinkle, a different tone of voice, a preference you never caught before.
- The "One Thing" Rule: Every day, do one small thing for someone else that serves no purpose other than to make their day 1% better.
The goal isn't to be a saint. The goal is to be awake. Don't wait for a funeral to realize how much someone mattered. The time to notice is while they are still standing right in front of you, waiting to be seen.