You've seen the memes. They usually start with something absurd, like "Would you still love me if I was a worm?" It’s a joke, sure, but it’s also a weirdly deep cultural touchstone. These would you still love me if questions aren't just TikTok fodder or late-night silliness between couples who've had too much coffee. They're actually tiny, sometimes annoying, litmus tests for emotional security.
People ask them because they want to know where the boundary of your affection lies. Honestly, we all have a little bit of that "unconditional love" anxiety tucked away in our brains.
The psychology behind the worm question
Dr. Stan Tatkin, a well-known researcher and the developer of A PACT (A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy), often talks about the "secure base." In a relationship, you want to feel like your partner is your go-to person, your anchor. When someone asks a hypothetical—even a ridiculous one—they’re often subconsciously checking the strength of that anchor. It’s a low-stakes way to ask, "Are you going to leave when things get weird or difficult?"
It’s about attachment.
If you grew up with "anxious attachment," you might find yourself leaning into these questions more often than someone with a "secure attachment" style. You’re looking for constant reassurance. You need to hear that the love isn't based on your looks, your job, or your ability to remain a human being and not a garden invertebrate.
Why we get so obsessed with hypotheticals
Why do we do this? It's kind of a defense mechanism. By posing a fake scenario, we’re testing the waters for real-life catastrophes. We’re basically simulating emotional stress to see how the other person reacts.
If they laugh and say "of course," we feel a temporary hit of dopamine. If they hesitate or try to be "logical" (which is a common mistake), it can actually spark a real argument. Logic has no place in a worm conversation. Seriously. If your partner asks if you'd love them as a crustacean, they aren't looking for a lecture on biology or the logistics of keeping a crab in a bathtub. They want to hear that their essence—the "them-ness" of them—is what you’re attached to.
The trap of the "logical" partner
I’ve seen this happen a thousand times. One person asks a would you still love me if question, and the other person tries to be "honest."
"Well, honestly, I don't think I could legally marry a worm, so it would be complicated."
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Big mistake. Huge.
This response ignores the emotional subtext. The questioner isn't asking about the legalities of inter-species marriage; they’re asking for a "protest behavior" check. They want to know that you are "pro-them" regardless of the circumstances. When you answer logically, you're inadvertently saying that your love has conditions. Even if those conditions are "remaining a human," it can feel like a rejection of the soul.
Real-world scenarios that actually matter
While the worm stuff is funny, would you still love me if questions often morph into much heavier topics as a relationship matures. These are the ones that actually define the trajectory of a long-term partnership.
Think about these:
- "Would you still love me if I lost my job and couldn't find another one for a year?"
- "Would you still love me if I wanted to move across the country to be near my parents?"
- "Would you still love me if we couldn't have kids?"
- "Would you still love me if my body changed significantly after an illness?"
These aren't jokes. They’re "vulnerability probes."
According to the Gottman Institute, which has spent decades studying thousands of couples in their "Love Lab," the ability to navigate these moments of vulnerability is a key predictor of relationship success. They call it "turning toward" your partner. When your partner asks one of these questions, they are making a "bid" for connection. How you respond to that bid determines the health of your emotional bank account.
The dark side of the reassurance loop
Is there a point where it becomes too much? Absolutely.
If someone is asking these questions every single day, it might not be about the relationship at all. It might be about their own internal struggles with self-worth or generalized anxiety. Psychologists often point out that "reassurance seeking" can become a compulsion. If the person asking never feels satisfied with the answer, or if they need the answer repeated every hour, the "worm question" has shifted from a cute bonding moment to a symptom of something deeper that might need professional attention.
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In these cases, the "if" questions become a bottomless pit. No amount of "yes, I’d love you" will fill it because the insecurity is coming from inside the house, not from the partner's behavior.
How to answer without losing your mind
So, your partner just asked you something ridiculous. Or maybe something heavy. How do you handle it without sounding like a robot or a liar?
First, validate the feeling, not just the question.
You don't have to agree that you'd enjoy life with a pet worm. You just have to acknowledge that they’re looking for a sign of commitment. A good response is often: "I love who you are, so whatever form you take, I’m in your corner." It’s cheesy, but it works because it addresses the core fear: abandonment.
Variations on the theme
People get creative with this. It’s not just about biology. Sometimes it’s about "what if I did something bad?"
- "Would you still love me if I accidentally dented your car?"
- "Would you still love me if I hated your favorite movie?"
These are "micro-tests." They’re seeing if your love is fragile. If you get genuinely angry over a hypothetical dented car, it sends a signal that your affection is tied to their performance or their ability to be "perfect."
The TikTok effect and the "beige flag"
In the last couple of years, social media has turned these questions into a sort of "relationship test" trend. You’ve probably seen the videos where people film their partners’ reactions to the worm question. While it’s mostly for views, it has highlighted a real phenomenon: the "beige flag."
A beige flag is something that isn't necessarily good or bad, but it's just... a thing. Reacting poorly to a would you still love me if question is often labeled a beige flag. It shows a lack of whimsy or a refusal to engage in play. In a world that’s pretty stressful, the ability to play along with your partner’s silly hypotheticals is actually a green flag. It shows high emotional intelligence (EQ) and a willingness to prioritize the partner's feelings over being "right."
Moving beyond the hypotheticals
Eventually, the questions have to stop being "what ifs" and start being "how will we."
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The best way to use these questions is to pivot them into real conversations. If your partner asks if you’d love them if they were poor, use that as a jumping-off point to talk about your financial goals or your fears about the future.
It’s about building a "shared meaning" system.
The most successful couples are the ones who don't just answer "yes" to the worm question but who understand why the question was asked in the first place. They see the underlying need for security and they meet it with empathy rather than annoyance.
What to do next
If you're the one asking, take a second to think about what you're actually worried about. Are you feeling insecure about your appearance? Your career? Your value in the relationship? Instead of asking a hypothetical, try being direct. "I've been feeling a bit insecure lately about [X], can we talk about it?"
If you're the one being asked, stop being so literal.
Put down the logic for five minutes. Give your partner the reassurance they’re looking for. It costs you nothing to say "I'd build you the best little worm house in the world," and it earns you a lot of emotional capital.
Actionable Steps for Couples:
- Practice "Turning Toward": When a hypothetical question is asked, stop what you’re doing and give eye contact. This simple act shows the question is important to you because the person asking it is important to you.
- Identify the Core Fear: If a specific "if" question keeps coming up (like losing a job), address the real-world anxiety behind it. Create a plan together for that scenario.
- Use Humor, Not Sarcasm: Humor builds bridges; sarcasm builds walls. If the question is silly, be silly back. If you use sarcasm to shut the question down, you’re essentially telling your partner their feelings are stupid.
- Check Your Attachment Style: Read up on secure vs. anxious attachment. Understanding why you feel the need to ask (or why you feel annoyed by being asked) can change the entire dynamic of the conversation.
- Set Boundaries on Reassurance: If the questions are constant and driven by deep anxiety, suggest talking to a counselor together. It’s okay to admit that you can’t be the only source of someone’s self-esteem.
Love isn't just a feeling; it's a series of choices you make every day. Choosing to engage with a "worm question" might seem small, but it's one of those tiny bricks that builds a very sturdy house.
Stop worrying about the logic of the hypothetical. Start focusing on the person standing in front of you who just wants to know they’re safe with you. That's the only answer that actually matters.