You know that feeling when you're driving and you hear a weird clicking sound coming from the engine? Most of us do one of two things. We either turn up the radio to drown it out, or we pull over, pop the hood, and stare blankly at a bunch of metal we don't understand. But ignoring it doesn't make the piston stop misfiring. It just ensures that when the car finally dies, it’ll happen at 70 mph on a rainy Tuesday. Life works exactly the same way. The reality is that we can’t fix it if we never face it, whether "it" is a crumbling marriage, a mounting pile of debt, or a recurring health issue we’ve been Googling in the middle of the night.
Facing things is terrifying. It’s supposed to be.
Our brains are literally wired for survival, and to your amygdala, admitting you’ve failed at your startup feels about as dangerous as being stalked by a mountain lion. We engage in what psychologists call "experiential avoidance." Basically, we dodge thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations that make us uncomfortable. But here’s the kicker: the more you avoid the monster under the bed, the bigger its teeth get in your imagination. When you finally turn on the light, you usually realize it was just a pile of laundry that needs folding.
The High Cost of Looking Away
When we say we can't fix it if we never face it, we aren't just talking about productivity or "getting things done." We’re talking about the physiological tax of avoidance. Dr. Gabor Maté, a renowned expert on the link between stress and illness, has spent decades arguing that suppressing our emotions and ignoring our personal realities can lead to chronic physical disease. In his book When the Body Says No, he highlights how the stress of not facing our authentic selves—of constantly "performing" or hiding—weakens the immune system. You think you’re saving yourself the headache of a confrontation today, but you might be trading it for an autoimmune disorder ten years down the line.
It’s expensive. Truly.
Think about your bank account. If you’re scared to look at the balance because you know you’ve overspent, the anxiety doesn't vanish. It just migrates. It becomes a knot in your neck or a short temper with your kids. By the time you actually look at the numbers, you’ve lost weeks of potential problem-solving time. You could have called the bank. You could have sold that old guitar. Instead, you sat in a dark room of your own making.
Why Our Brains Love the "Ostrich Effect"
There’s a specific term for this in behavioral finance called the Ostrich Effect. It was first coined by Dan Galai and Orly Sade in 2006. They noticed that investors checked their portfolios significantly less often when the market was down. It’s fascinating, right? When the market is crashing—the very time you need the most data to make informed decisions—is exactly when people put their heads in the sand.
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We do this because of "cognitive dissonance." We want to believe we are smart, capable, and in control. Facing a mistake means admitting we weren't one of those things for a moment. To protect our ego, we simply look away.
But look at someone like Ray Dalio, the founder of Bridgewater Associates. He built one of the world's most successful hedge funds on a principle he calls "radical transparency." He argues that the only way to evolve is to look at your mistakes with clinical, almost brutal, honesty. He doesn't view a mistake as a moral failure. He views it as a "puzzle" that, once solved, provides a "gem" (the lesson). If you don't face the puzzle, you never get the gem. You just keep holding the broken pieces.
The Social Component: We Are All Pretending
It’s not just an individual problem. It’s a cultural one. We live in a world of curated Instagram feeds and LinkedIn "announcements" where everyone is "humbled and honored" to be doing something amazing. Nobody posts about the night they cried in the shower because they felt like a fraud.
Because we don't see others facing their messes, we feel like our messes are uniquely shameful. This creates a feedback loop of silence. We can't fix it if we never face it, but we’re too scared to face it because we think we’re the only ones with something to fix.
Brené Brown’s research on shame is the gold standard here. She found that shame loses its power the moment it is spoken. By facing the "it" and saying it out loud to a trusted person, you strip the situation of its ability to paralyze you. It’s like draining the swamp. Suddenly, you can see the ground you're standing on. It might be muddy, but it's solid.
How to Start Facing the Unfaceable
So, how do you actually do this? It’s not about suddenly becoming a fearless warrior. It’s about being a little bit braver than you are scared.
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- The Two-Minute Look. If you’re avoiding a bill, look at it for exactly two minutes. You don't have to pay it. You don't have to call anyone. Just look at the number. This "micro-exposure" desensitizes your nervous system.
- Name the "It." Stop saying "things are stressful." Say, "I am $14,000 in credit card debt and I don't know how to stop spending." The specificity is where the power lives.
- Audit Your Physical Cues. Your body knows what you're avoiding before your brain does. Where is the tension? Is it in your jaw? Your gut? When you feel that tightening, ask yourself: What am I trying not to think about right now?
- Find a "Mirror" Person. We all need someone who will tell us our breath stinks or our business plan is full of holes. Not a "yes man." A mirror.
Sometimes, facing it means realizing that the thing you were scared of is actually worse than you thought. That’s the risk. But even then, knowing the "worst" is better than fearing the "unknown." Once you know the floor is rotten, you can stop walking on it. You can start the demolition.
The Myth of the "Right Time"
Wait. Stop. You’re probably thinking, "I’ll deal with this once work settles down" or "I’ll talk to him after the holidays."
There is no "right time" to face a painful truth. Waiting for the perfect moment is just avoidance in a fancy suit. In fact, the longer you wait, the more the "it" grows. Problems have a half-life, and they don't decay into something better; they decay into something more complex. A small leak in the roof becomes mold in the walls becomes a structural failure.
In the 1980s, Johnson & Johnson faced a massive crisis when Tylenol bottles were tampered with. It was a nightmare. They could have ignored it or blamed a third party. Instead, they faced it head-on, recalled every single bottle, and redesigned the packaging. It cost them $100 million. But because they faced it, they saved the brand. If they had waited, the company would be a footnote in a history book.
Practical Steps to Resolution
Facing the reality of a situation is only the first half of the equation. Once the hood is popped and you see the smoke, you need a wrench.
First, separate the facts from the feelings. The fact is: "I haven't exercised in six months." The feeling is: "I am a lazy person who will never be fit." The fact is fixable. The feeling is a trap. When you're facing your reality, write down a list of pure, cold facts. No adjectives allowed.
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Second, identify the smallest possible leverage point. If you're facing a failing relationship, don't try to "fix the marriage" in one day. Face the fact that you haven't had a real conversation in a week. The fix is a 20-minute walk without phones.
Third, embrace the mess. The process of fixing something you’ve been avoiding is almost always ugly. It involves apologies, hard work, and probably some embarrassment. That’s okay. Perfectionism is just another form of avoidance. If you wait until you can fix it perfectly, you’ll never start.
Honestly, the most profound thing about this whole concept is the relief that comes afterward. The "facing" is the hardest part. The "fixing" is just work. And work is something we know how to do. It's the ghost-hunting that wears us out. Once you stop running, you realize that you have the tools, the intelligence, and the resilience to handle whatever is in front of you.
Start today. Not by fixing, but just by looking. Open the envelope. Call the doctor. Look at the mirror and tell yourself the truth. You’ve got this, but you have to see it first.
Actionable Insights for Facing Reality:
- Write a "Truth List": Spend five minutes listing three things you are currently avoiding. Don't commit to fixing them yet—just acknowledge their existence on paper.
- The 5-Second Rule: Use Mel Robbins’ technique. When you feel the urge to avoid a task or a conversation, count 5-4-3-2-1 and just move. Don't give your brain time to negotiate you out of it.
- Schedule Your "Facing" Time: Block out 30 minutes on a Sunday morning specifically for "Admin I Hate." Facing the scary stuff during a dedicated window makes it feel contained and manageable.
- Practice Radical Acceptance: Acknowledge that the situation is what it is. Acceptance isn't approval; it's just an acknowledgment of the starting line. You can't run the race if you're pretending you're at the finish line already.