You’re sitting across from someone at a sticky diner table at 2:00 AM. Or maybe you're staring at a screen, waiting for a text bubble that isn't appearing. In those moments, you wonder why some connections feel like they're made of reinforced steel while others dissolve like wet tissue paper. We call it "chemistry" or "vibes," but that’s lazy. If you want to know what keeps people together for forty years—or even just through a rough work week—you have to look at the structural integrity of the bond. What are the bases of relationships, really? It isn’t just about liking the same Netflix shows or having "good communication." It’s deeper, messier, and much more intentional than that.
Relationships are basically built on three massive pillars: intimacy, passion, and commitment. This isn't just my opinion; it’s a framework famously proposed by psychologist Robert Sternberg in his Triangular Theory of Love. But even that feels a bit too academic when you're trying to figure out why you and your sister haven't spoken in three months. In the real world, the "bases" are the invisible ground you walk on every day.
Trust is the Only Currency That Matters
Trust is the bedrock. Without it, you’re just two people standing near each other, waiting for the other person to trip. But trust isn't a single thing. It’s a bank account.
Dr. John Gottman, who has studied thousands of couples in his "Love Lab" at the University of Washington, talks about "sliding door moments." These are the tiny, seemingly insignificant opportunities to connect. When your partner says, "Look at that cool bird," you have a choice. You can look at the bird (turning toward), or you can keep scrolling on your phone (turning away). These tiny moments are what are the bases of relationships in practice. Each time you turn toward, you're making a deposit. When the "account" is full, you trust that the other person has your back during the big stuff.
👉 See also: How to Master Chocolate Lava Cake for Two Without Making a Mess
Trust also means reliability. Can I predict your behavior? If you say you’re going to be there at 6:00, are you there? It sounds boring, but predictability is the antidote to anxiety. When you can’t predict someone’s emotional response or their physical presence, the relationship enters a state of chronic stress. This is why "hot and cold" behavior is so damaging—it literally erodes the foundation until the whole structure collapses.
The Reality of Shared Values vs. Shared Interests
A lot of people get this mixed up. They think because they both love hiking and IPA beers, they’re soulmates. That’s nonsense. You can love hiking and still have completely different ideas about how to handle money, how to raise kids, or what "loyalty" means.
Shared interests are the "fun" layer. They’re the paint on the walls. But shared values? That’s the framing of the house. If one person values radical honesty and the other values "peace at any price" (which usually means lying to avoid conflict), you’re going to have a problem.
Dr. Karl Pillemer from Cornell University interviewed over 700 elderly people for his book 30 Lessons for Loving. One of the biggest takeaways? Similar core values are the most consistent predictor of long-term success. This doesn't mean you have to be clones. It means that when life gets hard—and it will—you are both looking at the problem through a similar moral lens. If you value "security" and they value "risk," every financial decision becomes a battlefield.
Emotional Intelligence and the Art of the "Repair"
We spend a lot of time talking about how to avoid fights. That’s a waste of time. Everyone fights. The real secret to understanding what are the bases of relationships is focusing on the repair.
Conflict is actually a data point. It tells you where the boundaries are. But if you don't know how to come back together after a blow-up, the relationship starts to accumulate "emotional debt." Successful relationships have a high "repair-to-rupture" ratio. This requires emotional intelligence (EQ)—the ability to recognize your own triggers and realize that your partner’s anger might actually be masked fear.
Common Repair Attempts
- Using humor to break the tension (if appropriate).
- Physically touching a hand or shoulder during a heated talk.
- Saying, "I’m sorry, I overreacted," even if you still think you're 20% right.
- Taking a "time out" before someone says something they can't take back.
People with low EQ often view relationships as a win-loss game. If I "win" the argument, you "lose." But in a relationship, if one person loses, both people lose. The relationship is the entity that needs to win.
✨ Don't miss: Finding Happy Birthday Images for a Lady Without Looking Like a Bot
Vulnerability: The "Secret Sauce"
Brené Brown made a career out of explaining that vulnerability is not weakness. In the context of the bases of relationships, vulnerability is the bridge. You cannot have true intimacy without the risk of being rejected.
Think about the first time you told someone a secret you were ashamed of. If they met you with empathy, the bond tripled in strength overnight. If they judged you, it died. Intimacy is built in those "cringe" moments where you show the unpolished version of yourself. This is why "Instagram-perfect" relationships often feel hollow—they are based on an image, not the messy reality of being a human being.
Power Dynamics and Mutual Respect
You can’t have a healthy base if there’s a massive power imbalance. This shows up in many ways:
- Financial power: One person controls all the money.
- Emotional power: One person is "less invested" and uses that to manipulate the other.
- Decision-making: One person’s career or needs always take precedence.
Respect is the acknowledgment that the other person is a whole, separate individual with their own internal world. It sounds basic, but it’s remarkably rare. Respect means you don’t try to "fix" them or "manage" them. You accept their autonomy. When respect vanishes, contempt moves in. Gottman calls contempt the "sulfuric acid of relationships." Once you start looking down on your partner or friend, the base is already gone.
Physical and Sexual Connection (It's Not Just for Romance)
While we usually think of "physicality" in terms of sex, it’s a broader base for all human connection. Touch releases oxytocin—the "cuddle hormone." For romantic relationships, sexual compatibility is a significant pillar, but for friendships and family, it’s about physical presence and "propinquity."
Propinquity is a fancy sociological term for "physical proximity." The more you see someone, the more likely you are to form a bond. This is why long-distance relationships are so incredibly taxing; you are fighting against the biological need for presence. Digital connection is a supplement, not a replacement, for the physical base of a relationship.
The Role of Autonomy
It sounds counterintuitive, but a strong relationship requires two people who are okay being alone. If you "need" someone to complete you, you aren’t in a relationship; you’re in a hostage situation. This is often called differentiation.
💡 You might also like: Outfit con pantalones anchos: Por qué sigues viéndote mal y cómo arreglarlo ahora mismo
Highly differentiated people can be close to others without losing their sense of self. They don't take their partner's bad mood personally. They have their own hobbies, their own friends, and their own opinions. When the base of a relationship is "enmeshment" (where you can't tell where one person ends and the other begins), it eventually leads to resentment or a total loss of identity.
Why This Matters Right Now
In 2026, we are lonelier than ever despite being "connected." We’ve traded the deep architectural bases of relationships for "likes" and "streaks." We prioritize the "spark"—that initial chemical rush—over the slow-burn construction of trust and shared values.
But the spark is just the match. The bases are the logs that keep the fire going when the wind picks up. If you're feeling a disconnect in your life, stop looking at the symptoms and start looking at the foundation. Is the trust account empty? Are your values misaligned? Have you stopped "repairing" after fights?
Actionable Next Steps to Strengthen Your Foundations
If you want to move from theory to practice, here is how you actually audit and fix the bases of your relationships:
- Conduct a "Values Audit": Sit down with your partner or a close friend. Don't talk about your day. Talk about your top three non-negotiables in life (e.g., freedom, security, family, adventure). See where they overlap and, more importantly, where they clash.
- Practice the 5:1 Ratio: Aim for five positive interactions for every one negative interaction. This is the "magic ratio" found in stable relationships. A positive interaction can be as small as a smile or a "thank you."
- The 20-Minute Stress-Reducing Conversation: Every day, spend twenty minutes talking about things outside the relationship. Listen without trying to solve their problems. Just be a safe harbor. This builds the "intimacy" base without the pressure of "fixing" things.
- Identify Your "Repair" Style: Next time there’s a disagreement, pay attention to how you try to make up. Does it work? If not, ask the other person: "What do you need from me in the minutes after a fight to feel safe again?"
- Schedule "Unplugged" Time: Physical presence is diluted by screens. Dedicate one hour a week to total "propinquity"—no phones, just being in the same physical and mental space.
Relationships aren't something you "find." They are something you build, brick by brick, on a foundation of choices. Knowing what are the bases of relationships gives you the blueprint, but you still have to show up every day and do the work.