Oscar Wilde had a knack for being annoying. He was flamboyant, sharp-tongued, and deeply cynical about the Victorian era’s rigid moral codes. But when he wrote that to love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance in his play An Ideal Husband, he wasn't just being a dandy or a narcissist. He was accidentally (or perhaps very intentionally) laying the groundwork for what we now call modern psychology.
It's a weird phrase when you think about it. Romance implies two people, right? It implies candlelit dinners, nervous first dates, and the slow, messy process of learning someone’s favorite coffee order or why they hate their hometown. But Wilde suggests that the most intense, enduring, and high-stakes relationship you will ever have is the one where you are both the lover and the beloved.
Most people get this wrong. They think self-love is about buying a $40 face mask or "treating yourself" to a latte. Honestly? That's just consumerism. Real self-love—the kind that fuels a lifelong romance—is much grittier. It’s about how you talk to yourself when you fail a project at 2 AM or how you handle the quiet, boring moments of your own existence.
The Science of the Internal Monologue
We aren't just floating spirits; we are biological machines governed by neurochemistry. When we talk about the idea that to love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance, we’re actually talking about the health of the prefrontal cortex and the amygdala.
Research by Dr. Kristin Neff, a pioneer in the field of self-compassion at the University of Texas at Austin, shows that people who practice self-kindness have significantly lower levels of cortisol. When you mess up and your brain starts screaming that you’re an idiot, your body reacts as if it’s being chased by a predator. Your heart rate spikes. Your breathing gets shallow. If your "lifelong romance" with yourself is toxic, you are essentially living in a state of constant physiological stress.
Think about a traditional romance. If your partner followed you around all day pointing out your cellulite or reminding you of that embarrassing thing you said in 2014, you’d dump them. You would call that an abusive relationship. Yet, many of us allow our internal voice to say things we would never tolerate from a stranger.
Wilde, Narcissism, and the Great Misunderstanding
There is a huge difference between self-love and narcissism, and this is where people usually trip up. Narcissism is a hunger. It’s an empty void that requires external validation to feel whole. A narcissist doesn't actually love themselves; they love the idea of themselves and need you to confirm it.
Conversely, the "lifelong romance" Wilde describes is inward-facing. It’s self-contained.
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In the late 19th century, Wilde was pushing back against a culture that demanded self-sacrifice above all else. The Victorians loved a martyr. Wilde argued that if you don't take care of your own soul, you have nothing of value to give anyone else. It’s the "put on your own oxygen mask first" logic, but applied to the spirit.
You’ve probably seen those "that girl" TikToks where everything is beige and aesthetic. That isn't what Wilde meant. He meant the radical act of choosing yourself in a world that profits from your self-hatred. If you like yourself, you’re harder to sell things to. You’re harder to manipulate. You become a bit of a rebel.
Why This Romance Is So Hard to Maintain
Relationships are work. Anyone who has been married for more than five minutes will tell you that. The romance you have with yourself is no different. It gets boring. You get sick of your own excuses.
We live in a "hustle culture" that views self-maintenance as a luxury. We’re taught that if we aren't producing, we aren't valuable. This makes the lifelong romance feel like a chore. We schedule "self-care" like it’s a dental appointment.
But consider the alternative.
If you don't build this foundation, you spend your entire life looking for other people to fill the gaps. You become a "love beggar," jumping from person to person, hoping someone will finally provide the validation you refuse to give yourself. It’s a recipe for resentment. When you realize that to love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance, you stop asking other people to do the heavy lifting of making you feel worthy of existing.
Practical Nuance: The "Bad Date" Phase
Sometimes, you won't like yourself. That’s okay.
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In a long-term marriage, there are days when you can't stand the way the other person breathes. The "lifelong romance" has those phases too. There will be seasons of life where you feel like a failure, where you hate your reflection, or where you feel profoundly uninteresting.
The "romance" part isn't about being obsessed with yourself 24/7. It’s about commitment. It’s the decision to stay at the table even when things are ugly.
Ways the Romance Actually Looks in Real Life:
- Setting boundaries that make you unpopular. Sometimes loving yourself means saying "no" to a friend’s birthday party because you are genuinely exhausted, even if they get annoyed.
- Forgiving the "younger version" of you. We all have a version of ourselves from five or ten years ago that we're ashamed of. A good partner wouldn't throw your past in your face every day. You shouldn't either.
- Physical maintenance as an act of love, not punishment. Exercising because you like how your body feels when it’s strong, rather than exercising to "erase" a pizza you ate.
- Protecting your attention. Being careful about what you consume—social media, news, toxic conversations—because you recognize that your mind is a space worth protecting.
The Role of Solitude
You cannot have a romance with someone you never spend time with. Most of us are terrified of being alone. We fill the silence with podcasts, scrolling, or background TV.
But solitude is the "date night" of the self-romance.
Blaise Pascal famously said that all of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone. When you sit in silence, the "noise" starts to settle. You begin to hear what you actually think, not just what you’ve been told to think. It’s uncomfortable. It’s awkward. It’s like a first date where you don't know what to talk about. But if you push through the awkwardness, you start to develop a genuine rapport with your own consciousness.
Shifting the Narrative
We need to stop viewing self-love as a destination. You don't "arrive" at a place where you love yourself and then stay there forever. It’s a rhythmic process.
Wilde’s quote is often found on inspirational posters with sunsets, which is kind of ironic considering his life ended in scandal and poverty. But even in his darkest moments, Wilde maintained a sense of his own individuality. He knew that even if the whole world turned against him—which it basically did after his trial—he still had to live with Oscar.
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Actionable Steps for the Long Haul
If you're serious about the idea that to love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance, you have to treat it as a practice, not a feeling. Feelings are fickle. Practices are stable.
1. Audit your internal dialogue. For one day, try to notice every time you insult yourself. Don't even try to change it yet. Just notice. "I'm so stupid." "I look terrible." "I always mess this up." Once you see the patterns, you can start to question them. Would you say that to a friend? If not, why is it okay to say to the person you're in a lifelong romance with?
2. Create a "Non-Negotiable" list. What are three things that make your soul feel human? Maybe it’s a 10-minute walk, reading a physical book, or making a real breakfast. Protect those things like they are appointments with a high-profile client. Because, in this case, the client is you.
3. Practice Radical Honesty. Stop lying to yourself about why you’re unhappy. If you’re in a job you hate or a relationship that’s drained you, the most "romantic" thing you can do for yourself is to acknowledge the truth. You can't fix what you won't name.
4. End the Comparison Game. Comparison is the "infidelity" of self-love. When you compare your "behind-the-scenes" footage with everyone else’s "highlight reel" on Instagram, you are being unfaithful to your own journey.
This isn't about being perfect. It’s about being on your own side. When the world gets loud and the critics start circling, the only thing that will keep you steady is that internal romance. It’s the quiet confidence that comes from knowing that, no matter what happens out there, you are okay in here.
Start by being a little bit kinder to the person in the mirror today. Not because they've earned it by being productive or "good," but simply because they are the only person who is going to be with you until the very end. That’s a relationship worth investing in.