We’ve all seen it. You’re scrolling through a dating app—Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, take your pick—and you see that specific prompt: the way to win me over is. Usually, the answers are painfully dry. "Buy me tacos." "Make me laugh." "Take me to the airport." Honestly, it’s become a bit of a digital graveyard for personality. But there’s a reason this specific phrase has become the backbone of modern digital introductions. It’s not just a filler question; it’s a psychological gateway.
Psychologists call this "social signaling." When you answer a prompt about what wins you over, you aren't just stating a preference. You're setting a barrier to entry. You're telling the world exactly where your value lies.
The psychology behind the prompt
Why does this specific phrase stick? Dr. Eli Finkel, a professor at Northwestern University and author of The All-Or-Nothing Marriage, has spent years looking at how modern dating has shifted from "satisficing" to "self-actualization." We don’t just want a partner who helps us survive the winter; we want someone who helps us become the best version of ourselves.
So, when someone writes that the way to win me over is through "deep conversations about space," they aren't looking for an astronomer. They’re looking for intellectual compatibility. They want a co-pilot for their curiosity.
It's about vulnerability.
Think about it. Putting a requirement out there is risky. If you say you want someone who loves 90s shoegaze music, you’re narrowing your pool. That’s scary for most people. Most people want to be liked by everyone. But the most successful "daters"—if we have to use that clinical term—are the ones who are okay with being "disliked" by the wrong people.
What actually works (and what doesn't)
If you're looking at a screen trying to figure out how to respond to the way to win me over is, you have to stop thinking about what sounds "cool." Cool is boring. Cool is a mask.
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Specifics win. Every time.
If you say "food," you’ve said nothing. Everyone eats. If you say "bringing me a specific type of spicy miso ramen from that hole-in-the-wall place on 4th Street when I’m having a bad day," you’ve painted a picture. You’ve given the other person a script. You've made it easy for them to succeed.
Why generic answers are killing your chances
- Tacos and Margaritas: This is the "Live, Laugh, Love" of the 2020s. It’s a placeholder for a personality.
- Travel: Unless you’re talking about a specific trek through the Andes or your obsession with Japanese stationery shops, it's too broad.
- Communication: This is a basic human requirement, not a "way to win someone over." It’s like saying the way to win me over is by breathing oxygen.
The "Investment Model" of attraction
Caryl Rusbult’s Investment Model of Commitment suggests that we stay in relationships based on three things: satisfaction, alternatives, and investment. The the way to win me over is prompt is the very first stage of that investment.
When a person responds to your prompt with effort, they are investing. They are doing the "work" of the relationship before it even starts. That’s why the prompt is so effective. It’s a low-stakes test. If someone can’t put in the effort to read your prompt and respond with something thoughtful, they probably aren’t going to put in the effort to remember your sister’s birthday or your coffee order.
Nuance and the "Ick" factor
There is a fine line here. Sometimes, being too specific can backfire. If your answer to the way to win me over is sounds like a job description for an unpaid intern, you’re going to scare people off.
"The way to win me over is by cleaning my apartment and never asking me where I’m going."
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Yikes.
That’s not a preference; that’s a red flag. Red flags in these prompts usually revolve around control or extreme cynicism. If your prompt answer sounds like you’re already annoyed with the person reading it, you’ve lost. Positivity—not the fake kind, but the genuine kind—is magnetic.
Real world examples that actually landed
I’ve looked at a lot of data on this. Not just the "official" studies from Hinge’s lab, but real-world feedback from people who actually find long-term partners.
One guy wrote: "the way to win me over is by showing me a song that makes me want to pull the car over to the side of the road just to listen."
That’s gold. It’s evocative. It shows he values emotion and art. It gives the other person a clear task: "Hey, listen to this song."
Another woman wrote: "the way to win me over is by having a very strong, very debatable opinion on which Muppet is the most chaotic."
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It’s funny. It’s low-pressure. It invites a debate that isn’t about politics or religion, but still reveals how a person thinks.
The "Slow Dating" movement
We’re seeing a shift toward "Slow Dating." After years of swiping fatigue, people are getting more intentional. The prompt the way to win me over is acts as a speed bump. It forces you to pause.
In a 2023 study by Match.com in their "Singles in America" report, they found that "intentionality" is the top trait sought after by Gen Z and Millennials. People are tired of the "hey" and "u up?" culture. They want depth. They want someone who has taken the time to think about what they actually need in a partner.
Actionable steps for a better response
- Identify your "Micro-Joy": What is a tiny, specific thing that makes your day better? Is it a fresh notebook? A perfectly timed green light? Use that.
- Avoid the Negative: Never start with "Don't..." or "You won't..." It’s a downer.
- The "Why" Matters: If you say you like something, briefly mention why. "The way to win me over is a surprise bookstore trip because I can never decide what to read next."
- Check the Vibe: Read it out loud. Does it sound like you? Or does it sound like an AI trying to be a "cool girl" or a "chill guy"? If it’s the latter, delete it.
- Be Vulnerable, Sorta: You don’t have to pour your heart out, but don't be afraid to show a little bit of your "nerdy" side. Passion is attractive.
Beyond the screen
The reality is that the way to win me over is shouldn't just be a dating app prompt. It’s a question we should be asking ourselves in our friendships and our professional lives. What actually makes us feel seen?
Is it when a colleague remembers that you prefer emails over Slack messages? Is it when a friend brings you a snack you mentioned you liked three months ago?
Winning someone over isn't about a grand gesture. It’s rarely about the boombox outside the window or the roses on the bed. It’s about the "bids for connection," as Dr. John Gottman calls them. Small, everyday moments where one person reaches out and the other person meets them there.
If you can master the art of expressing what you need—and learning how to spot what others need—you’ve basically cracked the code of human connection. It’s not magic. It’s just attention.
Practical next steps
- Audit your own "requirements": Take five minutes and write down three things that actually make you feel appreciated. Not what you think should make you happy, but what actually does.
- Update your profiles: If you’re active on dating apps, look at your current answer to the way to win me over is. If it’s about tacos, change it. Right now. Replace it with something that happened in the last week that made you smile.
- Practice "Active Noticing": The next time you’re with someone you care about, look for their "win me over" signals. Do they light up when you ask about their work? Do they seem relieved when you take the lead on dinner plans?
- Test the "Specifics" Rule: In your next conversation, instead of asking "How was your day?", ask a specific question based on something they've told you before. See how the energy changes.