Bob Marley once said something that people love to put on coffee mugs and Instagram captions, but rarely want to actually sit with: the truth is everyone is going to hurt you. It sounds cynical. It sounds like a reason to lock the door and never talk to another human being again. But if you look at the psychological data on human attachment and the reality of long-term relationships, it’s actually one of the most liberating things you can accept.
Pain is a side effect of proximity.
Think about it this way. If you stand ten feet away from someone, they can’t step on your toes. If you’re dancing with them, it’s bound to happen eventually. It’s not because they’re mean or because they don’t care about your feet. It’s just physics. Relationships are the same way. We enter them expecting a constant stream of validation and comfort, but we’re bringing two different sets of traumas, communication styles, and bad habits into one space. Collision is inevitable.
Why We Run From the Reality of Relational Pain
We live in a culture that treats "hurt" as a red flag. If a partner forgets an important date or a friend lets a secret slip, the modern reflex is often to label them toxic and cut them off. While boundaries are great, the refusal to accept that the truth is everyone is going to hurt you leads to a very lonely life. You end up in a cycle of "disposable relationships," trading people in as soon as they show their human flaws.
Psychologists like Dr. Dan Siegel often talk about "rupture and repair." In his work on attachment, he notes that it’s not the absence of conflict that makes a relationship strong; it’s the ability to fix it. If you go through life trying to find someone who will never cause you a moment of grief, you’re looking for a ghost. Or a statue. Neither of those makes for a very good Friday night date.
Humans are messy. We’re tired, we’re stressed, and sometimes we’re just plain selfish. Honestly, you've probably hurt people you love deeply without even realizing it. Maybe you were distracted. Maybe you were defensive. If we can't extend the grace to others that we secretly hope they’ll extend to us, we’re stuck in a stalemate of perfectionism.
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The Science of Social Friction
There is a biological component to why it hurts so much when someone close to us messes up. The brain processes social rejection and emotional pain in the same regions where it processes physical pain—specifically the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex and the anterior insula. When your best friend cancels plans at the last minute for the third time, your brain isn't just "annoyed." It’s reacting similarly to a stubbed toe or a burned finger.
But here is where it gets interesting.
The "hurt" isn't always an attack. Often, it's just a misalignment of expectations. According to the Gottman Institute, which has studied thousands of couples over decades, about 69% of relationship conflict is never actually "solved." These are perpetual problems based on personality differences. If you’re a neat freak and your partner is a "creative" (a nice word for messy), they are going to hurt your feelings by leaving the dishes out. Every. Single. Day.
Accepting that the truth is everyone is going to hurt you means you stop asking "How could they do this?" and start asking "Is this a person worth hurting for?"
Knowing the Difference Between a Mistake and Malice
It’s vital to distinguish between the inherent friction of being human and actual abuse.
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- The Human Friction: Forgetting a detail, being grumpy after work, failing to read your mind, or having a different opinion.
- The Red Flags: Gaslighting, physical harm, intentional manipulation, or a pattern of refusing to take accountability.
When people talk about the inevitability of hurt, they aren't giving a hall pass for toxic behavior. They're acknowledging that even the "perfect" partner is going to disappoint you. If you expect a 0% failure rate, you’re setting yourself up for a 100% failure rate in your search for connection.
Why Your Expectations Are the Real Problem
Most of the time, the sting comes from the gap between what we expected and what happened. We build these internal scripts. "If they loved me, they would have known I wanted the blue one." "If she was a real friend, she would have called me the second she heard the news."
When people deviate from your script, it hurts. But the script was yours, not theirs.
The concept of "radical acceptance," a core pillar of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) developed by Marsha Linehan, applies perfectly here. Radical acceptance is about accepting reality as it is, without judgment or attempts to fight it. When you radically accept that the truth is everyone is going to hurt you, you stop being shocked by it. You stop feeling like a victim of the universe every time a friend is thoughtless. You realize it’s just part of the price of admission for being part of the human race.
Practical Steps for Living With This Truth
Since you can't avoid the hurt, you have to get better at handling the aftermath. This isn't about being a doormat. It's about being resilient.
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1. Audit your "worth it" list. Sit down and look at the people in your life. If your brother is a loud-mouth who says offensive things but would drive across the state at 3 AM to jump-start your car, he’s probably "worth" the occasional hurt. If you have a "friend" who drains your energy and offers nothing in return, the hurt they cause has no ROI. Choose your people wisely.
2. Master the "Repair" conversation.
When someone hurts you, tell them. But don't lead with an accusation. Try the "I" statement method that therapists always nag us about. "I felt really small when you joked about my job in front of your parents" works better than "You're a jerk who always puts me down." If they listen and try to adjust, that’s a keeper.
3. Lower the pedestal. Stop putting people on pedestals. It’s a long way to fall. When you realize your heroes, your parents, and your partners are just as flawed and confused as you are, their mistakes become less about you and more about their own struggles.
4. Build emotional calluses. This doesn't mean becoming cold. It means realizing that a single instance of being hurt isn't a catastrophe. You've survived it before, and you'll survive it again. The more you trust your own ability to heal, the less you fear the potential for pain.
Final Thoughts on Finding the "Right" People
The goal isn't to find someone who won't hurt you. That person doesn't exist. The goal is to find the ones who are worth the struggle. You're looking for the person who, when they do inevitably mess up, cares enough to stick around and help you heal.
In the end, vulnerability is a gamble. You're putting your heart in someone else's hands and hoping they don't squeeze too hard. Sometimes they will. But the alternative—keeping your heart in a box where it’s safe but cold—is a much worse way to live. Accept the friction. Forgive the clumsiness. Focus on the repair rather than the rupture.