It starts with a simple scroll. You’re on TikTok or X (formerly Twitter), and you see a video of someone getting "curved" or rejected. Instead of a typical sad song or a "villain arc" gym montage, the caption reads: if you don't want me i'll just deem you gay.
It’s blunt. It’s messy. It’s deeply unserious.
This specific string of words has transformed from a niche reaction to a full-blown linguistic shorthand. Honestly, it’s a fascinating look at how Gen Z and Gen Alpha handle the sting of rejection by using humor as a defensive shield. It’s not about literal orientation. It’s about the absurdity of a bruised ego.
The psychology behind the meme
Why does this work? Most people hate being told "no." Rejection is biologically painful; studies from the University of Michigan have shown that the brain processes social rejection in the same regions where it processes physical pain.
To cope, we use humor.
When someone says if you don't want me i'll just deem you gay, they are engaging in a form of cognitive dissonance. If the person who rejected them is "not interested in their gender," then the rejection isn't personal. It isn't because the speaker wasn't funny enough, pretty enough, or smart enough. It’s just "technical difficulties."
It’s a joke. Obviously.
But it’s also a commentary on how we view desirability. The phrase suggests that the speaker is so objectively "top-tier" that the only logical explanation for a lack of interest must be a fundamental lack of compatibility on a biological level. It’s the ultimate "it’s not me, it’s you" upgrade for the digital age.
Origin stories and the "Deeming" culture
Internet slang rarely stays in one place for long. While it’s hard to pin down the exact first user—memes are like digital wildfire—the vibe draws heavily from "stan" culture and "reaction" culture.
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You’ve probably seen the "if he doesn't want me, he's gay" trope in old romantic comedies or heard it whispered in high school hallways for decades. However, the specific phrasing of "deeming" someone adds a layer of faux-authority.
Why the word "Deem" matters
"Deem" is a heavy word. Usually, judges deem things. Kings deem things. By using a formal, almost legalistic word in a ridiculous context, the speaker creates a comedic contrast.
- It sounds official.
- It sounds final.
- It sounds hilarious when paired with a rejection from a Tinder match named Tyler.
We see this everywhere now. On TikTok, creators use it as a "coping mechanism" soundbite. It’s usually accompanied by a shrug or a very specific "unbothered" facial expression. The irony is the point. Everyone knows the speaker is actually a little bit bothered, but by leaning into the absurdity, they regain the upper hand in the social narrative.
The controversy: Is it offensive?
Let’s be real. Not everyone loves this.
Whenever a phrase uses sexual orientation as a punchline, there’s going to be a debate. Some argue that if you don't want me i'll just deem you gay leans into old-school tropes where being gay is used as a "default" for anything that doesn't align with the speaker's ego.
On the flip side, a huge portion of the LGBTQ+ community actually uses the phrase themselves. It’s been reclaimed in a way that mocks the very idea of heteronormativity. When a girl says it about a guy who didn't text back, it’s often seen as a parody of the "delusional" girl trope.
Context is king here.
In 2026, the nuance of internet slang is shifting. We are moving away from "ironic" bigotry and more toward "absurdist" self-deprecating humor. The phrase is less about the person being "deemed" and more about the speaker's own refusal to accept a reality where they aren't the main character.
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How the phrase is used in 2026
If you’re looking at your feed today, you’ll notice a few distinct ways this pops up.
First, there’s the "Manifestation Fail." You try to manifest a text from an ex, it doesn't happen, and you post the phrase as a way to close the chapter. It’s a digital ritual of moving on.
Then there’s the "Satirical Delusion" content. This is where the creator leans 100% into being "delulu." They might list five "signs" someone likes them—like "he breathed in my direction"—and then end with the keyword when the person doesn't actually ask them out.
It has also spilled over into gaming. You’ll see it in Twitch chats when a streamer gets rejected by an NPC in an RPG or when a teammate refuses to "pocket heal" a player. It’s becoming a universal term for "I didn't get what I wanted, so I'm making up a reason why."
The "Deeming" effect on dating culture
Does this actually change how we date? Sorta.
It highlights a trend called "Hardballing," where people are being much more upfront about what they want. When that directness fails, the fallout is public. We used to cry in our pillows; now we make a 15-second reel.
The phrase if you don't want me i'll just deem you gay serves as a pressure valve. Dating in the 2020s is exhausting. The apps are glitchy, the ghosting is constant, and the "talking stages" are endless.
A little bit of "delusional" humor helps people stay in the game. It prevents the "burnout" that comes from taking every rejection as a commentary on your worth as a human being. If you can laugh at the rejection, you can keep swiping.
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The linguistics of "Copium"
"Copium" is a portmanteau of "cope" and "opium." It’s an internet term for a fictional drug people take when they are in denial.
The "deeming" phrase is the purest form of Copium.
- It provides instant relief.
- It requires zero self-reflection.
- It gets high engagement on social media.
Actionable insights for the digital citizen
If you’re seeing this phrase and wondering how to navigate it—or if you’re tempted to use it—keep a few things in mind.
Understand your audience.
If you’re in a circle where this kind of humor is common, it’ll land well. If you’re in a professional setting or with people who don't spend 6 hours a day on TikTok, it might come across as genuinely offensive or just plain confusing.
Don't take it literally.
When you see someone post if you don't want me i'll just deem you gay, they aren't making a sociological statement. They are likely trying to save face after a minor embarrassment. Don't be the person who starts a 40-comment thread arguing about the semantics of sexual orientation in a meme.
Use it for the "rejection bounce-back."
The best way to use this energy is to realize that rejection isn't the end of the world. The phrase teaches us that we can choose the narrative of our own lives. You don't have to be the "rejected person." You can be the "person who is too good for the situation."
Check the vibe.
If the person you're "deeming" is actually part of the LGBTQ+ community, the joke doesn't really work. It loses its "absurdist" edge and just becomes a statement of fact, which isn't funny. The humor relies entirely on the premise being a wild, unfounded assumption.
The shelf life of internet slang is short. By this time next year, we might be "deeming" people something entirely different. But for now, the phrase remains a staple of the "delusional" era of the internet. It’s a shield, a joke, and a way to keep moving forward in a world that says "no" a lot more than it says "yes."
To navigate this landscape, focus on your own self-worth. If someone doesn't see your value, how you choose to joke about it is your business. Just remember that at the end of the day, the most powerful thing you can be is actually unbothered—no "deeming" required.
Don't let a "no" on an app define your week. Laugh at it, post the meme if you have to, and move on to someone who actually says "yes." The internet will always have a new way to phrase things, but the feeling of being "over it" is timeless.