Relationships are messy. Honestly, most of the advice we get is either too sugary or way too clinical. Then there’s Iyanla Vanzant. If you’ve ever found yourself sitting in a quiet house, wondering why your dating life feels like a repetitive loop of "almosts" and "not quites," you’ve probably heard of the In the Meantime book. It isn't just a self-help manual. It’s a confrontation.
Vanzant released this work decades ago, yet it feels weirdly more relevant in the era of mindless scrolling and "situationships" than it did when it first hit the shelves. People think it’s a book about finding a partner. It’s actually a book about finding yourself while you're waiting for that partner. Or, more accurately, it’s about cleaning up your "house" so you don't bring a new person into a cluttered, emotional mess.
We’ve all been there.
You’re in the "meantime." That awkward, often painful gap between where you are and where you want to be. Most of us try to skip this part. We want the destination without the layover. But Vanzant argues that the layover is where the actual work happens. If you don't handle the "meantime" correctly, you’ll just keep recreating the same old disasters with new faces.
The Architecture of the In the Meantime Book
The core of the In the Meantime book is built around a metaphor: your life is a house. It sounds simple, maybe even a little cliché at first, but she goes deep with it. She breaks it down into floors. Basement, main floor, attic. Most people are living in the basement and wondering why the view sucks.
The basement is where we keep the old stuff. The "my ex did this to me" baggage. The "my dad didn't love me enough" trauma. Vanzant doesn't let you just look at the basement; she makes you scrub the floors. She’s famous for that "get over yourself" brand of tough love that feels like a hug and a slap at the same time. You can’t decorate the upper floors of a relationship if the foundation is rotting with unaddressed resentment.
Vanzant is an expert in spiritual psychology. She’s been through it—divorce, loss, career upheaval. When she writes about the "meantime," she isn't theorizing from an ivory tower. She’s speaking from the trenches. That’s why the book resonates. It’s authentic. It acknowledges that being alone can feel like a punishment, even though it’s actually an opportunity.
Why We Get Stuck in the Basement
It's comfy down there. Kind of. We know the smell of our own misery. In the In the Meantime book, Vanzant points out that we often stay in the basement because we’re afraid of what we’ll find if we start cleaning. We blame the "meantime" on external factors—the dating market is bad, men are trash, women are too demanding—but the book flips the script.
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What if the meantime is a gift?
Most of us treat this period as a waiting room. We’re sitting there, checking our watches, annoyed that the "real" life hasn't started yet. Vanzant suggests that the "meantime" is the "all-time." It is the period of preparation. If you’re not ready for the relationship you say you want, the universe (or God, or luck, however you frame it) isn't going to give it to you. Or if it does, you’ll just ruin it because you haven't done the internal housekeeping.
Moving Beyond the "Waiting" Mindset
One of the biggest misconceptions about this book is that it’s only for single people. That is totally wrong. You can be in a marriage and still be in a "meantime." You might be in the meantime between a struggling relationship and a thriving one. You might be in the meantime between who you were and who you are becoming.
The In the Meantime book hits hard on the idea of "clearing the clutter."
- Forgiving people who aren't sorry.
- Stopping the habit of looking for validation in other people's eyes.
- Understanding that your value isn't tied to your relationship status.
It’s about "spiritual alignment." Vanzant uses a lot of spiritual language, but even if you aren't the religious type, the psychology holds up. It’s basically cognitive behavioral therapy mixed with soul work. You change the thought patterns, you change the emotional response, you change the life outcome.
The Reality of Emotional Housekeeping
Let’s talk about the attic. In Vanzant's metaphor, the attic is where we store the things we think we’ve dealt with but have actually just shoved out of sight. It’s those high-level beliefs about what we "deserve."
If you believe, deep down, that you’re only worth something when you’re taking care of someone else, you’ll keep attracting people who need fixing. The In the Meantime book forces you to look at those patterns. It asks the hard questions. Why are you drawn to the unavailable? Why do you run when things get stable? It’s not a fun process. It’s actually kind of exhausting. But the alternative is staying in that basement forever.
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Why Vanzant’s Advice Still Hits in 2026
We live in a world of instant gratification. You can swipe right and have a date in twenty minutes. We’ve been conditioned to think that if something isn't working, we should just replace it. But the In the Meantime book teaches the opposite. It teaches "staying power." Not staying in a bad relationship, but staying with yourself.
We are often terrified of our own company.
Vanzant argues that if you can't be happy alone, you’re a danger to anyone you date. That’s a heavy thought. But it makes sense. If you need a partner to provide your happiness, you’re basically an emotional vampire. You’re putting an impossible burden on another human being. The "meantime" is when you learn how to generate your own light so you’re not asking someone else to be your only power source.
Navigating the "Hallway" of Life
The hallway is that transitional space. It’s the "in-between." Vanzant’s writing style is very rhythmic, almost like a sermon, which helps the medicine go down. She uses anecdotes from her own life and from her clients to show how people get stuck.
She talks about "The Great Expectation." We expect the next person to heal the wounds the last person left. But the In the Meantime book says: no. You heal the wounds. Then you meet the person. It’s a sequence issue. Most of us have the sequence backward. We think the love will bring the healing, but Vanzant insists the healing must bring the love.
Putting the "Meantime" Into Practice
So, what do you actually do with this? It's not just a book you read and put on the shelf. It’s a workbook for your life. If you’re serious about moving out of your current emotional rut, you have to apply the "Meantime" principles daily.
First, stop complaining about being alone.
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It sounds harsh, but Vanzant is big on the power of words. If you’re constantly talking about how lonely you are, you’re just reinforcing the basement walls. Instead, look at the "meantime" as a training camp.
Second, do a "baggage check."
Write down the names of every person you’re still angry at. Now, look at what that anger is doing for you. Hint: it’s doing nothing for you and everything to you. The In the Meantime book emphasizes that forgiveness isn't for the other person; it’s to clear the "dust" out of your own house so you can see clearly.
Third, raise your standards—not for others, but for yourself.
How do you treat you? Do you feed yourself well? Do you keep your space clean? Do you speak kindly to yourself in the mirror? If you treat yourself like a "fixer-upper" that nobody wants to buy, that’s exactly how the world will treat you.
Actionable Steps for the "Meantime"
- Identify your current "floor." Are you in the basement (past trauma), the main floor (daily survival), or the attic (distorted beliefs)? Be honest. You can’t move if you don’t know where you’re standing.
- Conduct a "Relationship Autopsy." Look at your last three "situations" or relationships. What is the common denominator? (Spoiler: it’s you). What pattern are you repeating?
- Commit to the "Clean Up." Pick one emotional habit to break this month. Maybe it’s checking your ex’s Instagram. Maybe it’s self-deprecating jokes. Stop the leak before you try to renovate the whole room.
- Practice Solitude. Not "loneliness," but "solitude." Spend time with yourself without a screen. Learn to tolerate your own thoughts. If you can’t stand being with you, why should anyone else?
- Reframe the Wait. Stop saying "I'm waiting for the one." Start saying "I'm preparing for the one." The shift in energy is subtle but massive.
The In the Meantime book is a classic because it deals with the one thing that never changes: the human heart's tendency to hide from itself. It’s a map for the "in-between" times that we all face, whether we’re 22 or 62. It’s about realizing that the "meantime" isn't a gap in your life. It is your life. And it’s the only time you have to get things right before the next big chapter begins.
Stop trying to rush through the hallway. Check the floorboards. Paint the walls. Make the "meantime" so beautiful that you’re almost sad to leave it when the door finally opens. That’s when you’ll know you’re actually ready.
Immediate Next Steps:
To get the most out of these concepts, start by journaling on a single question: "If my dream partner walked into my life today, what part of my 'house' would I be embarrassed to show them?" Focus on the emotional or mental clutter rather than the physical. Once you identify that "messy room," spend the next seven days focusing exclusively on cleaning it through self-reflection, therapy, or setting new boundaries. Don't worry about finding "the one"—focus entirely on becoming the person you'd actually want to spend forever with.