You know that feeling when you're your own worst enemy? It's that weird, self-sabotaging voice that pipes up right when you're about to succeed. We've all been there. It’s why people still flock to the get out of your own way book—officially titled Get Out of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior—written by Dr. Mark Goulston and Philip Goldberg. It’s not just some dusty self-help relic from the 90s. Honestly, it’s more like a psychological manual for the messiness of being human.
The book doesn't give you that toxic positivity "just believe in yourself" fluff. Instead, it digs into the 40 most common ways we trip ourselves up. Procrastination, envy, guilt, obsessiveness—it’s all in there. Dr. Goulston, who spent years as a psychiatrist and even trained FBI hostage negotiators, knows that most of our problems aren't caused by the world outside. They’re caused by the scripts running in our heads.
The Reality of Self-Sabotage
Most people think self-sabotage is this big, dramatic event. Like blowing a job interview on purpose. But Goulston shows it’s actually quieter than that. It’s the "death by a thousand cuts" version of failure.
Take procrastination. We usually think it’s just laziness. Goulston argues it’s actually a fear of being judged. If you don't finish the project, nobody can tell you it's bad. You’re protecting your ego by failing on your own terms. It’s a warped kind of logic, but our brains love it because it feels safe in the moment.
The get out of your own way book breaks these behaviors down into bite-sized chapters. You don't have to read it front to back. You can just flip to the section on "Envy" when you’re feeling salty about a friend’s promotion, or "Self-Pity" when you’re stuck in a "why me" loop. It’s practical. It’s direct. And it’s often a little bit uncomfortable because it calls you out on your nonsense.
Why Logic Fails Us
Ever wonder why you know exactly what to do, yet you still don't do it?
Goulston explains that the "primitive brain" often hijacks our logical mind. When we’re stressed, we revert to survival mode. In survival mode, we don't care about long-term goals. We just want the discomfort to stop now. That’s why you eat the cake when you’re on a diet or snap at your partner when you’re actually stressed about work.
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The book uses a simple "Usable Insight" and "Action Step" framework for every problem. It acknowledges that knowing the problem is only 10% of the battle. The other 90% is doing the counter-intuitive thing that feels wrong but works.
Breaking Down the 40 Behaviors
It's a lot to take in. Forty behaviors is a huge list. But they basically fall into a few buckets: how we treat ourselves, how we treat others, and how we handle work.
- The Self-Flagellation Trap: This is where guilt and self-blame live. We think being hard on ourselves makes us better people. It doesn't. It just makes us tired and resentful.
- The Comparison Game: Goulston gets real about envy. He notes that we don't usually envy strangers; we envy people just like us who are doing slightly better. It’s a toxic mirror.
- The Control Freak Problem: Trying to control things we can't—like other people's opinions—is a fast track to anxiety.
There’s a section on "Rigidity" that feels especially relevant today. In a world that changes every five minutes, being stuck in your ways isn't a virtue. It’s a liability. Goulston pushes for "flexibility" as the ultimate survival skill. He’s not saying you should be a pushover, just that you shouldn't break because you refuse to bend.
The Hostage Negotiator Mindset
One of the coolest things about this book is Goulston’s background. He didn't just sit in a cozy office listening to people talk about their childhoods. He dealt with high-stakes, life-or-death situations. When he talks about "listening," he means the kind of listening that de-escalates a crisis.
He applies this to self-talk. If you can negotiate with a high-pressure kidnapper, you can probably negotiate with the part of your brain that wants to quit your job because you had one bad meeting. It’s about creating space between the impulse and the action.
Common Misconceptions About Getting Out of Your Way
People often hear the title and think it’s about "hustle culture." They think it means working 20 hours a day and "crushing it."
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Actually, it’s often the opposite.
Getting out of your own way might mean resting when you're tired instead of pushing through and burning out. It might mean admitting you’re wrong instead of defending a losing position to save face. It’s about removing the obstacles you put in your path, which are often the result of trying too hard to look perfect.
A big misconception is that you can "fix" yourself and never sabotage again. Goulston is pretty honest about the fact that these behaviors are part of being human. You don't cure them; you manage them. You learn to spot the "Self-Defeating Behavior" (SDB) as it’s happening and make a different choice. It's a practice, not a destination.
The Role of Philip Goldberg
While Goulston provides the clinical weight, Philip Goldberg’s contribution as a writer shouldn't be overlooked. The prose is clean. It’s accessible. You don't need a PhD in psychology to understand what they’re saying. This is likely why the book has had such long legs—it talks to you like a person, not a patient.
The Practical Path Forward
If you're actually looking to use the get out of your own way book to change something, don't try to fix everything at once. That’s just another form of self-sabotage (overwhelming yourself so you quit).
- Identify your "Top 3": Look through the list of 40 behaviors. Which three are currently ruining your life? Is it procrastination? Perfectionism? The need to be right? Focus only on those.
- Watch for the "Trigger": When do you start the behavior? If it’s procrastination, does it happen when you’re bored or when you’re scared?
- The 60-Second Rule: Goulston often suggests taking a breath before reacting. Just 60 seconds of doing nothing can break the circuit of an impulsive, self-defeating habit.
- Rewrite the Script: Instead of saying "I can't do this," ask "What is the smallest possible step I can take right now?"
The book argues that most of our self-defeating habits were once survival mechanisms. Maybe you became a perfectionist as a kid to get attention. It worked then. It doesn't work now. Recognizing that the behavior is "outdated software" makes it easier to let go of.
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Why It Still Matters in 2026
We live in a world of constant distraction and comparison. Social media is basically a machine designed to trigger the very behaviors Goulston warns about—envy, inadequacy, and the need for external validation.
The get out of your own way book acts as a grounding wire. It reminds us that while the technology changes, the human brain hasn't evolved much in thousands of years. We still have the same fears and the same ways of hiding from them.
Honestly, the most profound insight in the book is that you are responsible for your own misery, which sounds depressing, but it's actually the most empowering thing you can hear. Because if you’re the one getting in your way, you’re also the one who can move.
Moving Beyond the Book
Reading is great, but it’s just a start. The real work happens when you’re in the middle of a conflict or a deadline and you choose to act differently. Goulston’s "Action Steps" are designed to be used in the heat of the moment.
- Stop apologizing for existing. If you struggle with "Overpleasing," notice how many times a day you say "sorry" for things that aren't your fault.
- Own your mistakes immediately. This kills the "Guilt" and "Self-Justification" cycles before they start.
- Ask for help. A huge part of getting out of your own way is realizing you don't have to do everything yourself. Isolation is a prime breeding ground for self-sabotage.
The book doesn't promise a perfect life. It promises a life where you aren't the primary reason things are going wrong. That’s a pretty solid deal.
Actionable Next Steps:
- Pick one specific behavior from the book’s list that you recognize in your daily life—like "need to be right"—and commit to not engaging in it for just 24 hours.
- Keep a "sabotage log" for three days. Write down every time you felt stuck or frustrated and look for the internal "script" that was running at that moment.
- Practice the "Usable Insight" method by asking yourself: "What is the payoff for this bad behavior?" (Usually, it's avoiding a scary feeling). Identify that feeling, and you've already weakened the habit.