You're standing in the kitchen at 2:00 AM, staring into the fridge, wondering why you feel like a fraud even though you just got a promotion. Or maybe you're sitting in a board meeting, nodding along to a strategy you hate, feeling a physical ache in your chest because something feels off. Most of us spend our lives reacting to things. We react to our boss, our partners, and the endless scroll of social media. We feel like we're failing, but we can't quite name what we're failing at. This is where the Brené Brown values list comes in, and honestly, it’s a lot less "woo-woo" than it sounds.
Dr. Brené Brown, a research professor at the University of Houston, has spent over two decades studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy. Her work isn't just about feeling your feelings; it's about the data of human connection. When she talks about values, she isn't talking about those corporate posters in the breakroom that say "Integrity" next to a picture of a mountain. She's talking about your DNA.
The Problem With Having Too Many "Good" Things
Most people fail at value-setting because they try to be everything. You want to be kind, brave, successful, loyal, creative, and fit. Of course you do. Those are all great things. But if you have fifteen priorities, you actually have zero.
Brené’s research is pretty blunt about this: you need to pick two. Just two.
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Why only two? Because when things get hard—and they always do—a long list of values becomes a list of "shoulds." You should be patient, you should be ambitious. But when you’re forced to choose between a job that pays millions and a job that lets you see your kids, "Success" and "Family" are going to go head-to-head. If you haven't identified your North Star, you'll freeze.
The Brené Brown values list is a tool to help you find the two values that are so central to your being that you can’t function without them. They are your "filter." Every decision you make—who you date, how you spend your money, whether you say yes to that extra project—should pass through these two filters.
What’s Actually on the List?
It’s a massive list. We're talking about words like Accountability, Belonging, Curiosity, Faith, Humor, Justice, Power, and Vulnerability. It's exhaustive because human experience is exhaustive.
Some people look at the list and get overwhelmed. They see "Honesty" and think, "Well, I have to pick that, otherwise I'm a liar." That’s not how this works. Choosing "Adventure" over "Honesty" doesn't mean you're going to start robbing banks. It means that when you're faced with a choice between a safe, predictable path and a risky, exciting one, you know which way your soul leans.
Think about a person whose core values are Tradition and Security. Now think about someone whose values are Innovation and Risk-taking. These two people could be best friends, but they are going to live entirely different lives. They will spend their weekends differently. They will invest their money differently. Neither is wrong. They’re just operating from different maps.
How to Use the Brené Brown Values List Without Overthinking It
First, you look at the list. You'll probably find about fifteen words that make you go, "Yeah, that’s me." Circle them. Don't be shy.
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Now, look at those fifteen. Group them. If you circled "Advocacy," "Justice," and "Fairness," those are probably all pointing to the same core pillar. Pick the one that feels the most "heavy" in your gut.
Now comes the hard part. The "Brené Brown way" requires you to cut that list down until you are left with two. This is usually where people start to sweat. You feel like you're betraying parts of yourself. You aren't. You're just clarifying which parts are the engine and which parts are the passengers.
The "Square Squad" and Values in the Wild
Values aren't just for quiet meditation. They are for the "Man in the Arena" moments—that famous Teddy Roosevelt quote Brené loves so much. When you’re being criticized, your values are your armor.
In her book Daring Greatly, she talks about the "Square Squad." This is a tiny piece of paper, about an inch square, where you write the names of the people whose opinions actually matter. These are the people who love you not despite your imperfections, but because of them. Your values should align with the people on that list.
If your core value is Courage, but you refuse to have a difficult conversation with your spouse because you're afraid they'll get mad, you are "out of alignment." That misalignment is where anxiety comes from. It’s that gross, itchy feeling in your skin. When you use the Brené Brown values list to get clear, that itch starts to go away. You realize, "Oh, I'm not anxious because I'm a failure; I'm anxious because I'm valuing 'Comfort' right now, but my core value is actually 'Growth.'"
Integrity: The Bridge Between Words and Action
Brené defines integrity as "choosing courage over comfort; choosing what is right over what is fun, fast, or easy; and practicing your values rather than just professing them."
It’s easy to say your value is Generosity. It’s much harder to be generous when you’re tired, your bank account is low, and someone cuts you off in traffic. The list is a reminder. It’s a contract you sign with yourself.
I remember talking to a guy who picked Joy as one of his two. He was a high-level executive at a tech firm. He realized he hadn't felt joy in three years. He was successful, sure. He was respected. But he was out of alignment. He used that one word—Joy—to completely restructure his life. He quit the firm, started a small woodworking business, and took a 60% pay cut. To most people, he looked crazy. To him, he was finally acting with integrity.
Common Misconceptions About Choosing Values
A lot of people think values stay the same forever. They might. But they might not. The values you had at twenty-two, when you were trying to prove yourself to the world, might be different than the ones you have at forty-five, when you’re trying to raise a family or heal from a loss.
Another mistake? Picking "vulnerability" because you think you're supposed to. Brené is the queen of vulnerability, so people feel pressured to put it on their list. Don't. If your value is Competence, own it. If it's Stability, own it. The only way this works is if you are brutally, uncomfortably honest with yourself.
Walking the Talk: Practical Next Steps
Once you have your two words from the Brené Brown values list, you have to operationalize them. A value that isn't tied to a behavior is just a wish.
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Look at your two values and ask yourself these three questions:
- What are three behaviors that support this value? (e.g., If it's Connection, one behavior might be "Putting my phone away during dinner.")
- What is one "slippery slope" behavior that tells me I'm out of alignment? (e.g., "Checking emails at 11:00 PM.")
- What is an example of a time I chose this value even when it was hard?
Write these down. Put them on a Post-it note on your mirror. Put them in the notes app on your phone.
When you're faced with a tough choice, don't ask "What should I do?" Ask "What does Courage (or whatever your value is) look like in this moment?" The answer is usually much clearer, even if it’s more terrifying.
Living by a set of core values doesn't make life easier. In many ways, it makes it harder because you can no longer ignore the times you're selling yourself out. But it makes life better. It gives you a sense of solid ground. You stop looking for external validation because you have an internal compass. That, according to decades of research, is the secret to "Wholehearted Living."
Actionable Values Integration
To move from theory to practice, take these steps immediately:
- Download or print the full list. You can find the official PDF on Brené Brown's "Dare to Lead" hub.
- The "Gut Check" Test: When you have your final two, say them out loud. "I am a person of [Value 1] and [Value 2]." If it feels like you're wearing someone else's coat, keep digging.
- Audit your calendar. Look at your last seven days. Does your time reflect your two values? If you value Health but spent 80 hours working and 0 hours moving your body, the data says that's not actually your core value right now. That's okay—awareness is the first step toward change.
- Share your two values with one person. Tell a friend, "I'm trying to live more into these two things." This creates a layer of "loving accountability" that makes it harder to slip back into old patterns of people-pleasing or numbing.