You’re scrolling. You’re swiping. Maybe you’re even "dating," if that’s what we’re calling the digital meat market these other apps have become. But be honest—does it feel like anything? Or does it just feel like chores? Byung-Chul Han, a philosopher who basically looks at our modern exhaustion and says, "I told you so," wrote a tiny, punchy book called The Agony of Eros. It’s not a long read. It is, however, a brutal one. Han argues that we are losing the ability to actually love because we’ve become obsessed with ourselves. We’ve turned people into products. We've killed the "Other."
Love is supposed to hurt, at least a little bit. Not in a toxic, "check my phone at 3 AM" way, but in the sense that it requires you to give up a piece of yourself to let someone else in. Han calls this the "asymmetrical" relationship. If everything is equal, smooth, and comfortable, it isn't Eros. It's just a transaction.
The Death of the Other in a "Like" Culture
We live in the era of the Same. Look at your Instagram feed. Look at the people you’re "supposed" to date based on an algorithm that matches your "interests." Everything is designed to reflect you back to you. This is what Han identifies as the primary cause of the agony of Eros. When we only encounter versions of ourselves, Eros—the drive toward the radical, different, and terrifying "Other"—withers away.
Think about the last time you were truly surprised by a person. Not shocked by a "red flag," but genuinely moved by a perspective so different from your own that it changed your internal chemistry. It’s rare, right? That’s because we’ve built a society that prioritizes "at-handness." We want everything to be accessible, consumable, and, most importantly, non-threatening. But Eros is inherently threatening. It’s a takeover. To love someone is to be "dispossessed" of your own ego.
Han writes about how we’ve replaced Eros with pornography. Now, he isn't just talking about X-rated websites. He’s talking about the "pornographic" nature of modern life—the need to put everything on display, to make everything transparent, and to strip away all mystery. When everything is exposed, there is no room for desire. Desire needs a veil. It needs the unknown. By making everything visible and "likeable," we’ve basically neutered our ability to feel deep passion.
Why Burnout and Love are Secretly Connected
It sounds weird to link your work stress to your love life, but Han pulls it off. He talks about the "Achievement Society." We are no longer "subjects"; we are "projects." We’re constantly optimizing. We go to the gym to be better versions of ourselves. We take courses to be more marketable. We even "work" on our relationships like they’re quarterly KPIs.
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This constant self-optimization is the enemy of the agony of Eros. Why? Because Eros requires a leap into the void, and "projects" don't take leaps. Projects calculate risk. When you are constantly focused on your own performance and your own "well-being," you don't have the energy to truly encounter someone else. You’re too tired. You’re burned out from the sheer weight of being you.
- The Ego Trap: You become a "narcissist" in the philosophical sense. Not the TikTok "narcissist" who is mean to you, but the person who literally cannot see outside their own head.
- The Loss of Play: Love used to be a game with stakes. Now it’s a search for a compatible unit.
- The Transparency Myth: We think knowing everything about a partner makes the bond stronger. Han says it actually kills the erotic tension that keeps love alive.
Real love involves a "wound." If you aren't vulnerable enough to be hurt, you aren't in Eros. You're just in a domestic partnership agreement.
The Problem with Modern "Comfort" Dating
Society tells us that pain is bad. We have meds for physical pain, therapy for emotional pain, and "block" buttons for social pain. We want "safe spaces" in our hearts. While safety is great for avoiding trauma, it's a bit of a buzzkill for Eros. The Agony of Eros argues that the "decline of desire" is a direct result of our obsession with comfort and self-preservation.
If you look at the history of love—from the Troubadours to the Romantic poets—love was always linked to death. Not literal suicide (usually), but the death of the autonomous self. You cease to be a "me" and become part of an "us" that you don't fully control. That's terrifying! Most people today aren't willing to pay that price. We want the benefits of companionship without the risk of the "other" actually changing who we are.
Basically, we’ve turned love into a lifestyle choice. It’s an accessory to our personal brand. We choose partners who fit our "aesthetic" and our "values," which sounds healthy until you realize you’ve just hired a co-star for the movie of your life instead of finding a real person to collide with.
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The Myth of Choice
We think having 10,000 options on a screen makes us more likely to find love. It actually does the opposite. When choice is infinite, commitment feels like a loss. You’re always wondering if the next swipe is 5% more compatible. This "commodification" of people is exactly what Han warns about. When people become commodities, they lose their "Otherness." They just become items on a shelf. You don't have Eros for a box of cereal; you just have a preference.
How to Get the Eros Back (Without Losing Your Mind)
So, how do we fix this? How do we escape the "hell of the same"? It starts by acknowledging that the agony of Eros isn't something to be avoided—it’s the point. You have to be willing to be bored, to be confused, and to be challenged by another person.
- Stop optimizing. Stop trying to find the "perfect" match. Look for someone who disrupts you. Someone who makes you feel a little bit uncomfortable because they see the world through a lens you don't recognize.
- Embrace the Mystery. You don't need to know every single thing about your partner's day. Leave some space. Let them be a stranger sometimes. The "transparency" of modern life is a passion-killer.
- Put down the mirror. Shift the focus from "How does this person make me feel about myself?" to "Who is this person, really?"
- Accept the Wound. Understand that if you want the high of Eros, you have to accept the possibility of the agony. There is no "safe" way to love deeply.
Han’s work is a wake-up call for a generation that is "connected" but profoundly lonely. We have more communication than ever, but less actual touch—not just physical touch, but the kind of soul-collision that leaves a mark.
Actionable Steps for a More Erotic Life
The goal isn't to live in constant agony, but to allow for the intensity that Han describes. If you feel like your emotional life has become a flat, gray landscape of "pleasant" interactions and digital pings, try these shifts.
Practice Radical Listening
Next time you’re with someone, stop looking for points of agreement. Look for the gaps. Look for the places where they are fundamentally different from you. Don't try to bridge the gap; just stand on the edge and look at it. Respect the distance.
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Limit Digital Mediation
The screen is a filter that removes the "scent" of the Other. It flattens people into two dimensions. If you’re dating, get off the apps as quickly as possible. Meet in a world where things are messy, the lighting is bad, and you can’t edit your responses.
Reclaim Your Attention
Eros requires a "contemplative" stance. You can't feel desire if you're constantly distracted by a notification. Give someone your undivided, "inefficient" time. Love is one of the few things in life that should be profoundly inefficient.
Understand the Paradox
The "agony" isn't about suffering for the sake of suffering. It’s about the "labor of the negative." Growth happens when we encounter resistance. If your relationship has zero friction, it’s probably because it has zero movement. Embrace the friction as a sign of life.
Byung-Chul Han’s critique is a tough pill to swallow because it suggests that our modern, "free" way of living is actually a prison of the self. But by acknowledging the agony of Eros, we can start to break those bars. We can move away from the "pornographic" exposure of our lives and back toward the beautiful, shadowy, and transformative power of real desire. Turn off the "like" button for a second. Go find something—or someone—that you can't quite categorize. That's where the real magic is hiding.