It hits you at 2:00 AM. You’re scrolling through old photos, maybe a video from a summer trip three years ago, and the contrast is jarring. The way she looked at you then—full of light, undivided attention, and that effortless warmth—feels like a different lifetime compared to the cold "k" texts or the heavy silence during dinner tonight. You find yourself repeating the same painful phrase over and over: she used to love me alot.
Love doesn't usually vanish in a puff of smoke. It erodes. It’s more like a coastline being reclaimed by the sea, inch by inch, until the beach you used to walk on is just underwater.
People think "losing feelings" is a mystery. It isn't. Psychologists like Dr. John Gottman, who spent decades studying the "Love Lab" at the University of Washington, have basically mapped out exactly why this happens. It’s rarely about one big fight. Instead, it’s about the "sliding door moments"—those tiny instances where one person reaches out for connection and the other person turns away. Do that enough times, and the emotional bank account hits zero.
The Anatomy of Emotional Erosion
When you say she used to love me alot, you're acknowledging a peak that has passed. But why does it pass? In the beginning, your brain is literally flooded with dopamine and norepinephrine. It’s a chemical high. Researchers at Rutgers University, led by biological anthropologist Helen Fisher, found that early-stage romantic love looks exactly like a cocaine addiction in an fMRI scan.
But biology is exhausting. The body can't stay in that high-stress, high-reward state forever. Eventually, the "attachment" phase kicks in, powered by oxytocin and vasopressin. This is where the real work happens. If the transition from "addiction" to "attachment" fumbles, the feeling of being loved starts to evaporate.
Often, it’s the "Negative Sentiment Override." This is a psychological state where a partner starts to see everything you do through a dark lens. If you’re late for dinner, it’s not because of traffic; it’s because you don't respect her. Once a woman enters this headspace, the "alot" part of the love starts to shrink. She's protecting herself. She’s withdrawing her investment because the ROI—emotional safety and appreciation—isn't there anymore.
The Silent Killer: Lack of Responding to Bids
Think back. How many times did she point at a bird outside, or mention a weird dream, or ask if you liked her new shirt, and you barely looked up from your phone?
📖 Related: The Betta Fish in Vase with Plant Setup: Why Your Fish Is Probably Miserable
Gottman calls these "bids" for connection. In his research, couples who stayed together turned toward each other's bids 86% of the time. Those who ended up in the "she used to love me" territory? They only turned toward each other 33% of the time. It sounds small. It’s actually everything. When she stops bidding, she’s stopped trying. That’s the silence you’re hearing now.
Why "Alot" Becomes "Not At All"
The word "alot" is heavy. It implies an abundance that felt infinite. When that abundance disappears, the vacuum it leaves behind is physically painful. This is because social rejection activates the same regions of the brain as physical pain—specifically the secondary somatosensory cortex and the dorsal posterior insula. When you feel like the love is gone, your brain is processing it like a broken leg.
There are usually three main culprits for this shift:
- The Burden of Emotional Labor: In many relationships, one person (often the woman) carries the "mental load." If she’s the one planning the dates, remembering the birthdays, managing the household's emotional temperature, and noticing when the milk is out, she gets burnt out. Resentment is the ultimate romance killer. You can’t feel "alot" of love when you feel like a manager instead of a partner.
- The Loss of the "Friendship Base": Many men focus on the romantic or sexual side of the relationship and let the friendship rot. But if you aren't her best friend, who is she supposed to talk to when things get hard? If she’s going to someone else first with her good news or her bad news, the emotional intimacy has already moved house.
- Chronic Stress and Cortisol: High stress kills libido and affection. If life got hard—money issues, health scares, family drama—and the relationship became another source of stress instead of a sanctuary, the brain naturally tries to distance itself from the source of pain.
It's Not Always Your Fault (But It's Often Your Responsibility)
Sometimes, the "fade" happens because of internal shifts she’s going through. People change. The version of her that loved you at 21 might not exist at 28. If her values, goals, or needs have evolved and the relationship stayed static, she’s going to feel trapped.
However, we have to be honest. A lot of guys "stop courting" once they "win" the relationship. They stop asking questions. They stop being curious. If you stopped being the man she fell in love with, you can't really be surprised that the love she felt for that man started to dim.
Can You Get Back to the "Alot" Phase?
It depends. Honestly.
👉 See also: Why the Siege of Vienna 1683 Still Echoes in European History Today
If the contempt has set in, it’s incredibly hard to move back. Contempt is the greatest predictor of divorce and breakup. It’s that look of disgust or the eye-roll when you speak. If you see that, the hill is very steep.
But if it’s just "distance" or "apathy," there is a path. It requires a total overhaul of how you interact. You can’t just buy flowers and expect the 2019 feelings to come rushing back. You have to rebuild the "Love Map"—a term for really knowing the details of your partner's life. What is she stressed about this week? What are her current dreams? Most people think they know their partner, but they actually only know a version of them from three years ago.
The Power of Small Things
Real change doesn't happen in "Grand Gestures." It happens in the 10-second hug. It happens in putting the phone down when she walks into the room. It happens in saying "I appreciate how hard you work" and actually meaning it.
You have to prove that it’s safe for her to love you "alot" again. Emotional safety is the foundation. If she feels judged, ignored, or taken for granted, her heart is going to stay closed. It’s a survival mechanism.
Actionable Steps to Address the Shift
If you are currently sitting in the wreckage of she used to love me alot, here is how you actually move forward. Don't do these as a "tactic" to manipulate her. Do them because you actually want to be a better partner.
1. Audit Your Listening
For the next 48 hours, don't interrupt her once. Don't offer solutions unless she asks for one. Just listen and validate. If she says she’s tired, don't say "Me too." Say, "I’m sorry, it’s been a long week, hasn't it?" This is "turning toward" a bid.
✨ Don't miss: Why the Blue Jordan 13 Retro Still Dominates the Streets
2. Take Over a Mental Task
Find something she does every week that she hates doing—the grocery list, the vet appointments, the mental planning for the weekend—and just do it. Don't ask for praise. Just remove the friction from her life. Reducing her cortisol levels makes room for oxytocin to return.
3. Ask "High-Level" Questions
Move past "How was your day?" Try questions that require vulnerability. "What's something you've been thinking about lately that you haven't told me?" or "Is there anything I've been doing lately that makes you feel unsupported?" Be prepared for the answer to hurt. Don't get defensive.
4. Re-Establish Physical Touch (Without Expectations)
A huge reason women withdraw is because every time their partner touches them, they think it’s a lead-up to sex. If she’s feeling disconnected, that pressure feels like a chore. Start giving non-sexual touch—a hand on the shoulder, a long hug, holding hands while walking—with zero expectation of it going further. This rebuilds the "safety" of your physical presence.
5. Own Your Part
If you’ve been distant, lazy, or dismissive, admit it. A genuine, specific apology can do more than a thousand gifts. "I realized I haven't been really 'present' for you lately, and I’m sorry I let our connection slip" is a powerful starting point.
The goal isn't to "fix" her. It’s to fix the environment of the relationship. When the environment is healthy, love has a chance to grow back. It might not look exactly like it did before—it might be less "infatuation" and more "deep, weathered partnership"—but that’s often more durable anyway.
If the love is truly gone and she has moved on, the next step is radical acceptance. You cannot force a feeling. You can only be a person worth loving and see if she chooses to stay. If she doesn't, you take these lessons into the next chapter so you never find yourself saying "she used to love me" ever again.