We’re lonely. It’s a weird thing to admit, especially in an age where we are constantly "connected," but the data is pretty grim. According to the U.S. Surgeon General’s 2023 Advisory on the Healing Effects of Social Connection and Community, about half of U.S. adults report experiencing measurable levels of loneliness. That’s a massive number. We spend all day scrolling past photos of people we used to know, yet we rarely reach out to say anything meaningful. We just assume people know we like them.
But they don’t.
Most of us treat our friendships like a subscription service we forgot to cancel—we just expect it to keep running in the background without any maintenance. Then we wonder why, at age 35, we feel like we have nobody to call when things get heavy. The simplest fix? Actually saying thanks for being our friend out loud. Or in a text. Or even a dumb meme.
It sounds cheesy. It feels vulnerable. It might even feel a little "extra," as the kids say. But if you look at the science of social reciprocity, that small acknowledgment is the glue that keeps adult relationships from dissolving into the ether.
The Science Behind "The Reach Out"
Why does it feel so awkward to send a "thanks for being our friend" message? There’s a psychological phenomenon called the "liking gap." Research published in Psychological Science suggests that people consistently underestimate how much their conversation partners like them and enjoy their company. We walk away from lunch thinking, "Man, I hope I wasn't too annoying," while the other person is thinking the exact same thing about themselves.
When you break that cycle with a genuine expression of gratitude, you’re not just being nice. You’re providing psychological safety. You’re telling the other person that the "social debt" is paid and the connection is secure.
Dr. Peggy Liu at the University of Pittsburgh led a study in 2022 that found people significantly underestimate how much a "casual reach out" is appreciated. We think it’s weird to text someone out of the blue. We think they’re too busy. We think they’ll think we want something. The reality? People are almost always thrilled to be seen. The simple act of saying thanks for being our friend—especially to a couple you hang out with or a group that has stuck by you—acts as a massive hit of dopamine for the recipient.
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It’s Not Just for Sentimental Types
Look, I get it. Not everyone is a "hugger." Some people show love by sending 15 TikToks a day or by helping you move a couch. But verbal or written validation is a different beast. In the world of "adulting," friendships are the first thing to go. Work gets busy. Kids happen. You move to a different zip code.
Suddenly, that person you used to see every Tuesday is someone you "should grab a drink with" once every eight months.
When you finally do see them, saying thanks for being our friend acknowledges the effort it took to stay in each other's orbits. It’s an acknowledgment of the shared history. Friendships in adulthood are entirely voluntary. Unlike family (who you’re stuck with) or coworkers (who you’re paid to be around), friends are the only people who are there because they actually want to be.
Treating that choice with a bit of reverence isn't weak. It’s smart.
How to Say It Without Being Cringe
If you’re worried about sounding like a Hallmark card, don’t overthink it. You don't need a five-paragraph essay. The best "thank yous" are specific and timely.
- The "After the Event" Text: Instead of just "Home now," try "Hey, thanks for being our friend and hosting that dinner. We really needed the laugh."
- The "Random Memory" Pull: "Saw this and thought of that trip to the lake. Seriously, thanks for being our friend all these years, you guys are the best."
- The "Low Stakes" Acknowledgement: Sometimes, just a "Glad we're friends" after a long phone call does the trick.
Specificity matters. If you tell someone "thanks for being our friend," follow it up with a why. Is it because they listen without judging? Is it because they have the best taste in movies? Is it because they showed up with coffee when your dog died? That specific detail is what makes it feel human and less like a template.
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The Evolutionary Necessity of Keeping Your Circle Close
We aren't meant to do this alone. Human beings evolved in small tribes where social exclusion was basically a death sentence. While being "unfriended" in 2026 won't literally result in a saber-toothed tiger eating you, your brain still reacts to social isolation with the same stress response as physical pain.
Neurobiologist Naomi Eisenberger at UCLA has done fascinating work using fMRI scans to show that social rejection activates the same regions of the brain as physical injury. By extension, social affirmation—like hearing a sincere thanks for being our friend—acts as a nervous system regulator. It lowers cortisol. It makes the world feel a little less threatening.
When you express gratitude to your circle, you are reinforcing your own support system. You’re making it more likely that they will be there when you need them, not because you’ve "bought" their loyalty, but because you’ve nurtured a culture of appreciation.
Why Modern Friendships Are Brittle
Social media has lied to us. It convinced us that "liking" a photo is the same thing as maintaining a relationship. It isn't. Robin Dunbar, the famed evolutionary psychologist, proposed "Dunbar’s Number," suggesting humans can only maintain about 150 stable social relationships. But within that 150, there are layers. You have your "inner circle" of about 5 people, and a "sympathy group" of about 15.
Most people today have plenty of "acquaintances" but a thinning inner circle. We’ve become "efficient" with our time, which is the enemy of friendship. Friendship is inherently inefficient. It requires long, rambling conversations and "doing nothing" together.
When you take a second to say thanks for being our friend, you are pushing back against the transactional nature of modern life. You’re saying, "This relationship has value outside of what you can do for me." That is a rare and powerful thing to hear.
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Putting Gratitude Into Practice
Don't wait for a birthday. Don't wait for a wedding toast or a funeral. The best time to acknowledge the people in your life is when things are "normal." That’s when it means the most because it isn't prompted by a calendar notification.
Here is a simple way to start: Think of one person or one couple you haven't seen in a month but you genuinely enjoy. Send them a message today. Don't ask for a favor. Don't try to schedule a meeting (unless you want to). Just tell them you were thinking about them and say thanks for being our friend.
It takes ten seconds. The impact lasts way longer.
Actionable Steps for Strengthening Your Circle
- Audit your "Inner Five": Who are the people who actually show up? Make it a point to express gratitude to them specifically this week. Proximity doesn't always equal intimacy; make sure the people you value know they are valued.
- Use "Old School" Mediums: A handwritten note or a physical postcard carries 10x the emotional weight of a DM. If someone has really gone above and beyond, mail them something. It’s $0.60 for a stamp to change someone’s entire week.
- Be the "Instigator": Most people are waiting to be invited. They’re waiting for someone else to say the nice thing first. Be the person who starts the cycle of gratitude.
- Accept the Gratitude Too: When someone says "thanks for being our friend" to you, don't deflect it with "Oh, it's nothing" or "No worries." Just say, "I really value you guys too." Own the connection.
Friendship is a radical act in a world that tries to keep us isolated and angry. Cultivate it. Protect it. And for heaven's sake, tell your people you're glad they're around.
Actionable Insight: Reach out to one person today with a specific memory of a time they supported you. Use the phrase "thanks for being our friend" or a variation that fits your voice. This small act of "social grooming" is the most effective way to prevent the natural drift that happens in adult relationships.