It’s a specific kind of heavy. You wake up, and for about three seconds, everything is fine. Then the memory of them hits your chest like a physical weight. Honestly, sad loving someone you can't have isn't just a romantic trope for movies; it’s a neurobiological loop that can keep your brain stuck in a cycle of longing for years if you aren't careful.
Most people call it "unrequited love" and leave it at that. But that's way too simple. It doesn’t capture the way your heart feels like it’s being squeezed when you see their name on a screen. It doesn't explain why you'd rather have the pain of their absence than the numbness of moving on.
We’ve all been there. Maybe it’s a friend who doesn’t see you that way. Maybe it’s someone who’s already married, or an ex who has fundamentally changed into a stranger. Whatever the flavor, the bitterness is the same. It’s the mourning of a future that hasn’t happened yet—and likely never will.
The Science Behind the Ache
Why does it hurt so much? It’s not just "all in your head." Well, it is, but in a very literal, chemical way.
When we fall for someone, our brains are flooded with dopamine and oxytocin. It’s a literal high. When that love is stymied—when you realize they are unattainable—the brain doesn't just shut off the faucet. Instead, the reward system stays active, but the reward never comes.
Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist who has spent decades studying the brain in love, found through fMRI scans that people experiencing rejection show activity in the same brain regions associated with physical pain and addiction cravings. You are quite literally "withdrawing" from a person.
The Dopamine Trap
Think of it like a slot machine. If the machine never paid out, you’d walk away pretty quickly. But if the person you want gives you a "maybe," or a kind word, or a lingering look, it’s like the machine occasionally flashing lights. It keeps you pulling the lever. This intermittent reinforcement is the strongest psychological motivator known to man. It makes sad loving someone you can't have feel like a permanent state of being rather than a passing phase.
Why We Stay Stuck in the "Longing" Phase
It’s actually kinda comfortable in a weird, masochistic way.
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If you keep loving someone you can't have, you don't have to risk the vulnerability of a real, messy relationship with someone who is available. Real relationships involve laundry, arguments about dishes, and the risk of being truly known and then rejected. Loving a phantom? That’s safe. You can project whatever perfections you want onto them.
Psychologists often refer to this as "limerence," a term coined by Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s. Limerence is that obsessive, intrusive state of mind where you are constantly analyzing the other person's actions for "signs."
Did they mean something when they liked my post? Why did they use that specific emoji?
It's exhausting. It’s a full-time job that pays zero dollars and ruins your sleep.
The Different "Types" of Unattainable Love
Not all "can't have" situations are created equal.
- The Right Person, Wrong Time: This is the one that fuels the most regret. Maybe one of you is moving. Maybe one of you is in a dark place mentally. It feels like a cosmic joke.
- The "Friendzone" Paradox: You know them too well. You’re the person they call when they’re crying about someone else. It’s a slow-burn torture.
- The Fundamental Mismatch: You want kids; they don't. You want to live in a van; they want a law firm partnership. You love them, but the life they offer is a cage.
- The Ghost of an Ex: You’re still in love with who they were, even though who they are now is someone you don't even like.
Each of these requires a different kind of "letting go," but they all start with the same painful realization: Love is not a debt. Just because you give it doesn't mean the other person owes it back to you.
How to Stop Romancing Your Own Sadness
We tend to romanticize the "pining" lover. We see it in literature—Jay Gatsby lived his whole life for a green light he could never reach. But in real life? Gatsby was miserable.
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If you find yourself deep in the pit of sad loving someone you can't have, the first step is to stop "feeding the beast." Every time you check their Instagram, you are hitting that dopamine lever. You are resetting the clock on your recovery.
You have to go cold turkey. No, you don't have to block them (unless it’s toxic), but you do need to mute them. Out of sight really does lead to out of mind, eventually.
The Grief Comparison
You have to treat this like a death. Because it is. It’s the death of a hope. You need to go through the stages: denial (maybe they’ll change their mind!), anger (how could they not see how great we’d be?), bargaining (if I just lose ten pounds or get a better job...), depression, and finally, acceptance.
Acceptance doesn’t mean you stop loving them. It just means you stop trying to change the reality of the situation. You accept that the love exists, but it has nowhere to go. It’s like a letter with no address. You can keep the letter, but you have to stop trying to mail it.
The "Soulmate" Myth
Part of what makes this so hard is the cultural obsession with "The One."
If you believe there is only one person for you, and that person is someone you can't have, then your life is effectively over. That’s a terrifying way to live.
The reality is that "soulmates" are made, not found. You can have a "soulmate" connection with many people throughout your life, provided both parties are willing to do the work. The person you can't have isn't "The One"—because "The One" is, by definition, the person who chooses you back.
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Actionable Steps for Moving Forward
If you're tired of feeling like you're drowning in this longing, here is how you actually start swimming again:
Audit your "Inner Cinema"
Stop playing the highlight reel of what could have been. When you find yourself imagining a cozy Sunday morning with them, force yourself to imagine something realistic. Imagine them being grumpy because they haven't had coffee, or imagine the specific character flaws they have that would eventually annoy you. De-pedestal them.
Write the "Truth Letter"
Write a letter to them. Say everything. All the hurt, all the "it’s not fair," all the love. Then, burn it. Do not send it. The goal is catharsis, not a conversation.
Change Your Environment
Neuroscience shows that new experiences create new neural pathways. If you spent all your time with this person at a specific coffee shop, stop going there. Go to a new part of town. Join a kickball league. Learn how to bake sourdough. Give your brain something else to process besides the "missing" person.
Invest in "Lateral" Love
We get so focused on romantic love that we neglect the other kinds. Lean into your friends. Hang out with your siblings. Adopt a dog that thinks you’re the greatest thing since sliced bread. Remind your nervous system what it feels like to be appreciated and safe.
Set a "Mourning Timer"
If you need to cry, cry. But don't let it bleed into your whole day. Give yourself 20 minutes a day to be absolutely miserable about them. When the timer goes off, you have to do something productive or social.
The Reality of the "Permanent" Scar
Will it ever fully go away? Honestly, maybe not. Some loves leave a mark. You might be 50 years old and hear a certain song and think of them for a fleeting second.
But there’s a massive difference between a scar and an open wound. A scar is just a part of your history. It doesn't hurt when you touch it. An open wound keeps you from living your life.
The goal isn't to forget they existed. The goal is to reach a point where you can wish them well—sincerely—and then go back to enjoying your own life. Because you only get one of those, and it’s a shame to spend the whole thing waiting for someone who isn't coming.
Immediate Next Steps
- Mute their social media profiles today. Not tomorrow. Right now.
- Identify one "trigger" location or activity you associate with them and commit to avoiding it for 30 days.
- Write down three things you want to accomplish this year that have absolutely nothing to do with your relationship status.
- Reach out to a friend you’ve neglected while you were busy pining and ask them to grab dinner.