Ever get that weird, prickly feeling in your chest when you realize someone just gets it? Not just in a "yeah, I hear you" way, but in a bone-deep, lived-in sense? That is the gravitational pull of One of Her Own.
It’s a phrase that carries a ridiculous amount of weight. Honestly, it’s about belonging. It’s that invisible thread connecting a woman to a community, a mentor, or a legacy where she doesn't have to explain her presence. You see it in corporate boardrooms, in the gritty reality of sports, and definitely in the messy world of creative arts.
But here is the thing: the concept is changing. Fast. What it meant to be One of Her Own in 1990 is a universe away from what it looks like in 2026.
The psychology of the inner circle
We are social animals. Hardwired for it. When a woman identifies another as One of Her Own, it’s a survival mechanism as much as it is a social one.
Psychologists call it "in-group favoritism," but that sounds too clinical for what’s actually happening. It’s more like a sigh of relief. Think about the first time a female junior architect walks onto a male-dominated construction site and sees a female foreman. There is an immediate, unspoken data transfer.
It’s about shared obstacles.
When you share an identity, you often share a specific set of hurdles that people outside that circle simply don't see. Or they see them as "excuses." But within the circle? They are just facts of life. This creates a shorthand. You don't have to translate your experiences.
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Why the old "Queen Bee" trope is dying
For a long time, there was this toxic idea that there was only room for one woman at the top. The "Queen Bee" syndrome. The idea was that if she found One of Her Own climbing the ladder behind her, she’d kick it away.
That’s mostly garbage now.
Studies from the Harvard Business Review and various sociological surveys have shown that women in leadership are increasingly focused on sponsorship rather than just mentorship. There is a difference. A mentor talks to you; a sponsor talks about you in rooms you haven't entered yet.
Modern networking has flipped the script. We’re seeing "amplification circles." This started famously with female staffers in the Obama administration. When one woman made a point in a meeting, another would repeat it and give her credit. It forced the room to acknowledge the contribution.
That is One of Her Own in action.
It's tactical. It's smart. It's how power actually gets redistributed.
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The digital shift and the "Niche Neighborhood"
The internet changed the geography of belonging. You used to be limited by who was in your physical building. Now? You can find One of Her Own in a Discord server dedicated to female indie game devs or a private Facebook group for mothers of children with rare genetic conditions.
The stakes are different online.
In these digital spaces, the "ownness" is hyper-specific. It isn't just about being a woman. It’s about being a woman who codes in Rust. Or a woman who runs ultra-marathons while managing Type 1 diabetes. The narrower the niche, the stronger the bond.
But there’s a flip side.
Digital communities can sometimes become echo chambers. When we only look for One of Her Own, we might accidentally shut out perspectives that could actually help us grow. Nuance is king here. You need the comfort of the circle, but you also need the friction of the outside world to keep your edge.
Recognizing the "Fake Belonging"
We have to talk about the corporate co-opting of this feeling. Brands love to use the "One of Us" vibe to sell everything from sneakers to software.
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It’s often called "pinkwashing" or just lazy marketing.
You’ve seen the ads. Slow-motion shots of diverse women laughing over salads or high-fiving in a generic office. It feels hollow because it is. True belonging—being One of Her Own—isn't something a brand can give you. It’s earned through shared struggle and genuine consistency.
If a company says they support "their own" but has a 40% pay gap, the math doesn't add up. Real recognition happens in the payroll and the promotion cycles, not the Instagram captions.
How to build your own circle
So, how do you actually find this? It’s not about waiting to be picked. It’s about being the person who does the picking.
First, stop looking for a carbon copy of yourself. Someone can be One of Her Own even if they have a completely different background, as long as your core values align. Look for the "stretch" in the relationship.
Second, be loud about your wins and even louder about your failures. Vulnerability is the fastest way to signal to others that you are part of their tribe. When you admit you’re struggling with burnout or a specific technical challenge, you give someone else permission to say, "Me too."
That "me too" is the foundation of everything.
Actionable steps for the real world
- Audit your "inner five." Look at the people you spend the most time with. Do they make you feel like you have to perform, or do they treat you like One of Her Own? If it’s the former, start shifting your energy.
- The 2-Minute Rule. When you see a woman doing something impressive, take two minutes to send a specific, private note of appreciation. Not a public comment—a direct message. It builds a different kind of bridge.
- Create a "No-Fly Zone." Identify the spaces where you feel most judged. Limit your time there. Shift that time into spaces where your identity is an asset, not something you have to navigate around.
- Mentor "Down" and "Across." Everyone looks for a mentor who is twenty years older. Try finding someone who is at your level but in a different department. You’ll find that being One of Her Own across disciplines is incredibly powerful for career longevity.
The reality is that One of Her Own isn't a static title. It’s a verb. It’s something you do every time you advocate for a peer, share a resource, or simply hold the door open—metaphorically or literally—for the person coming up behind you. It’s about making the path a little less lonely for the next person who looks like you, thinks like you, or dreams like you.