We’re lonely. It’s a weird thing to say in a world where you can DM someone across the globe in three seconds, but the data is pretty grim. The U.S. Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek Murthy, has been shouting from the rooftops about an epidemic of isolation that’s literally as bad for your heart as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. We focus a lot on making new friends or networking for our careers, but we often overlook the massive, untapped value of our old ties and companions.
These are the people who knew you before you had a "personal brand." They remember your awkward phase in middle school or that terrible first job you had in your early twenties. Honestly, those connections matter way more than we give them credit for.
Reaching out feels risky. It’s awkward. You worry they won’t care. But the science of "social snacking" and dormant ties suggests that picking up the phone might be the smartest health move you make this year.
The Psychological Weight of Dormant Ties
In sociology, we talk about "dormant ties." These are people you were once close with but haven't spoken to in years. Think of a college roommate or a former coworker you used to grab lunch with every single day.
Research from the MIT Sloan Management Review has shown that these old ties and companions are actually more valuable for problem-solving than your current inner circle. Why? Because your current friends usually know the same people and have the same information you do. Your old companions have spent years in different circles. They bring "redundant-free" information. They offer a fresh perspective rooted in a deep, historical understanding of who you are.
It’s about trust.
You don't have to spend months building a foundation with someone who already knows your family history or your deepest fears from ten years ago. The "trust equity" is already in the bank. You’re just letting it sit there, gathering dust.
What We Get Wrong About Reaching Out
Most of us suffer from a "liking gap." We assume people don't want to hear from us. We think they'll find a random text annoying or intrusive.
Actually, a 2022 study published by the American Psychological Association (APA) found that people significantly underestimate how much others appreciate being reached out to. The lead researcher, Peggy Liu of the University of Pittsburgh, noted that the "surprise element" of a check-in makes it even more meaningful to the receiver.
Essentially, the more unexpected the message, the higher the appreciation.
If you’re sitting there thinking, "It’s been five years, it’s too late," you're wrong. It’s almost never too late. Unless the relationship ended in a toxic explosion, most people are just as nostalgic and lonely as you are. They’re just waiting for someone else to go first.
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The Biology of Shared History
There is a specific neurobiology to nostalgia. When we engage with old ties and companions, our brains activate the reward system. Specifically, the ventral striatum.
This isn't just "nice." It’s a buffer against stress.
Oxytocin, often called the "bonding hormone," spikes when we interact with people we have long-term history with. This hormone downregulates cortisol. It lowers your heart rate. It makes the world feel slightly less threatening. When you talk to someone who knew your "old self," it provides a sense of continuity in your life narrative.
Psychologists call this "self-continuity." It’s the feeling that you are the same person today as you were twenty years ago, despite all the changes. Without it, we feel fragmented. Lost.
Why We Let These Relationships Fade
Life is fast. You move for a job. You have kids. You get married. Or you just get tired.
Maintaining old ties and companions takes cognitive energy that we often don't have at the end of a 40-hour workweek. We fall into the "proximity trap," where we only hang out with people who are physically near us—parents at the school gate, current coworkers, or neighbors.
While proximity is great for convenience, it’s often shallow.
The Harvard Study of Adult Development—the longest-running study on human happiness—has followed participants for over 80 years. The clear winner for a long, healthy life isn't money or fame. It’s the quality of your relationships. Specifically, the depth of those relationships.
Old companions offer depth because they've seen you fail. They've seen you at your worst and they liked you anyway. That kind of security is rare in the "curated" world of social media where everyone is pretending to be perfect.
Navigating the "Awkward" Phase of Reconnecting
So, how do you actually do it?
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You don't need a three-page letter. You don't need a grand apology for being out of touch. In fact, keeping it low-pressure is better.
- The "I Saw This and Thought of You" Method: Send a photo of a shared memory or a link to a song you both liked. It provides a natural "hook" for the conversation.
- The Radical Honesty Approach: "Hey, I was just thinking about our time at [Company/School] and realized it's been way too long. Hope you're doing well."
- The No-Response-Required Out: "No need to reply to this, just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you!" This removes the "social debt" from the other person.
If they don't respond? That’s okay. They might be in a season of life where they truly don't have the capacity. It’s rarely a reflection of how they feel about you.
Different Types of Companions
Not all old ties are the same. You have your "historical mirrors"—people who reflect your past back to you. Then you have "growth companions"—people you’ve evolved with, even if from a distance.
Recognizing which is which helps manage expectations.
Some old friends are meant to stay in the past, and that’s fine. If the relationship was centered around a version of you that you no longer like (or a habit you've quit, like heavy drinking), reconnecting might actually be counterproductive. You want to reach out to the people who made you feel like the best version of yourself.
The Digital Paradox
Social media is the graveyard of old ties and companions.
We think we’re "in touch" because we see their Instagram stories. We aren't. Passive scrolling is the opposite of connection. It actually increases feelings of envy and isolation.
To turn a "digital tie" back into a real one, you have to move the conversation off the feed. Send a text. Arrange a 15-minute FaceTime. Meet for coffee if you’re in the same city. The medium is the message; showing that you’re willing to spend actual time (even digital time) proves the relationship has value.
Impact on Career and Longevity
It’s not just about feelings. In the business world, dormant ties are often the source of new opportunities. Mark Granovetter’s famous study on "The Strength of Weak Ties" proved that most people find jobs through "weak" acquaintances rather than close friends.
Old companions are the ultimate weak ties.
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They have access to different networks. They know about openings you’d never hear of. But more importantly, they can vouch for your character in a way a LinkedIn endorsement never can.
Actionable Steps to Revive Your Social Circle
Rebuilding your connection to old ties and companions is a practice, not a one-time event. It requires a bit of strategy and a lot of humility.
Audit your contact list. Scroll through your phone or your old emails. Identify three people who made a positive impact on your life but whom you haven't spoken to in over two years.
Send the "Micro-Reach-Out." Don't ask for anything. Just share a memory. "Hey, I was just thinking about that time we got stuck in the snow. Hope your family is doing great."
Schedule a "Sync." If the vibe is right, suggest a low-stakes catch-up. A phone call during a commute is often better than a formal dinner because it has a natural end time.
Let go of the guilt. Stop apologizing for the silence. The silence is a natural part of being an adult. Moving past the "sorry I've been MIA" talk allows you to get to the meaningful stuff faster.
Verify the current reality. People change. The person you knew at 22 isn't the person they are at 35. Approach the conversation with curiosity rather than assumptions. Ask what they’re passionate about now, not just what they used to do.
Reviving these connections isn't just a trip down memory lane. It’s a way to anchor yourself in a world that is constantly changing. Your old companions are the witnesses to your life. They provide the context that makes your current success—and your current struggles—meaningful.
Start by sending one text today. Just one. You'll be surprised at how much it changes your internal weather.
Practical Roadmap for Reconnecting
- Week 1: Identify 5 dormant ties. Do not overthink this.
- Week 2: Send 2 short, "no-pressure" messages. Focus on shared memories.
- Week 3: Follow up on any responses with a request for a 10-minute phone call or a brief life update.
- Week 4: Assess how you feel. Usually, the "social snack" provides a mood boost that lasts for days.
Don't wait for a milestone like a birthday or a holiday. The best time to reach out is on a random Tuesday when nothing special is happening. That's when it matters most.