Chris Voss didn't learn how to talk people into things in a boardroom or a fancy MBA seminar. He learned it while staring at a telephone, sweating, knowing that if he tripped over his words, someone in a bank vault or a hijacked plane might actually die. That’s the high-stakes reality behind Never Split the Difference, a book that basically took the old-school, academic way of negotiating and threw it out the window.
Most people think negotiation is a game of "you give a little, I give a little." We’re taught to meet in the middle. But Voss, a former lead international kidnapping negotiator for the FBI, argues that splitting the difference is usually a disaster. Think about it. If a kidnapper has four hostages and you "split the difference," you’re okay with two of them dying? Of course not. That’s the extreme version, but the logic applies to your salary, your rent, or even whose turn it is to do the dishes.
The Myth of the Rational Human
We like to think we're logical. We aren't. Not even close.
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Standard negotiation tactics—the stuff you used to hear from Harvard professors back in the day—focused on "Getting to Yes." They assumed that if you laid out the facts and showed someone a win-win scenario, they’d take it. But humans are messy, emotional, and driven by fear. Never Split the Difference is built on the idea of Tactical Empathy. It’s not about being nice. It’s about understanding the other person’s perspective so well that you can use it to get what you want.
Honestly, the most powerful tool in the book is one of the simplest: Mirroring.
You just repeat the last three words (or the critical one to three words) of what the other person just said. That's it. You say it with a curious tone. If your boss says, "We just don't have the budget for a raise right now," you wait a second and say, "The budget for a raise?" Then you shut up. Silence is your best friend here. Nine times out of ten, they’ll start talking to fill the gap, and they’ll give you more information than they ever intended to.
The Power of "No"
Most sales training tells you to get the "Yes." Voss says that’s a trap.
People feel pushed when they have to say yes. It feels like a commitment, a cage. But when someone says "No," they feel safe. They feel in control. Voss suggests actually aiming for a no. Instead of asking "Is this a good time to talk?" (which makes people want to say no anyway), try asking "Is now a bad time to talk?"
If they say "No," they’ve technically given you permission to keep going, and they feel like they’re the ones who made the call. It’s a psychological trick that lowers their guard instantly.
Labeling the Elephant in the Room
Ever been in a meeting where everyone knows something is wrong but nobody says it? Voss calls this "Labeling." You identify an emotion or a dynamic and you call it out. But you do it subtly. You don't say "I know you're angry." That's too direct and makes people defensive.
Instead, you use phrases like:
- "It seems like you're worried about the timeline."
- "It sounds like there's a lot of pressure on this project."
- "It looks like you feel this offer is unfair."
By labeling the negative emotion, you actually de-escalate it. Brain scans show that when people label an emotion, the activity in the amygdala (the fear center) drops. You're literally hacking their biology to make them more reasonable. It’s kinda wild when you see it work in real life.
Beware of "You're Right"
This is a huge one. In Never Split the Difference, Voss warns that "You're right" is the kiss of death.
When someone says "You're right," they usually just want you to go away. They’ve stopped listening. They're placating you. What you actually want to hear is "That's right."
"That's right" happens when the other person feels truly understood. It’s what happens after you’ve mirrored and labeled their position so effectively that they feel you’re on their side. When you reach "That's right," the barriers crumble. The negotiation actually begins there.
The "How" is Just as Important as the "What"
You’ve probably heard of the 7-38-55 rule. It’s a classic study by Albert Mehrabian, often cited in business circles. It suggests that only 7% of a message is based on words, while 38% comes from tone of voice and 55% from body language. Voss leans heavily into this.
He talks about the "Late-Night DJ Voice." It’s deep, calm, and slow. You use it when you need to project authority without being aggressive. If you're shouting, you've already lost. If you're high-pitched and frantic, you look weak. Finding that downward inflecting, calm tone can change the entire energy of a room.
And then there's the "How" question.
Voss hates "Why." Why sounds like an accusation. "Why did you do that?" sounds like a parent scolding a child. Instead, use "How" and "What."
- "How am I supposed to do that?"
- "What is it that brought us to this point?"
The "How am I supposed to do that?" is the ultimate "No" without saying the word. It forces the other person to solve your problem for you. If a vendor gives you a price that's way too high, you don't haggle immediately. You just look at the quote and say, in your best DJ voice, "How am I supposed to do that?" Often, they’ll actually come back with a better offer because they start looking for ways to make it work for you.
Black Swans and the Unknown
The title of the book’s final chapter refers to "Black Swans." These are the pieces of information you don't know that you don't know.
In every negotiation, there are hidden leverage points. Maybe the person across from you is about to get fired if they don't close this deal by Friday. Maybe they have a personal grudge against your competitor. Maybe they’re just hungry and tired.
You find Black Swans by listening more than you talk. Voss suggests that in any negotiation, there should be at least three people on your side if possible: one to talk, one to listen to the subtext, and one to observe the room. Since most of us aren't the FBI, we have to do all three at once. It’s exhausting, but it’s how you find the leverage that actually moves the needle.
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The Ackerman Model: The Math of Hagglings
While most of Never Split the Difference is about psychology, Voss does give a concrete system for price negotiations called the Ackerman Model. It’s a six-step process for offer-making:
- Set your target price (your goal).
- Set your first offer at 65% of your target.
- Calculate three raises of decreasing increments (85%, 95%, and finally 100%).
- Use lots of empathy and "No" variations to get the other person to counter before you increase your offer.
- When you get to the final 100% amount, use a very specific, non-round number. Instead of $5,000, say $5,067. It makes it look like you’ve done some deep math and that this is your absolute limit.
- On your final number, throw in a non-monetary item (something they probably don't want) to show you're at the end of your rope.
It’s a bit calculated, sure. But in a world where everyone else is just guessing, having a system keeps you from getting emotional and overpaying.
Practical Steps to Use These Tactics Today
You don't need a kidnapping to practice this. You can start small.
- At a restaurant: If they tell you there’s a 40-minute wait, try a label. "It seems like you're really slammed tonight and stressed out." Watch how their face changes. They might just find you a table.
- With your partner: Next time there’s a disagreement, don't defend yourself. Just mirror. "You feel like I don't help out enough?" Let them talk.
- At work: Use the "No" oriented question. "Would you be totally opposed to moving the deadline to Tuesday?" It’s much harder for someone to say "Yes, I am totally opposed" than it is for them to say "No" to a standard request.
The reality is that negotiation isn't about winning or losing. It's about discovery. Never Split the Difference teaches you that the person across the table isn't your enemy—the situation is. Once you realize that, you stop fighting and start solving.
Stop trying to be right. Start trying to be effective.
Next time you're in a pinch, remember to slow down. Use your DJ voice. Ask "How am I supposed to do that?" and then wait. The silence is where the magic happens. You’ll be surprised at what people are willing to give you when they feel like you’re finally actually listening to them.