Pain is weird. Most of us treat a broken heart or a massive professional failure like a hot coal we need to drop immediately. We run. We scroll through TikTok for six hours. We drink. We do literally anything to avoid the heavy, sinking feeling in the chest that comes when life falls apart. But here’s the thing: you can't actually outrun a feeling. If you don't let it hurt then let it go, that pain just finds a basement in your subconscious and starts throwing furniture around.
It stays there.
It festers.
Most people think "letting go" is a decision you make on a Tuesday morning over coffee. It isn't. It’s the final stage of a messy, exhausting, and often embarrassing process of actually feeling the sting. If you skip the "hurt" part, the "letting go" part is just a lie you’re telling yourself.
The Biological Reality of Suppression
When we talk about emotional pain, we aren't just being poetic. Your brain processes social rejection and emotional loss in the same neighborhood where it processes physical pain—specifically the secondary somatosensory cortex and the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex. Research by Dr. Naomi Eisenberger at UCLA has shown this link is incredibly literal. When you try to "just move on" without processing the hurt, you’re essentially trying to ignore a broken leg.
It doesn't work.
Your body keeps the score. Stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline don't just vanish because you decided to be "positive." If you don't acknowledge the hurt, your nervous system stays in a state of high alert. This is why you might find yourself snapping at a grocery clerk or unable to sleep three months after a breakup you claimed you were "over." You haven't let it hurt yet. You’ve just repressed it.
Why the "Snap Out of It" Culture is Toxic
We live in an era of toxic positivity. You’ve seen the Instagram quotes. "Good vibes only." "Focus on the future." It sounds great on a coffee mug, but it’s biologically illiterate. Dr. Susan David, a psychologist at Harvard Medical School and author of Emotional Agility, argues that forcing ourselves to be happy actually makes us less resilient. She calls it "emotional labor." By pretending we aren't hurting, we exhaust the very mental resources we need to actually heal.
Honestly? It's okay to be a mess.
The Messy Middle: How to Actually Let It Hurt
So, how do you actually do this? It’s not about wallowing for a decade. It’s about "clean pain" versus "dirty pain." Clean pain is the raw, honest hurt of a loss. Dirty pain is the layers of shame, blame, and "shoulds" we pile on top of it.
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- Sit with the physical sensation. Where do you feel it? Is it a tightness in your throat? A heaviness in your stomach? Just notice it.
- Name the emotion. Don't just say you're "stressed." Are you humiliated? Disappointed? Bereft? Labeling the emotion (a technique called "affect labeling") reduces the activity in the amygdala.
- Give it a timeline. You don't have to hurt forever. But you might need to hurt for tonight. Give yourself an hour to just feel like garbage. No distractions. No phone.
I remember talking to a friend who lost his business in 2023. He spent months trying to "pivot" and "hustle" without ever acknowledging the grief of losing his dream. He burned out so hard he couldn't get out of bed for a month. It wasn't until he sat down and admitted, "This hurts, and I feel like a failure," that the weight started to lift. That’s the let it hurt then let it go cycle in action. You have to go through the center of the storm to get to the other side.
The Pivot Point: When Hurt Becomes Insight
There is a specific moment where the "hurt" phase transitions into the "letting go" phase. It usually happens when the pain stops being a surprise. You wake up, you feel the familiar ache, and instead of panicking, you think, "Oh, right. This again."
This is where perspective shifts.
The Buddhist concept of Shenpa describes that "hook" we feel when something triggers us. We get hooked by the urge to yell, to blame, or to numbing ourselves. Letting go is the practice of feeling the hook and choosing not to bite. It’s not that the hook disappears; it’s that you stop being a fish.
Common Misconceptions About Letting Go
- It’s a one-time event. False. Letting go is a repetitive practice. You might have to let go of the same resentment fifty times in one day.
- It means forgetting. You won't forget what happened. You just lose the emotional charge attached to the memory.
- It means the other person "wins." If we’re talking about a conflict, letting go is about your peace, not their absolution.
The Science of Forgiveness and Release
Letting go often involves forgiveness—not necessarily of others, but of the situation or yourself. Dr. Fred Luskin of the Stanford Forgiveness Project has conducted extensive studies showing that learning to let go of grievances significantly lowers blood pressure and reduces heart rate. His work proves that holding onto "hurt" without processing it is a physical burden.
His research suggests that "letting go" is actually a skill. It’s like a muscle. The more you practice acknowledging a minor slight and releasing it, the better you’ll be when the big stuff hits.
Think about a time someone cut you off in traffic. You could stay mad for twenty minutes, ruining your mood and your drive. Or, you could feel that flash of anger—let it hurt for three seconds—and then consciously decide to drop it. That is the micro-version of the life-changing macro-skill we’re talking about.
Practical Steps to Move Forward
You can't think your way out of a feeling. You have to live your way out of it. If you're stuck in the "hurt" phase and can't seem to find the "let go" exit, try these specific, actionable shifts.
Write the "Unsent Letter." Get a piece of paper. Write down every ugly, petty, heartbroken thing you’re feeling. Don't censor yourself. Don't try to be the "bigger person." Get the poison out of your system and onto the page. Then, burn it. Or shred it. The physical act of destruction is a powerful signal to your brain that the "hurt" phase has been documented and is now over.
Change Your Narrative. We often keep the hurt alive by the stories we tell ourselves. "I'll never find someone else." "I'm bad with money." "I always get passed over." These aren't facts; they're echoes of the hurt. Start questioning the validity of these stories. Ask yourself: Is this 100% true? What evidence do I have for the opposite?
The 90-Second Rule. Neuroanatomist Jill Bolte Taylor notes that the chemical process of an emotion lasts about 90 seconds. If you feel a surge of pain, try to sit with it for exactly a minute and a half without adding any "story" to it. If the pain lasts longer, it’s because you’re re-triggering it with your thoughts.
Physical Movement. Trauma and grief are stored in the body. Sometimes, you need to literally shake it off. Go for a run, box, or just dance like a maniac in your living room. Moving your body helps move the stagnant energy of repressed emotions.
What Happens if You Don't Let Go?
If you refuse to let it hurt then let it go, you become "brittle." You see it in people who haven't processed a divorce from ten years ago—they're cynical, closed-off, and constantly on the defensive. They think they’re protecting themselves, but they’re actually just building a cage.
True strength isn't about being bulletproof. It’s about being able to take the hit, feel the pain, and then have the courage to soften again.
Final Insights for the Journey
Growth is rarely linear. You’ll have days where you feel like you’ve finally let it go, only for a specific song or a smell to bring the hurt rushing back in. That doesn't mean you failed. It just means you’re human.
The goal isn't to become an unfeeling robot. The goal is to become someone who can experience the full spectrum of human emotion without getting stuck in the dark parts. You let the wave hit you. You feel the cold. You feel the force of it. And then you watch it recede back into the ocean.
To start this process today:
- Identify one specific resentment or hurt you’ve been "ignoring" to stay strong.
- Schedule 15 minutes this evening to sit in a quiet room and actually feel the weight of that specific thing.
- Describe the feeling out loud, as if you’re explaining it to a stranger.
- Commit to one small action that represents a new chapter—whether that’s deleting a phone number, unsubscribing from an old hobby's newsletter, or finally throwing away a physical reminder of the past.