If you’ve ever felt like your phone is a digital marketplace where you’re basically a product on a shelf, you aren't crazy. It’s actually by design. We tend to think of dating as this timeless, eternal human experience that just evolved from stone-age grunting to swiping right. But it’s not. In her seminal book Labor of Love: The Invention of Dating, Moira Weigel argues that dating is a relatively recent invention, one that was born out of the shift from the private sphere to the public market.
Basically, dating is work.
Before we had "dating," we had "calling." In the 19th century, a young man would visit a woman at her home. Her mother would serve tea. It was a domestic ritual controlled by the woman and her family. But then, cities exploded. People moved into tenements. Suddenly, there was no "parlor" to receive a guest. Young people started going out to dance halls, nickelodeons, and restaurants. This shifted the power. If you’re in a public space, someone has to pay. Usually, that was the man. That’s the moment the "labor of love" officially started, turning courtship into a transaction.
The Invention of Dating and the Industrial Revolution
Weigel’s research points to a specific shift around the turn of the 20th century. Urbanization changed everything. Imagine you're a shopgirl in 1910. You live in a cramped boarding house with six other women. You can’t bring a guy home. So, you go out. But you don't have much money. The "date" becomes a trade: your company for his financial investment in the evening. This is where the labor of love: the invention of dating gets its name. It’s a job. You’re performing a version of yourself to "earn" a night out or, eventually, a marriage proposal.
It’s easy to get nostalgic for the past, but the "calling" system was incredibly restrictive. It was basically a gatekeeping mechanism for the upper middle class. Dating, in its messy, public, transactional beginnings, was actually a form of freedom for the working class. It allowed people to meet outside the watchful eye of their parents.
But freedom isn't free.
When courtship moved into the marketplace, it adopted the logic of the marketplace. People started talking about "the marriage market." They started "investing" time in people. Weigel notes that the language we use for our hearts is almost identical to the language we use for our bank accounts. We "spend" time. We look for "value." We worry about "ghosting" as if it’s a bad business debt.
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Why Your Love Life Feels Like a Second Job
If you feel exhausted after an hour on Hinge, it’s because you are working. Weigel makes the point that dating has always mirrored the way we work. In the mid-20th century, the "going steady" era reflected the era of the long-term corporate career. You found a company (or a person), you stayed there, you got the pension (or the house in the suburbs). It was stable. It was predictable.
Now? We live in the gig economy.
Our romantic lives have followed suit. We’re all freelancers now. We’re constantly branding ourselves, updating our "resumes" (profiles), and looking for the next best thing. This isn't just a metaphor. The same technology that allows companies to hire contractors for three-hour shifts—Uber, TaskRabbit, Upwork—is the technology powering our love lives. Labor of Love: The Invention of Dating highlights that we are essentially unpaid interns in the factory of romance.
- The Branding Burden: You have to curate photos that look effortless but took forty tries.
- The Emotional Labor: Managing the feelings of strangers so you don't seem "crazy" or "desperate."
- The Market Research: Checking their Instagram, LinkedIn, and Spotify before the first drink is even poured.
It's a lot. Honestly, it's exhausting. We are told to "follow our hearts," but our hearts are being directed by algorithms designed to keep us engaged with the app, not necessarily to find us a spouse.
The Shopgirl and the Modern Swiper
There’s a direct line from the "charity girls" of the early 1900s to the TikTok influencers of today. Back then, women were often accused of "treating"—accepting gifts or meals in exchange for their company. It was a gray area between sex work and "proper" behavior. Today, we have "sugar dating" or even just the subtle negotiation of who pays for the first coffee. The core tension remains: how do you navigate a romantic relationship when everything has a price tag?
Weigel’s work suggests that we’ve been "inventing" dating over and over again to suit the economy. When the economy is precarious, dating gets weird. People stay in bad relationships longer because they can't afford rent alone. Or they refuse to commit because they’re waiting for a "better deal" that might be one swipe away.
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The Gendered Labor of "Being Yourself"
One of the most frustrating parts of the labor of love: the invention of dating is the demand to be "authentic." We’re told that the key to love is just "being yourself."
But which self?
For women especially, Weigel explores how "being yourself" is actually a very specific type of work. You have to be the version of yourself that is attractive but not intimidating, smart but not "too much," and interested but not "obsessed." This performance is a full-time job. It’s what sociologists call "affective labor." It’s the work of managing emotions—yours and theirs—to produce a specific result.
Even the concept of "The One" is a relatively modern invention designed to make the labor feel worth it. If there’s a soulmate out there, then the hundreds of bad dates aren't a waste of time; they’re just "market research." It’s a way to justify the hustle.
Consumerism and the "Perfect Date"
We can't talk about the invention of dating without talking about stuff. The jewelry industry, the restaurant industry, the flower industry—they all have a vested interest in dating being a complicated, expensive ritual.
Think about the Diamond Engagement Ring. It wasn't a centuries-old tradition. It was a massive marketing campaign by De Beers in the 1930s. They literally linked the size of the stone to the "worth" of the man’s love. They turned a feeling into a commodity. This happens at every level of dating. The "perfect" first date is often defined by what you consume—the artisanal cocktails, the trendy tapas, the tickets to the show.
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We’ve been conditioned to believe that intimacy is something you buy.
Breaking the Cycle of Dating Burnout
So, if dating is an invention and a form of labor, how do we stop the burnout? Understanding the history helps. When you realize that the "rules" of dating were often just responses to economic shifts, they lose their power. You don't have to follow a script that was written by a 1920s department store or a 2020s tech billionaire.
- Acknowledge the Work. Stop telling yourself that dating should be "easy." It’s not. It’s labor. When you admit it’s work, you can give yourself permission to take breaks. You wouldn't work a 16-hour shift at a job without a lunch break; don't do it on Tinder either.
- Redefine the Transaction. Instead of looking for "value" in a partner, look for connection. It sounds cheesy, but it’s a radical act in a market-driven world. Try to move the "date" out of the consumer space. Go for a walk. Sit on a bench. See what happens when there’s nothing to buy.
- Question the "Authenticity" Trap. You don't owe anyone a perfect performance of your personality. It’s okay to be guarded. It’s okay to be private. You aren't a brand; you’re a person.
- Watch the Language. Notice how often you use business terms to describe your love life. "He’s a great prospect." "She’s got high ROI." "I’m pivoting my strategy." Try to use human words instead. It changes how you feel about the process.
The Future of the Labor of Love
The invention of dating isn't finished. We are currently in the middle of another massive shift. AI wingmen, virtual reality dates, and "algorithmic compatibility" are the new dance halls. We are moving into an era where the labor might be outsourced to machines, but the underlying pressure remains the same: the need to find a partner in an increasingly isolated world.
Moira Weigel’s Labor of Love: The Invention of Dating isn't just a history book. It’s a mirror. It shows us that our romantic frustrations aren't personal failings. They are the logical result of a system that treats humans like products.
The next time you’re sitting across from a stranger, feeling that familiar exhaustion, remember that you’re participating in a hundred-year-old experiment. You can’t opt out of the economy, but you can change how you play the game. You can choose to be a human being instead of a "user." It might not make the apps any less annoying, but it might make the search feel a little more like love and a little less like work.
Your Next Steps for a Saner Love Life:
- Audit your apps: Delete any platform that makes you feel like you're "working" for a boss you hate. Stick to one or none for a week.
- Change the venue: Suggest a "zero-cost" date for your next meetup. It strips away the consumerist pressure and reveals who the person actually is when they aren't buying something.
- Read the Source: Pick up Weigel's book for a deeper look at how the 1940s "rating and dating" complex still influences your subconscious today.
- De-market your bio: Remove the "stats" and the "hustle" language. Write one sentence that is weird, specific, and totally unmarketable. Find the person who likes that.