We spend an exhausting amount of time pretending. You know the drill. Someone asks how you’re doing in the grocery store or over a Slack message, and you hit them with the standard "I'm good, thanks!" even if your world is currently melting into a puddle of stress and burnout. It’s a social reflex. But honestly, the relentless pressure to stay positive is actually making us more miserable. It’s a phenomenon psychologists call toxic positivity, and it’s the enemy of genuine healing.
Understanding that it's okay to be not okay isn't just a catchy phrase for a Pinterest board or a Netflix K-drama title. It’s a biological necessity. When you suppress negative emotions, your body doesn't just "delete" them. They stick around. They manifest as cortisol spikes, tension headaches, or that weird feeling of being wired but tired at 3:00 AM.
Life is messy. Sometimes it's heavy. And pretending it isn't doesn't make you strong; it just makes you tired.
The Science of Feeling Like Garbage
Why do we feel so much guilt when we aren't "on"?
Social psychologist Dr. Brock Bastian has done some fascinating work on this. His research suggests that the more we feel like society expects us to be happy, the more we obsess over our failures and sadness. It’s a paradox. By demanding happiness, we make ourselves more prone to depression. When you tell yourself "I shouldn't feel this way," you’re essentially doubling your pain. You have the original pain, and then you have the secondary pain of judging yourself for having the first pain. That's a lot of unnecessary math for your brain to do.
Your Brain on Suppression
If you're constantly pushing down "bad" feelings, your amygdala—the brain’s alarm system—stays on high alert. A famous study from Stanford University by Dr. James Gross showed that people who suppress their emotions actually experience more physiological arousal. Their hearts beat faster. Their blood pressure rises. Interestingly, the people they are talking to also experience a rise in blood pressure, even if they don't know why. Your "fake it till you make it" vibe is literally stressing out the people around you.
Accepting that it's okay to be not okay acts like a pressure release valve. The moment you name the feeling—"I am feeling incredibly overwhelmed right now"—the prefrontal cortex kicks in and helps calm the amygdala down. This is called affect labeling. It’s basically magic, but for your nerves.
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Real life isn't a highlight reel
We’ve all seen the influencers. They wake up at 5:00 AM, drink green juice, meditate for an hour, and look like they’ve never had a bad day in their lives. It’s a lie. Or at least, it’s a very curated slice of reality.
Real life involves burnout. It involves grief that hits you at weird times, like when you're looking at a specific brand of cereal. It involves the "Sunday Scaries" that start on Saturday afternoon. When we stop comparing our "behind-the-scenes" footage to everyone else's "highlight reel," the phrase it's okay to be not okay starts to feel less like a platitude and more like a relief.
The Problem With "Good Vibes Only"
That phrase is everywhere. It’s on pillows, t-shirts, and Instagram bios. But "Good Vibes Only" is actually pretty exclusionary. It tells people who are grieving, struggling with clinical depression, or just having a rough week that they aren't welcome unless they can mask their reality.
True resilience isn't about avoiding the dark stuff. It’s about moving through it. You can't heal what you don't feel.
Professional Perspectives on the "Not Okay" State
Therapists often talk about the "Window of Tolerance." This is the zone where you can effectively manage your emotions. When you're pushed outside that window, you either go into hyper-arousal (anxiety, panic, anger) or hypo-arousal (numbness, dissociation, depression).
Acknowledge the state.
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If you're in hypo-arousal, you might feel like a "zombie." Instead of fighting it and forcing yourself to be productive, experts like Dr. Dan Siegel suggest gentle grounding. You don't need to be "okay" to be valid. You just need to be present.
Moving Toward Radical Acceptance
Radical acceptance is a concept from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), developed by Marsha Linehan. It’s the idea of accepting reality as it is, without judgment or attempts to fight it. It doesn't mean you like what's happening. It just means you stop exhausting yourself by protesting that it shouldn't be happening.
If you lost your job, radical acceptance isn't saying "This is great!" It's saying "I lost my job. I am scared. This is my current reality."
When you accept that it's okay to be not okay, you stop wasting energy on the "why me?" and start using it for "what now?"
Practical Ways to Sit With the Uncomfortable
So, how do you actually do this without spiraling?
- Stop the "Shoulds." Every time you catch yourself saying "I should be over this by now" or "I should be more grateful," stop. Replace it with "I am feeling [emotion] right now, and that’s what is happening."
- The 90-Second Rule. Neuroanatomist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor says that the chemical process of an emotion usually only lasts about 90 seconds. If you feel it fully—really feel the heat in your chest or the tightness in your throat—without feeding it with stories and "shoulds," it will usually peak and fade on its own.
- Change the environment. Sometimes being "not okay" feels claustrophobic. You don't have to fix the feeling, but you can change the scenery. Go outside. Sit on the floor. Put your hands in cold water. These are physical signals to your nervous system that you are safe, even if you are sad.
- Be a "Fair-Weather" Friend to Yourself. We are often great at supporting friends when they're down but terrible at doing it for ourselves. Talk to yourself like you’d talk to a friend who just had their heart broken. You wouldn't tell them they're a failure for crying. You'd probably buy them a pizza and tell them to take a nap.
When "Not Okay" Becomes a Pattern
We have to be honest here: there is a difference between a bad week and a clinical issue.
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While it's okay to be not okay, it’s also important to recognize when you need a professional navigator. If your "not okay" has stayed for more than two weeks, if you’re losing interest in things you used to love, or if your sleep and appetite are totally shot, that’s your cue to reach out.
There’s no trophy for suffering in silence.
Organizations like NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) and the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline exist because everyone hits a wall eventually. Reaching out isn't a sign that you failed at being "okay"—it's a sign that you're taking your health seriously.
The Cultural Shift We Actually Need
We are starting to see a change. Athletes like Simone Biles and Naomi Osaka have publicly stepped back from major events to prioritize their mental health. They showed the world that even at the peak of human performance, it's okay to be not okay. Their "no" was a massive "yes" to their own well-being.
This ripples down to us. When a world-class athlete says "I can't do this today," it makes it a little easier for you to tell your boss you need a mental health day or to tell your family you can't make it to Sunday dinner because you're socially drained.
Actionable Steps for the Next 24 Hours
If you’re currently in the thick of it, don't try to "fix" your entire life. Just focus on these small, concrete shifts:
- Audit your "Yeses": Look at your calendar for the next two days. Find one thing you're doing out of obligation that makes you feel drained. Cancel it. Use that time to just exist without an agenda.
- Lower the bar: If you're struggling, your goal for the day shouldn't be "crush it at work." It should be "eat a vegetable, drink some water, and shower." High-functioning days will come back, but today isn't one of them.
- Name the Beast: Write down exactly what you're feeling on a scrap of paper. "I feel lonely," or "I feel like I'm failing at parenting." Look at it. Realize that the feeling is a data point, not a permanent identity.
- Physical Release: If you’re feeling "not okay" in an anxious way, move your body. Shake your arms, jump up and down, or do a heavy lifting session. If you’re "not okay" in a depressive way, lean into comfort. A heavy blanket, a hot tea, or a movie you’ve seen twenty times.
Remember, the goal isn't to get back to "perfect" as fast as possible. The goal is to be honest about where you are. The clouds don't apologize for blocking the sun; they just pass through. You’re allowed to have cloudy days. You’re allowed to be human. It's okay to be not okay, and sometimes, that’s exactly where the most important growth happens.