We’ve all seen the Pinterest boards. "Choose joy." "Good vibes only." Honestly? It’s exhausting. There is this weird, unspoken pressure to maintain a baseline of "fine" even when your life feels like it’s being run through a paper shredder. But here is the thing: it's okay not to be okay. It’s actually more than okay—it’s a biological necessity.
Life isn't a linear graph of happiness. It's messy.
If you’re feeling off, you aren't broken. You’re human. We live in a culture that treats sadness like a software bug that needs a quick patch, rather than a legitimate signal from our brains that something needs attention. Dr. Susan David, a psychologist at Harvard Medical School, calls this "toxic positivity." It's the forced suppression of negative emotions to stay upbeat, and it’s actually making us more miserable. When we push down the "bad" stuff, we lose the ability to feel the "good" stuff too. You can’t selectively numb your emotions.
The biology of the "not okay" state
Your brain doesn’t have a "sadness" switch. It has a complex survival system. When we say it's okay not to be okay, we are acknowledging that the amygdala—the part of the brain that processes fear and emotions—is doing its job. Sometimes it overreacts. Sometimes it’s responding to a very real, very heavy load of stress, grief, or burnout.
When you’re going through a rough patch, your body is likely flooded with cortisol. That’s the stress hormone. If you try to mask that with a fake smile, you’re just adding another layer of stress on top of the existing chemical imbalance. Research from the University of Texas has shown that by not acknowledging negative emotions, we actually make them stronger. The more you ignore the "not okay" feeling, the louder it gets. It’s like trying to hold a beach ball underwater. Eventually, it’s going to pop up and hit you in the face.
Why we lie about how we feel
Why do we do it? Why do we say "I'm good" when we're actually staring at the ceiling at 3 AM wondering if we're failing at life? It's social survival. We don't want to be a "burden." We don't want to be the "downer" at the party.
But this social mask has a high cost. A 2013 study published in the Journal of Psychosomatic Research found that emotional suppression may actually increase the risk of premature death, including from cancer and heart disease. That sounds extreme, right? But the physical toll of pretending to be fine is real. Your heart rate stays higher. Your blood pressure creeps up. Your immune system takes a hit because it's too busy dealing with the internal friction of a mind at war with itself.
Breaking the stigma around mental struggles
Let's talk about the phrase "it's okay not to be okay" in the context of the 2020s. We’ve seen a massive shift. High-profile figures like Simone Biles and Naomi Osaka didn't just say they were struggling; they walked away from massive competitions to protect their peace. That was a turning point. It signaled to the world that performance shouldn't come at the cost of the self.
💡 You might also like: Images of Grief and Loss: Why We Look When It Hurts
But for the rest of us, who aren't Olympic athletes, the stakes feel different. We worry about losing jobs or being judged by family.
The truth is, everyone is struggling with something. Everyone. If you could see inside the heads of the people you pass on the street, you’d see a lot of the same messy, tangled thoughts you’re dealing with. Knowing it's okay not to be okay means accepting that vulnerability isn't a weakness. It's an invitation for connection. When you're honest about your struggles, you give other people permission to be honest about theirs. It's the only way we actually build real relationships instead of just surface-level friendships based on highlight reels.
The difference between a bad day and something more
It’s important to distinguish between "having a moment" and a clinical issue.
- A "Not Okay" Phase: This is usually tied to a specific event or a period of high stress. You feel sad, anxious, or just "blah," but you still function, even if it feels like moving through molasses.
- Clinical Depression or Anxiety: This is when the "not okay" becomes the permanent setting. If you’ve lost interest in everything you used to love for more than two weeks, or if you’re having trouble sleeping or eating, it’s time to move past the "it’s okay" phase and into the "get professional help" phase.
There’s no shame in needing a therapist. None. We go to the dentist for a toothache; we should go to a professional for a "mind-ache."
Practical ways to sit with your feelings
So, what do you actually do when you realize you're not okay? You don't just sit in a dark room and wait for it to pass (unless that’s what you really need).
First, name it. There is a technique in psychology called "affect labeling." Basically, when you put a name to an emotion—"I am feeling incredibly lonely" or "I am feeling overwhelmed by my workload"—the activity in your amygdala actually decreases. You’re moving the processing of that emotion from the reactive part of your brain to the logical part (the prefrontal cortex). It takes the power away from the feeling.
Second, stop judging yourself for feeling bad. This is the "second arrow" of suffering in Buddhist philosophy. The first arrow is the event itself (the job loss, the breakup, the bad mood). The second arrow is the one you shoot at yourself for being upset about it. "I shouldn't be this sad." "Other people have it worse." Stop. One arrow is enough.
📖 Related: Why the Ginger and Lemon Shot Actually Works (And Why It Might Not)
Third, change your environment, even slightly. You don't need a vacation to the Maldives. Sometimes just sitting on a different chair or walking to the end of the block and back can break the loop of negative thoughts. It’s not a "cure," but it’s a circuit breaker.
The trap of "self-care" marketing
We need to be careful with how we define "getting better." The wellness industry wants you to believe that a $15 green juice or a $90 candle will make you "okay." Honestly, sometimes self-care is just taking a shower. Sometimes it’s saying "no" to a social event because you don't have the social battery for it.
Real self-care is often boring. It’s setting boundaries. It’s drinking water. It’s finally making that doctor's appointment you've been putting off. It’s not always pretty, and it definitely doesn’t always look good on Instagram.
Why "it's okay not to be okay" is a long-term strategy
If you allow yourself to be not okay now, you’re actually preventing a larger collapse later. Think of it like a forest fire. Small, controlled burns prevent the massive, unstoppable wildfires that happen when undergrowth is allowed to build up for years. Your small "not okay" days are those controlled burns. They clear out the emotional brush.
When you acknowledge your limits, you build resilience. Resilience isn't about never falling down; it's about knowing how to get back up once you've spent some time on the ground.
How to support someone else who isn't okay
If a friend tells you they’re struggling, don't try to "fix" it. Most people don't want a solution immediately; they want to be heard.
Avoid saying things like:
👉 See also: How to Eat Chia Seeds Water: What Most People Get Wrong
- "Look on the bright side."
- "Everything happens for a reason."
- "You have so much to be grateful for."
These phrases are dismissive. Instead, try:
- "That sounds really hard."
- "I'm here for you, even if we just sit in silence."
- "What can I do to make today 1% easier for you?"
Being a witness to someone's pain is one of the most powerful things you can do. You don't need a degree in psychology to be a decent human being.
Moving forward when things feel heavy
Accepting that it's okay not to be okay is the first step toward genuine mental health. It’s not about staying in that state forever. It’s about giving yourself the grace to exist in that space for as long as you need to.
Healing is non-linear. You’ll have days where you feel like you’ve conquered the world, and then the next day you’ll feel like you’re back at square one because you saw a sad commercial or someone was mean to you in traffic. That’s normal.
The goal isn't to be "okay" every single day. The goal is to be honest with yourself about where you are.
Actionable steps for the "not okay" days
- Lower the bar. If you’re struggling, your only job is to get through the day. If you fed yourself and stayed hydrated, you won. Everything else is extra credit.
- Limit the doomscrolling. Seeing other people's curated lives when you're feeling low is like pouring salt in a wound. Put the phone in another room for an hour.
- Find one "tiny win." Wash three dishes. Fold one pile of laundry. Write one email. Small accomplishments provide a hit of dopamine that can help shift your momentum.
- Talk to a professional. If the "not okay" feeling has become your default state, please reach out to a therapist or a counselor. Websites like Psychology Today or BetterHelp can help you find someone who fits your needs and budget.
- Practice radical self-compassion. Treat yourself with the same kindness you would show a small child or a pet who was feeling scared or hurt. You wouldn't yell at them for being sad. Don't yell at yourself.
Accepting your current state without judgment is the most productive thing you can do for your mental health. It’s okay to be tired. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to not have it all figured out. You are doing better than you think you are.