Life is messy. Sometimes it feels like we’re all just pretending to have it together while secretly scrolling through TikTok at 2 AM wondering why everyone else seems to be winning. You’ve seen the phrase "it's okay not to be okay" on mugs, t-shirts, and Instagram captions. It’s become a bit of a cliché, hasn't it? But beneath the aesthetic font and the pastel backgrounds, there is a gritty, scientific reality that most people ignore because they’re too busy trying to be "productive."
The truth is, forcing a smile when you’re drowning is literally bad for your heart. Researchers have a term for this: emotional labor.
We live in a culture that treats sadness like a software bug. We want to patch it. We want to update the system and get back to peak performance. But humans aren't operating systems. We’re biological entities with nervous systems that evolved to feel pain for a reason. If you ignore a broken leg, it heals crooked. If you ignore a broken spirit, the damage just goes deeper.
Honestly, the phrase it’s okay not to be okay isn't just a permission slip to cry; it’s a fundamental biological necessity.
The Toxic Trap of Radical Positivity
Have you ever been told to "just look on the bright side" when your world was falling apart? It feels like a slap in the face. This is what psychologists call toxic positivity. It’s the idea that no matter how dire a situation is, you should maintain a positive mindset.
It's garbage.
Dr. Susan David, a psychologist at Harvard Medical School and author of Emotional Agility, argues that suppressing "negative" emotions actually makes them stronger. It’s called the "rebound effect." When you try to push a thought away, it comes back with reinforcements. Think about a giant beach ball. If you try to hold it underwater, it takes a ton of energy. The second you let go, it rockets into the air and hits you in the face.
That’s what happens when you refuse to admit you’re struggling.
The pressure to be "on" 24/7 is a relatively new human phenomenon. Our ancestors didn't have LinkedIn. They didn't have to curate a "personal brand" while grieving a loss or dealing with burnout. They had seasons. There was a time for the harvest and a time for the winter. Right now, many of us are trying to live in a permanent summer, and it’s exhausting.
✨ Don't miss: High Protein in a Blood Test: What Most People Get Wrong
Why the Brain Needs "Down" Time
Your brain has this thing called the Default Mode Network (DMN). It kicks in when you aren't focused on a specific task. When you allow yourself to sit with your feelings—even the crappy ones—you’re actually giving your brain a chance to process complex social and emotional information.
If you constantly mask your feelings, you’re stuck in a state of high cognitive load. You’re using up all your "RAM" just to keep the mask from slipping. This leads to brain fog, irritability, and that weird feeling where you’re tired but can’t sleep.
The Physical Cost of Faking It
Let's get clinical for a second. Your body doesn't distinguish between a "mental" problem and a "physical" one. It’s all one system. When you're struggling but telling everyone "I'm fine," your sympathetic nervous system is likely stuck in overdrive.
Chronic stress—the kind that comes from long-term emotional suppression—dumps cortisol into your bloodstream. Over time, high cortisol levels can lead to some pretty nasty stuff:
- Weakened immune response (you get sick more often).
- Increased inflammation.
- Disrupted sleep cycles.
- Higher risk of cardiovascular issues.
Dr. Gabor Maté, a renowned physician and author of When the Body Says No, has spent decades documenting how people who "don't know how to say no" or acknowledge their own suffering often end up with physical illnesses. The body eventually forces you to stop if you won't do it yourself. It’s okay not to be okay because the alternative is literally making yourself sick.
The "Social Media Effect" on Mental Health
We have to talk about the elephant in the room. Or rather, the glowing rectangle in your pocket.
Social media is a highlight reel. You know this. I know this. But our lizard brains? They don't know it. When you see someone’s "Day in the Life" video where they wake up at 5 AM, drink greens, and crush a workout, and you’re currently eating cereal for dinner over the sink, your brain registers a status threat.
You feel like you're failing at life.
🔗 Read more: How to take out IUD: What your doctor might not tell you about the process
But here’s the secret: the person making that video is probably struggling too. They just didn't film the part where they cried in the car because they’re overwhelmed. By normalizing the idea that it’s okay not to be okay, we start to dismantle this digital house of cards.
Real connection—the kind that actually makes us feel better—doesn't happen when we share our successes. It happens when we share our vulnerabilities. It’s called the "Beautiful Mess Effect." Research shows that we tend to view our own vulnerability as a weakness, but we see other people’s vulnerability as courageous and attractive.
We’re essentially judging ourselves by a standard we don't apply to anyone else.
What Normalizing Struggle Actually Looks Like
It’s not about wallowing. There’s a difference between "not being okay" and "staying not okay" forever without seeking help. But you can't get to the healing part if you don't acknowledge the hurting part first.
Think about it like a GPS. If the GPS doesn't know your current location, it can't give you directions to where you want to go. If you’re at "Sad/Burned Out" but you tell the GPS you’re at "Doing Great," the directions it gives you will be totally useless.
Breaking the Stigma in the Workplace
This is where it gets tricky. Can you tell your boss you're not okay? In some places, maybe not yet. But the tide is turning. Companies are starting to realize that "presenteeism"—where employees show up but are mentally checked out because they’re struggling—costs more than just letting people take a mental health day.
Forward-thinking leaders are starting to lead with vulnerability. When a manager says, "Hey, I'm having a rough week and I'm going to take Friday off to recharge," it gives the whole team permission to be human.
Practical Ways to Sit With "Not Being Okay"
So, what do you actually do when you’re in the thick of it? It’s not about "fixing" the feeling. It’s about navigating it.
💡 You might also like: How Much Sugar Are in Apples: What Most People Get Wrong
- Name it to tame it. This is a phrase coined by psychiatrist Dan Siegel. When you feel that tightness in your chest or that cloud in your head, literally say it out loud. "I am feeling overwhelmed." "I am feeling lonely." This shifts the activity in your brain from the emotional center (the amygdala) to the rational center (the prefrontal cortex).
- The 10-Minute Rule. If you’re feeling like you can't handle the day, don't try to handle the day. Just handle the next 10 minutes. Wash one dish. Send one email. Or just sit there.
- Radical Acceptance. This is a core tenet of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). It’s the idea of accepting reality as it is, without judgment. "I am sad right now, and that is what is happening." It sounds simple, but it stops the secondary suffering—the part where you feel bad about feeling bad.
- Physical Grounding. When your mind is spinning, get back into your body. Use the 5-4-3-2-1 technique: find 5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell, and 1 you can taste.
Knowing When to Call in the Pros
There is a line between a "bad week" and clinical depression or anxiety. If you find that your "not okay" status is preventing you from eating, sleeping, or functioning for more than two weeks, it might be time to talk to a therapist or a doctor.
Seeking help isn't a sign that you failed at being "okay." It’s a sign that you’re taking your health seriously. You wouldn't try to perform surgery on yourself; you don't have to navigate a mental health crisis alone either.
The Strength in Softness
We’ve been conditioned to think that strength is iron and grit. But iron snaps under too much pressure. Bamboo is strong because it bends.
Admitting that you’re struggling is a form of bending. It’s how you survive the storm without breaking.
The most "together" people you know? They have days where they can't get out of bed. They have nights where they doubt every choice they’ve ever made. The difference is often just that they’ve accepted that it’s okay not to be okay. They don't waste energy hating themselves for being human.
Moving Forward Without the Pressure
Next time you feel that wave of "not okay-ness" hitting you, try something different. Don't fight it. Don't try to "hack" your mood with a productivity app or a forced gratitude list.
Just sit with it.
Tell a friend. Not the friend who always gives advice, but the one who just listens. Say, "I'm having a hard time, and I don't need a solution, I just need to say it out loud."
You might be surprised at how much lighter you feel once you stop pretending to be fine. The world won't stop spinning if you take a beat to acknowledge your own humanity. In fact, you’ll probably find that once you stop fighting the feeling, it starts to move through you a lot faster.
Next Steps for Your Mental Well-being
- Audit your "Shoulds": Write down three things you feel you "should" be doing or feeling right now. Cross them out. Replace them with what you actually feel.
- The "Check-In" Text: Send a text to one trusted person today. Don't wait for a crisis. Just say, "Honestly, I've been feeling a bit [insert emotion] lately." It breaks the ice.
- Physical Release: If you're holding in a lot of "not okay," do something physical to let it out. Run, scream into a pillow, or have a controlled 5-minute cry. Your nervous system will thank you for the reset.
- Schedule Unstructured Time: Set aside 30 minutes this weekend with zero goals. No chores, no scrolling. Just exist. See what feelings bubble up when you stop running.