Ever catch yourself doing something weird—like the specific way you fold your socks or why you get a pit in your stomach when someone uses a certain tone of voice—and think, "Where did this even come from?" Usually, it started when we were younger. It's not just a cliché or a line from a therapist's couch. It's basically the architectural blueprint of your entire adult brain.
We like to think we're these independent, self-made adults who chose our paths. Honestly, though? Most of our "choices" are just echoes. You're basically a collection of scripts written before you even knew how to tie your shoes.
The Brain’s Sticky Period
When you’re a kid, your brain is basically a sponge, but that's a boring metaphor. It's more like wet concrete. Everything that falls into it—a parent’s offhand comment about money, the way your older brother treated the dog, even the smell of the kitchen—leaves a permanent indentation. By the time you hit your twenties, that concrete is dry. You can still chip away at it, sure. But the shape is mostly set.
Neuroscience calls this "synaptic pruning." When we’re little, we have way more neural connections than we need. As we grow, the brain starts snipping the ones it doesn't use. It keeps the ones that help us survive our specific environment. If you grew up in a house where you had to be the "quiet one" to keep the peace, your brain built a literal superhighway for that behavior. It started when we were younger because that’s when the brain was most plastic.
Think about the work of Dr. Bruce Perry. He’s a psychiatrist who has spent decades looking at how childhood trauma and early experiences shape the brain’s "stress response system." He points out that the brain develops from the bottom up. The primitive parts—the ones that handle "fight or flight"—develop first. If those parts get wired for high stress early on, you’re going to be an anxious adult. It’s a physiological reality.
The Way We Love It Started When We Were Younger
Attachment theory is probably the biggest piece of this puzzle. It’s become a bit of a buzzword lately, but for good reason. John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth weren't just guessing when they developed this in the mid-20th century. They watched how babies reacted when their moms left the room and then came back.
If your caregiver was consistent and warm, you probably ended up with "secure attachment." You trust people. You don't freak out if someone doesn't text back in five minutes. But if things were unpredictable? You might be "anxious-preoccupied." Or maybe you’re "dismissive-avoidant," where you just shut down whenever things get too emotional.
It’s wild to think that your current relationship drama—the "why do I always date people who are bad for me?" stuff—was likely scripted when you were in a high chair. It's not a mystery. It started when we were younger because that's when we learned what "love" feels like. If love felt like "earning" attention, you'll spend your 30s trying to earn it from a boss or a partner who doesn't even like you that much.
Money, Success, and the "Lack" Mentality
Let's talk about the bank account. Why do some people with millions of dollars still shop at the discount bin and worry about being broke?
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Scarcity mindset is a beast.
If you grew up in a house where the power might get cut off or where parents fought about the mortgage every Tuesday night, that feeling of "not enough" gets hardwired. You can get an MBA and a six-figure salary, but the internal "alarm" doesn't care about your LinkedIn profile. It remembers the feeling of the empty fridge.
On the flip side, some people are reckless with money because they grew up in environments where "saving" didn't make sense—everything was going to be gone tomorrow anyway, so might as well spend it now. This stuff is deep. It’s not just "bad habits." It’s a survival strategy that outlived its usefulness.
Breaking the Cycle (Or at Least Recognizing It)
So, okay, it started when we were younger. Does that mean we’re screwed?
Not necessarily. But "positive thinking" isn't going to fix a neural pathway that's been reinforced for thirty years. You have to do the work of "re-parenting." It sounds kind of "woo-woo," but it’s actually just cognitive behavioral therapy in a different outfit.
You have to look at the behavior and ask: "Is this me, or is this the 7-year-old version of me trying to stay safe?"
The Role of Micro-Triumphs
Most people try to change their whole lives on January 1st. It never works. Why? Because you’re fighting decades of biological momentum.
If you want to change a pattern that started when we were younger, you have to start with tiny, almost stupidly small changes.
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- If you’re a people-pleaser, try saying "no" to something small. Like, don't go to that brunch you hate.
- If you’re avoidant, send one vulnerable text. Just one.
- If you’re a workaholic because your dad only praised you for your grades, try taking a Saturday off without checking email.
It’s going to feel wrong. Your brain will literally send out distress signals because you’re deviating from the "code" that kept you safe for so long.
Cultural Narratives and "The Way Things Are"
We also have to acknowledge that it's not just our parents. It's the culture.
The "hustle" culture of the 2020s didn't just appear. It’s the result of generations of "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" rhetoric that got filtered through the internet. Many of us were raised to believe that our value is tied to our productivity. That started when we were younger, too—the gold stars in kindergarten, the "gifted and talented" labels that became our entire identity.
When you strip that away, who are you? Most people have no idea. That’s the scary part of realizing how much of your personality is just socialized conditioning.
The Misconception of "Perfect" Childhoods
A common mistake people make is thinking, "My parents were great, so this doesn't apply to me."
Actually, even "good" childhoods create patterns. Maybe you were the "responsible one." Now, you're 40 and you're exhausted because you feel like you have to carry the weight of the whole world. Or maybe you were the "funny one," and now you can’t have a serious conversation without cracking a joke because you’re terrified of being boring.
No one gets out without some kind of programming. Recognizing that it started when we were younger isn't about blaming anyone. It’s about taking an inventory. It's like checking the specs on a car you bought used. You need to know if the alignment is off so you don't end up in a ditch.
Actionable Steps for Moving Forward
If you’re ready to actually deal with the stuff that started when we were younger, here is how you actually do it without getting lost in a sea of "self-help" nonsense.
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1. Audit your "Shoulds"
Spend a week writing down every time you say "I should..." (e.g., "I should stay late," "I should be further along in my career," "I should be married by now"). Look at that list. Whose voice is that? Is it yours? Or is it your third-grade teacher? Or your grandma? If it isn't yours, give yourself permission to delete it.
2. Trace the Emotional Origin
The next time you have a big emotional reaction that seems "too big" for the situation—like being devastated by a minor critique from a boss—stop. Close your eyes. When was the first time you felt that exact flavor of "not good enough"? Usually, a memory will pop up. That’s the root.
3. Practice "The Pause"
Between a stimulus and your response, there is a tiny gap. That gap is where your freedom lives. If your "script" says React with anger, try to sit in the gap for five seconds. Just five. It’s the first step in rewriting the neural pathway.
4. Seek "Corrective Experiences"
If you grew up thinking you couldn't trust people, you need to find one person you can trust and slowly let them in. You can't think your way out of a childhood wound; you have to experience your way out of it.
The reality is that while it started when we were younger, it doesn't have to end with us being victims of our own history. You are the architect now. The concrete might be dry, but you’ve got tools.
Start by looking at your current habits through the lens of your past. Don't judge them. Just observe. "Oh, look at that, I’m doing the thing again." That awareness is about 80% of the battle. The rest is just showing up for yourself in the ways your younger self needed someone to show up.
Stop trying to fix the "you" of today without understanding the "you" of twenty years ago. You’re not broken; you’re just operating on an outdated operating system. It's time for an update.