You’re at a wedding. Or maybe just scrolling through Instagram. Again. You see another announcement, another set of matching pajama photos, and that familiar, nagging thought creeps in: all the good ones are married. It’s a sentiment that has fueled a thousand romantic comedies and even more late-night vent sessions over drinks. But is it actually true? Or is your brain just playing a very specific, very annoying trick on you?
The frustration is real. Honestly, it’s exhausting.
When you’re single and looking for a meaningful connection, the dating pool can feel like it’s mostly shallow water and sharp rocks. You meet someone great, you click, and then—boom—there’s the wedding ring or the "we" in every sentence. It feels like a conspiracy. It’s not just you, though. Sociologists and psychologists have spent years looking into why the "quality" of the dating pool seems to drop as we get older.
The Math Behind the "All the Good Ones Are Married" Myth
Let’s look at the numbers because math doesn’t care about our feelings. There is a concept in economics and sociology called assortative mating. Basically, people with high "market value"—those who are emotionally stable, employed, and good communicators—tend to find each other and exit the dating market early.
They’re "easy" to date. So, they don't stay on the market for long.
Imagine a bucket of apples. If everyone reaches in and grabs the brightest, crispest ones first, what’s left after an hour? Mostly the ones with bruises or the ones that are a bit sour. This isn't to say single people are "bruised," but the high-demand individuals get snapped up quickly, creating a statistical imbalance. This is often referred to as the Settling Problem in mathematical circles.
According to data from the U.S. Census Bureau, the median age for first marriage has climbed to about 28 for women and 30 for men. This means that by the time you hit your mid-30s, a significant portion of the population that is "geared" toward long-term commitment is already off the board. You aren't imagining the scarcity. It’s a literal shrinking of the available pool.
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But wait. There’s a catch.
The "good ones" aren't just the ones who got married early. In fact, many people who married young did so because of social pressure or a lack of self-awareness, leading to the massive divorce rates we see today. The "good ones" are often the people who waited, worked on themselves, and are now re-entering the pool with more to offer.
Survival Bias and Your Brain
We also have to talk about survivorship bias. This is a cognitive shortcut where you focus on the people who "survived" a process—in this case, the people who successfully made it to the altar. You see a happy, stable couple and think, "See? They’re good, and they’re taken." You don’t see the thousands of "good" single people sitting at home or working late because they haven't found a match yet. They are invisible to the narrative.
When you think all the good ones are married, you are ignoring the millions of high-quality people who are single by choice, single by circumstance, or just recently single again.
The Personality Factor: Attachment Theory
If you’ve spent any time on "Relationship TikTok" or read a self-help book lately, you’ve heard of Attachment Theory. It was developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, and later popularized for adults by Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller in their book Attached.
This is where the "all the good ones are married" feeling gets some scientific backing.
- Secure Attachment: These people are comfortable with intimacy. They don't play games. They communicate. Because they are so "good" at relationships, they tend to get into them and stay in them.
- Anxious Attachment: These folks crave intimacy but are often worried their partner doesn't love them back.
- Avoidant Attachment: These people equate intimacy with a loss of independence. They pull away when things get close.
Here is the kicker: Securely attached people (the "good ones") are rarely single for long. When they become single, they find a new partner relatively quickly because they don't have a fear of commitment. This leaves a dating pool that is disproportionately filled with avoidant individuals.
If you are out there dating and feeling like everyone is flaky, distant, or "weird," you’re likely encountering a pool that has a high concentration of people who are biologically wired to keep you at arm’s length. It makes the few "secure" people out there look like unicorns.
Why Social Media Makes It Worse
Instagram is a liar. We know this, yet we still let it hurt our feelings.
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When you see a "good one" who is married, you are seeing a curated highlight reel. You see the vacation photos and the anniversary posts. You don't see the silent dinners, the arguments over whose turn it is to do the dishes, or the boredom that can settle into long-term domesticity.
We internalize a filtered version of marriage and compare it to the raw, unfiltered reality of being single. It's an unfair fight.
Also, the "Good One" designation is totally subjective. Someone might be a "good one" to their spouse because they share a specific hobby or a certain level of tolerance for each other’s quirks. That same person might be an absolute nightmare for you to date. We tend to project our own needs onto the strangers we see in happy photos.
"He looks like he listens," you think. Maybe he does. Or maybe he’s just good at staring blankly while his wife talks. You don't know!
The "Grass is Greener" Paradox
There is also a weird psychological phenomenon where we want what we can't have. A married person represents "stability" and "validation." When we see someone who has been "chosen," we automatically assign them a higher value.
It’s basically the same reason why a restaurant with a line out the door looks more appealing than the empty one next door, even if the food is exactly the same. We assume the "line" (the marriage) is a testament to the quality.
The Reality of the "Great Reset"
The idea that all the good ones are married assumes that marriage is a final destination. It isn't. People grow, people change, and people get divorced.
In 2026, the "Second Peak" of dating is a very real thing. There is a massive wave of high-quality, emotionally intelligent people hitting the market in their late 30s and 40s. These are people who have finished their "starter marriages," raised kids, or spent a decade building careers. They are "good ones" who are now single and looking for something more authentic.
If you feel like the pool is empty, you might just be looking in the wrong corner of the pond.
High Standards vs. Impossible Standards
Sometimes, the "all the good ones are married" line is a shield. It’s easier to say the world is broken than to admit that dating is hard and requires a lot of vulnerability. If we tell ourselves there are no good people left, we don't have to take the risk of going on another mediocre date.
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Are you looking for a "good" person, or are you looking for a perfect person who doesn't exist?
Real "good ones" are messy. They have baggage. They have weird habits. They aren't always the person who stands out in a crowded room or looks perfect in a tuxedo. Sometimes the good ones are the ones you initially overlooked because they didn't give you that immediate, toxic spark of anxiety that we often mistake for "chemistry."
How to Navigate a Shifting Dating Pool
So, what do you actually do when you’re stuck in this headspace? You can’t just wait for everyone to get divorced. (Well, you could, but that’s a bit dark).
First, stop looking for "The One" and start looking for "A Good One." The pressure to find a perfect match makes everyone look like a disappointment.
Second, expand your social circle beyond the "dating apps." The apps are designed to keep you scrolling, not to get you married. According to a 2023 Pew Research study, about 30% of U.S. adults have used a dating app, but a huge portion of those report feeling "burnout." People who are "good ones" are often burnt out on the apps too. They’re at the climbing gym, the pottery class, or the boring industry networking event.
Third, check your own attachment style. If you keep finding yourself attracted to people who are "taken" or "unavailable," you might be subconsciously avoiding intimacy yourself. It’s a safe way to "long" for a relationship without actually having to do the work of being in one.
Actionable Steps for the "Good Ones" Search
If you’re tired of feeling like you missed the boat, try these shifts in strategy:
- Audit Your "Must-Have" List: Take a hard look at your requirements. Are they based on character (honesty, kindness, reliability) or status (height, job title, aesthetic)? The "good ones" are usually defined by character, but we often filter them out based on status.
- Be the "Secure" Person: Instead of hunting for a secure partner, work on becoming one. Use resources like the Workshops by The Gottman Institute to understand what healthy conflict looks like. When you act securely, you attract secure people and repel the avoidant ones.
- Give the "Slow Burn" a Chance: Many "good ones" aren't flashy. They don't have the best opening lines on Tinder. They might be a little nervous on a first date. Give people a second or third chance if they seem like a decent human being, even if the "fireworks" aren't there immediately.
- Vocalize Your Intentions: Be the person who isn't afraid to say, "I'm looking for a real connection." It filters out the people who are just killing time and makes you a beacon for other "good ones" who are feeling just as frustrated as you are.
- Stop Centering Marriage: The more you obsess over the fact that others are married, the more you radiate a sense of lack. Focus on building a life that is "good" regardless of your relationship status. Ironically, that’s exactly when people tend to find their partners.
The pool isn't empty. It’s just changing. The "good ones" aren't a finite resource that ran out in 2019; they are everywhere, often feeling exactly the same way you do. Stop looking at the rings on other people's fingers and start looking at the people right in front of you. You might find that some of the best ones haven't even been discovered yet.