Relationships are basically a series of small moments that either build a bridge or dig a trench. You’ve probably heard the phrase it matters to her thrown around in advice columns or therapy sessions, but most people treat it like a cliché. It isn't. It’s actually the fundamental unit of emotional currency. When a partner says something matters, they aren't just filing a formal request for a specific behavior. They are testing the structural integrity of the relationship.
Does it matter? Yes.
If she mentions that she likes it when you text her when you're headed home, it’s not because she’s tracking your GPS coordinates like a hawk. It’s because that small ping of communication signals that she’s in your thoughts. Dr. John Gottman, a world-renowned researcher at the Gottman Institute, calls these "bids for connection." A bid is basically any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection. When you recognize that it matters to her, you are choosing to turn toward that bid rather than turning away.
The data is actually pretty startling. In Gottman's "Love Lab" studies, couples who stayed together six years later turned toward each other's bids 86% of the time. The ones who ended up in divorce court? They only did it 33% of the time. That’s a massive gap. It shows that the "little things" aren't actually little. They are the bricks.
The Science of Emotional Attunement
Emotional attunement is just a fancy way of saying you’re on the same wavelength. When something is a priority for a woman in a relationship, it’s often tied to her sense of security and being seen. It’s kinda like how a sensor works in a car. If the check engine light flickers and you ignore it because the car is still driving fine, you’re technically right in the short term. But eventually, that ignored sensor leads to a total breakdown on the side of the highway.
Why does it matter to her that you remembered her coworker’s name or that you picked up the specific brand of almond milk she likes? Because it proves you are paying attention to the details of her life.
Experts in neurobiology, like Dr. Dan Siegel, often talk about the concept of "feeling felt." It’s not enough to just be in the same room. You have to demonstrate that you perceive her internal state. When you dismiss something by saying "it’s not a big deal," you aren't just debating the facts of the situation. You are essentially telling her that her internal reality is wrong. That’s a fast track to resentment.
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Honestly, resentment is the silent killer of intimacy. It doesn't arrive with a bang; it’s more like a slow leak. Every time a need is expressed and then ignored because it "doesn't make sense" to the other person, the leak gets worse.
Small Wins and The "Mental Load"
We need to talk about the mental load. This is a huge reason why specific tasks or habits matter so much. The mental load is the invisible labor of managing a household and a life—remembering birthdays, knowing when the dog needs shots, realizing the paper towels are running low.
When she asks you to do something and says it matters to her, she’s often trying to offload a piece of that mental burden. If you forget or treat it as optional, you’ve just added "reminding you" to her to-do list. Now she’s not just doing the thing; she’s managing you. That’s exhausting.
Think about the "dishes by the sink" argument. It was never about the porcelain. It was about the fact that leaving them there sends a message: My time is more valuable than yours, and I expect you to handle the things I don't feel like doing. ### Real-world Examples of Bids for Connection:
- Sharing a funny meme (She wants to laugh with you).
- Pointing out a bird outside (She wants you to share her sense of wonder).
- Complaining about a boss (She wants validation, not necessarily a solution).
- Asking for help with a "minor" chore (She wants to feel like a team).
If you start looking at these moments as tests of "does it matter to her," your perspective shifts. It stops being an annoyance and starts being an opportunity to score points in the emotional bank account.
The Danger of "Logic-ing" Her Emotions
One of the biggest mistakes people make is trying to use logic to talk someone out of a feeling. If she says, "It really matters to me that we sit down for dinner without phones," and you respond with, "But I'm just checking the scores and it only takes five seconds," you've missed the point entirely.
You’re arguing about the five seconds. She’s talking about the connection.
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Validation doesn't mean you have to agree that the thing is objectively the most important thing in the world. It just means you agree that it is important to her. You can think a specific tradition is silly while still acknowledging that because it matters to her, it now matters to you by extension. That’s how partnership works. You adopt each other’s priorities because you value the person, even if you don't always value the specific task.
Practical Ways to Show You Care
So, how do you actually apply this without feeling like you're walking on eggshells? It’s simpler than you think. It requires a bit of a mindset shift from "fixing" to "witnessing."
- Active Listening Without the "But": When she expresses a need, listen to the whole thing. Don't start formulating your rebuttal while she's still talking.
- The 10-Minute Rule: Dedicate ten minutes a day to just talking about things that aren't logistics. No kids, no bills, no house repairs. Just her.
- Anticipate the Small Stuff: If you know she hates a cluttered entryway, clear it before she gets home. You're showing that you've internalized what matters to her without her having to ask again.
- The "Why" Inquiry: If you genuinely don't get why something is a big deal, ask with curiosity instead of judgment. Try: "I want to understand why this is important to you so I can make sure I get it right," instead of "Why do you care about this?"
Moving Forward With Intent
The reality is that relationships are fragile. They require constant maintenance. Recognizing that it matters to her is the first step in moving from a state of "roommates" back to a state of "partners." It’s about creating a culture of appreciation rather than a culture of critique.
Start by identifying one small thing she’s mentioned in the last week. Maybe it was a comment about the garden, or a frustration with a friend, or a wish for more quiet time. Take that one thing and treat it as the most important task on your list for the day.
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Don't wait for a grand occasion like an anniversary or a birthday to show you're invested. The real work happens in the mundane Tuesday afternoons. When you consistently show up for the small things, you build a reservoir of trust that will carry you through the big storms.
Pay attention to the recurring themes. If the same issue keeps coming up, it's not because she's "nagging." It's because the underlying need hasn't been met or validated yet. Address the root, not just the symptom. By doing so, you demonstrate that her world is a place you want to live in, not just a place you're passing through.