Ever walked into a room feeling like you’ve absolutely nailed it? Maybe you just closed a deal that everyone else fumbled, or perhaps you finally hit that fitness milestone after months of grinding. You want to scream it from the rooftops. But then that little voice in your head—the one shaped by years of social conditioning—whispers that you should probably tone it down. Because, honestly, it is hard to be humble when the world is constantly telling you to "brand yourself" while simultaneously judging you for having an ego.
It’s a weird paradox. We live in this hyper-competitive era where your LinkedIn profile needs to look like a superhero's resume, yet if you actually act like a superhero, people find you insufferable.
Humility isn't just about staying quiet. It's more complex than that. Researchers like Dr. Daryl Van Tongeren, an associate professor of psychology at Hope College, have spent years studying this. He suggests that humility is actually a "quiet virtue" that involves an accurate assessment of one's abilities. Notice he didn't say "low" assessment. He said accurate. But accuracy is exactly where we trip up. Our brains are literally wired to think we are better than average at almost everything.
The Biological Barrier to Staying Grounded
Biology is kind of a jerk when it comes to modesty.
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Have you ever heard of the Better-Than-Average Effect? Social psychologists have documented this for decades. In one famous study of University of Nebraska faculty, 68% rated themselves in the top 25% for teaching ability. Mathematically, that’s impossible. But it feels real. Our brains use a mechanism called self-serving bias to protect our self-esteem. When we succeed, we credit our genius. When we fail, we blame the "unfair" circumstances or a "glitchy" system.
This isn't just you being arrogant. It’s a survival mechanism.
Confidence gets you resources. It gets you mates. It gets you the promotion. Evolution didn't particularly care if you were "likable" at a dinner party; it cared if you had the bravado to lead a hunt or claim a territory. This creates a friction point in the modern world. We are using 200,000-year-old hardware to navigate a social landscape that prizes "servant leadership" and "vulnerability."
Why your brain hates being quiet about wins
When you achieve something big, your brain gets a massive hit of dopamine. It feels incredible. Sharing that success with others can actually trigger a similar neurochemical reward. But here’s the kicker: if you overshare, you risk social exclusion. Humans are social animals. We need the group to survive. If the group thinks you're a threat or an ego-maniac, they push you out. So, your brain is stuck in a tug-of-war between "Look at me, I'm great!" and "Please don't kick me out of the tribe."
No wonder it is hard to be humble. You’re fighting your own chemistry.
The Mac Davis Problem and Cultural Baggage
You can't talk about this topic without mentioning the 1980 hit song by Mac Davis. "Oh Lord, it's hard to be humble when you're perfect in every way." It was a joke, obviously, but it tapped into a universal truth. The song resonated because everyone knows that feeling of being "on a roll" where self-reflection feels like a chore.
Cultural expectations vary wildly here.
In some cultures, like those influenced by Confucianism in East Asia, humility is a foundational social pillar. You don't talk about yourself; you let your work or your family's reputation do the talking. Compare that to the "rugged individualism" of the United States or the "tall poppy syndrome" in Australia and the UK.
In Australia, if you stand too tall (like a tall poppy), someone is going to come along and snip you down to size. It’s a social mechanism to keep everyone level. But in the US, we often celebrate the "self-made" mogul who shouts their success from a literal golden tower. This cultural whiplash makes it even harder to know where the line is. Are you being humble, or are you just playing small?
Modern Ego in the Age of Personal Branding
Let's get real about social media.
How are you supposed to be humble when your entire career might depend on "building a personal brand"? If you don't talk about your wins on X (formerly Twitter) or LinkedIn, do they even exist? The digital economy rewards the loudest person in the room. This creates a "performative humility" that is arguably worse than straight-up bragging.
You've seen it. The "I am so incredibly humbled and honored to announce..." posts.
Is that humble? Usually not. It’s a "humblebrag." Dr. Ovul Sezer from Harvard Business School did some fascinating research on this. She found that people actually prefer an outright braggart to a humblebragger. Why? Because the humblebrag feels dishonest. It's an attempt to get the status of a win while pretending you don't care about the status. It’s fake. And humans are very good at sniffing out fake.
True humility isn't thinking less of yourself; it's thinking of yourself less. That’s a quote often attributed to C.S. Lewis, though it’s actually a paraphrase of his ideas in The Mere Christianity. It holds up. The difficulty lies in the fact that our modern tools—the phones in our pockets—are designed specifically to make us think about ourselves more.
The Trap of Comparison
Social media makes it is hard to be humble because it turns life into a leaderboard.
When you see someone else’s "perfect" life, you have two options to protect your ego:
- Diminish their achievement ("They probably had help").
- Hyper-inflate your own next achievement to "keep up."
Neither leads to a grounded sense of self.
Intellectually, Humility is a Competitive Advantage
If you want to be the smartest person in the room, you have to admit you don't know everything. This is called Intellectual Humility.
Google actually looks for this in hires. Laszlo Bock, the former Senior VP of People Operations at Google, famously said that "intellectual humility" is one of the top traits they seek. Why? Because without it, you can't learn. If you are too proud to admit you're wrong, you stop growing. You become a dinosaur.
Think about the most successful scientists. They don't fall in love with their theories; they try to prove themselves wrong. That is the peak of humility—placing the truth above your own ego. But man, is it painful. It’s physically uncomfortable to realize a project you spent six months on is a dead end. Most people will double down on a bad idea just to avoid the "humiliation" of being wrong.
How to Actually Practice Humility Without Being a Doormat
So, how do you handle this? How do you stay humble without becoming a "poverty-mindset" pushover? It’s about balance. You need enough ego to get out of bed and take risks, but enough humility to listen when someone tells you there’s a cliff ahead.
1. Audit your "I" statements
Next time you're talking about a win, look at how many times you use the word "I." It’s a simple trick. Start looking for the "we." Even if you did 90% of the work, acknowledging the 10% that came from a mentor, a lucky break, or a supportive partner keeps you grounded. It reminds you that you aren't an island.
2. Seek out "The Greats"
It’s easy to feel like a giant when you're surrounded by people who don't challenge you. If you feel your ego getting out of control, go find a room where you are the least experienced person. Go to a seminar, pick up a book by a Nobel laureate, or try a hobby you’re terrible at. Remind yourself how much you still have to learn.
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3. Practical Gratitude (The real kind)
Forget the "gratitude journals" if they feel cheesy to you. Just acknowledge the role of luck. Nassim Taleb, author of Fooled by Randomness, talks about how much of our success is just "noise" or luck. Admitting that you got a lucky bounce doesn't take away from your hard work, but it does prevent you from becoming a narcissist.
4. Celebrate others' wins—loudly
One of the best ways to kill an overactive ego is to spend your energy shouting about someone else’s success. It shifts the focus. It trains your brain to find joy in things that don't directly benefit your "brand."
Actionable Steps for the "Too Successful"
If you're struggling because you're genuinely doing well and find yourself getting a bit "full of it," try these three specific things tomorrow:
- Ask for feedback from a junior. Not a boss, not a peer. Someone "below" you in the hierarchy. Ask them what you could be doing better. And here’s the hard part: don't defend yourself. Just listen.
- The "Shadow" Win. Perform one high-impact task or act of kindness and tell absolutely nobody. No Instagram story. No casual mention to your spouse. Just let it be yours. It builds an internal sense of worth that doesn't rely on external validation.
- Own your mistakes publicly. If you mess up, don't bury it. Be the first one to point it out. It's incredibly disarming and it reinforces the idea that your value isn't tied to being perfect.
Ultimately, it is hard to be humble because humility is a choice we have to make every single day. It’s not a destination you reach. It’s a muscle that atrophies the moment you stop using it. You can be a high-achiever, a winner, and a leader—but you’ll be a much more effective one if you remember that, at the end of the day, you’re just another human trying to figure things out.