We’ve all done it. You’re staring at a blurry photo from a party you missed or scrolling through a thread about a historic moment, and that specific, nagging thought bubbles up: if i were there, things would have been different. It’s a weirdly universal human glitch. We live in an era where we can technically be "everywhere" through a glass screen, yet that physical absence feels heavier than ever. Honestly, it’s not just about FOMO. It’s about the fundamental way our brains process missed opportunities and the hypothetical versions of ourselves we construct in our heads.
Existence is local, but our awareness is global. That’s the friction point.
When you say if i were there, you aren’t just talking about GPS coordinates. You’re talking about agency. You’re imagining a version of yourself that has the power to change an outcome, comfort a friend, or witness history firsthand. This mental projection is what psychologists call counterfactual thinking. It’s the "what if" engine that drives human learning, but in the digital age, it’s been hyper-charged by constant connectivity. We see everything. We feel everything. But we aren't actually there to do anything about it.
The Science of Mental Time Travel
Why does the brain obsess over these scenarios? Dr. Ruth Byrne, a leading researcher in cognitive science and author of The Rational Imagination, has spent years looking at how people create mental alternatives to reality. Her work suggests that we don't just imagine anything; we follow "fault lines" in our reality. We tend to imagine changes to exceptional events rather than routine ones.
For example, if you missed a flight that later had an engine issue, your brain goes into overdrive. If i were there, would I have noticed the sound? Would I have been the one to stay calm? We focus on the pivots.
💡 You might also like: Why the Blue Jordan 13 Retro Still Dominates the Streets
- We focus on the most recent events in a chain.
- We imagine ourselves as the protagonist who fixes the broken link.
- We experience real physiological stress from these fake scenarios.
This isn't just daydreaming. It’s a survival mechanism. By simulating these "if i were there" moments, our ancestors learned how to avoid the same mistakes next time. But today, the "mistake" is often just being a human with a physical body that can't be in two places at once. It’s a mismatch between our Stone Age brains and our Star Trek-level information flow.
Social Media and the Illusion of Proximity
Social media has completely warped this. It creates a "thin" presence. You’re watching a live stream of a protest, a concert, or a family dinner. You see the steam rising from the food. You hear the bass. Your mirror neurons are firing like crazy, making you feel the vibe of the room. But you’re actually sitting in a dark apartment in a different time zone.
This creates a specific kind of cognitive dissonance. Because the sensory input is so rich, the "if i were there" feeling becomes more painful. It feels like you're just behind a pane of glass rather than miles away.
Research from the University of British Columbia on digital well-being suggests that this "passive consumption" of others' lives triggers higher levels of loneliness than if we hadn't seen the event at all. We aren't just missing out; we are witnessing our own absence. It’s a ghost-like feeling. You’re a spectator to a life you feel you should be participating in.
📖 Related: Sleeping With Your Neighbor: Why It Is More Complicated Than You Think
The Power of Physicality
Think about the difference between a Zoom funeral and being in the pews. Or watching a game on TV versus feeling the literal vibration of the crowd in the stadium. There is a "biological handshake" that happens when humans share space—pheromones, micro-expressions, the synchronization of heart rates.
When we lament if i were there, we are often mourning the loss of that biological sync. No amount of 8K resolution or haptic feedback can replace the chemical reality of physical presence. We know this instinctively. It’s why people still pay thousands of dollars to go to festivals when the live stream is free.
How to Handle the "If I Were There" Loop
If you find yourself stuck in a spiral of regret or hypothetical thinking, you have to break the simulation. Your brain is trying to solve a problem that doesn't exist anymore. The event is over. The distance is real.
- Acknowledge the Counterfactual: Tell yourself, "My brain is doing that thing where it tries to rewrite the past." Labeling it takes away some of its power.
- Ground Your Current Space: If you’re obsessing over a place you aren't, force yourself to engage with the place you are. Touch something cold. Smell something. Move your body.
- Audit Your Feed: If certain people or events constantly trigger that "if i were there" ache, mute them. It's not about being out of the loop; it's about protecting your sanity.
- Practice Radical Presence: The only way to stop worrying about where you aren't is to be intensely where you are.
We live in a world that tries to pull our attention in a thousand directions. It wants us to feel like we're missing something. But the truth is, the most important place is wherever your feet are right now. The "if i were there" version of you is a ghost. The "here" version of you is the only one who can actually do something.
👉 See also: At Home French Manicure: Why Yours Looks Cheap and How to Fix It
Stop living in the hypothetical. The reality you’re actually in is the only one that needs you. Focus on the people who are in the room with you, the work that's in front of you, and the physical world you can actually touch. That’s how you shut down the noise.
Actionable Insights for Modern Presence
To stop the cycle of "if i were there" regret, start by limiting your exposure to "high-presence" digital content—like long-form live streams or real-time stories—when you're already feeling isolated. Instead, pivot to asynchronous communication like voice notes or emails, which don't mimic the "real-time" pressure of being physically present. When you do find yourself stuck in a "what if" loop, use the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique: identify 5 things you see, 4 you can touch, 3 you hear, 2 you smell, and 1 you can taste. This forces your brain's executive function to prioritize your current environment over the imagined one. Finally, schedule "analog windows" where you leave your phone in another room; you can't wonder what it would be like there if you aren't constantly being reminded that there exists.