You know the song. Honestly, even if you think you don't, you probably do. It starts with that casual acoustic strumming and two guys—Steven Page and Ed Robertson—basically having a conversation over a melody. It isn't a power ballad. It isn't a slickly produced pop anthem designed to dominate TikTok trends that didn't exist in 1988. If I Had a $1,000,000 is a rambling, funny, and weirdly sentimental list of things two Canadian guys would buy if they suddenly hit the jackpot.
It’s about Kraft Dinner. It’s about fancy ketchups. It's about a monkey.
But there is a reason this track by Barenaked Ladies became a multi-platinum staple and a core memory for an entire generation. It captures a very specific type of middle-class dreaming that feels more grounded than the "private jet and gold toilet" fantasies we see on Instagram today. Back then, a million dollars felt like "forever" money. Now? It might buy you a nice bungalow in Toronto or a two-bedroom condo in Vancouver if you're lucky.
The charm hasn't faded, though. If anything, the song has aged into a nostalgic time capsule of what it meant to be young, broke, and full of weird ideas.
The Origin Story of a Canadian Anthem
The song wasn't some calculated studio hit. It actually predates the band's massive commercial success with Gordon. It first appeared on their early demo tapes, most notably the famous "Yellow Tape" in 1991. If you go back and listen to those early versions, the chemistry between Page and Robertson is already there. It feels improvised because, in many ways, it was.
The banter isn't scripted. It’s just two friends trying to make each other laugh.
When Barenaked Ladies finally released it on their debut studio album, Gordon, in 1992, it became a runaway success in Canada. It’s hard to overstate how much this song defined the Canadian music identity in the early 90s. It was quirky, self-deprecating, and fiercely uncool in the coolest way possible. While Seattle was giving us grunge and angst, Scarborough was giving us songs about buying a fur coat (but not a real fur coat, that’s cruel).
Why the "Banter" Sections Matter
Most pop songs are tightly edited. Producers usually cut the fat to keep the radio play under three and a half minutes. If I Had a $1,000,000 ignores all those rules. The song is full of "asides."
- "But we would eat more!"
- "Of course we would, we’d just eat more."
- "And buy really expensive ketchups with it."
- "That’s right, all the fanciest ketchups... Dijon ketchups!"
These moments make the song feel human. You aren't just listening to a track; you’re eavesdropping on a friendship. It’s that authenticity that allowed it to cross borders. While it took a few more years for the band to truly "break" the United States with "One Week," this song was the underground bridge that built their cult following at colleges across North America.
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Breaking Down the Shopping List: Then vs. Now
Let's talk about the actual stuff they wanted to buy. It's a hilarious mix of the mundane and the absurd.
The House: In the early 90s, a million dollars got you a mansion. Today, depending on where you live, it gets you a down payment and a handshake. There is something deeply funny about the line "I'd buy you a house." It's the ultimate romantic gesture for a broke musician.
The Kraft Dinner: This is the most Canadian lyric ever written. For those outside the Great White North, Kraft Dinner (KD) is more than just mac and cheese; it's a staple of the student diet. The joke in the song is that even with a million dollars, they wouldn't stop eating it. They’d just eat more of it. It’s a refusal to let money change your soul, even if it changes your pantry.
The Exotic Pets: A llama? An emu? A monkey? This is where the song dives into the "new money" tropes. But they don't want a tiger like Mike Tyson; they want a monkey. Why? Because it's funny.
The John Merrick Remains: This is the weirdest line in the song. "If I had a million dollars, I'd buy your remains (if I had a million dollars, I'd buy your bones)." It’s a reference to Joseph Merrick, the "Elephant Man." It’s dark, unexpected, and fits perfectly with the band's slightly twisted sense of humor.
The Kraft Dinner Phenomenon at Live Shows
If you ever went to a Barenaked Ladies concert between 1992 and about 2012, you witnessed something chaotic. During the "If I Had a $1,000,000" performance, the audience would wait for the line about Kraft Dinner.
Then, they would pelt the stage with boxes of it.
Thousands of boxes of dry pasta flying through the air. It was a tradition. It was also, eventually, a nightmare. The band had to eventually ask fans to stop because getting hit in the face with a corner of a cardboard box of macaroni hurts. A lot. Plus, it was a massive waste of food.
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Eventually, the band pivoted. They started asking fans to donate the boxes to local food banks at the venue entrance instead of throwing them. It was a class move that turned a quirky concert tradition into something that actually helped people. It’s a testament to the kind of relationship Barenaked Ladies had with their "Ladies" (as the fans were called).
The Economics of the Song: Is a Million Enough?
We have to address the elephant—or the llama—in the room. Inflation.
$1,000,000 in 1992 is roughly equivalent to about $2.2 million in 2026.
If Steven and Ed were writing the song today, the list would have to be much shorter. You couldn't get the house, the furniture, the car, the monkey, the treehouse, and the remains of the Elephant Man for a million bucks. You’d probably run out of cash somewhere between the "fancy ketchups" and the "reliable automobile."
There is a subtle melancholy to listening to the song now. It represents a time when a million dollars was "quit your job and live on an island" money. Now, it's "maybe I can retire at 65" money. Yet, the song doesn't feel dated. The feeling of wanting to provide for someone—"I'd buy you a green dress, but not a real green dress, that's cruel"—remains universal.
The "Green Dress" Mystery
Wait, why would a real green dress be cruel?
This is one of those lyrics fans have debated for decades. Some think it's a reference to the fashion industry. Others think it's just a joke about how "real" green dresses are ugly. In reality, it’s mostly just Steven and Ed riffing. The beauty of the song is that it doesn't have to make sense. It’s a stream of consciousness.
Why It Still Works for Modern Audiences
You’ll still hear this song at weddings. You’ll hear it at karaoke. You’ll hear it in grocery stores. Why?
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- Simplicity: The chord progression (G - C - D) is something any kid with a guitar can play. It’s accessible.
- Participation: It’s a call-and-response song. You can’t help but sing the "If I had a million dollars" part back at the speakers.
- Lack of Ego: Most songs about wealth are about boasting. This song is about sharing. "I'd buy you a house." "I'd buy you furniture." It’s a love song disguised as a comedy track.
It also represents the peak of the "Alternative Adult Contemporary" era. Before the internet completely fragmented our culture, we had these weird, shared touchstones. This song was one of them. It’s a piece of 90s sunshine that hasn't been dimmed by the cynicism of the modern era.
Technical Nuance: The Harmony and Structure
While it sounds like a simple folk song, the vocal harmonies between Page and Robertson are actually quite sophisticated. Steven Page’s operatic range and Ed Robertson’s steady, rhythmic delivery create a tension that keeps the song moving.
They use a standard verse-chorus structure but break it up with the spoken-word sections. This "breakdown" style became a signature for the band. It allows the song to breathe. It doesn't feel like a product; it feels like a performance.
Even the ending—where they just keep listing things until the song fades out—mimics the way people actually talk about their dreams. We don't have a clean "ending" to our fantasies. We just keep adding "oh, and I'd buy this, and I'd buy that" until we get distracted by something else.
Actionable Takeaways for BNL Fans and Songwriters
If you're looking to dive deeper into the world of If I Had a $1,000,000, or if you're a songwriter trying to capture that same magic, here is what you should do:
- Listen to the "Yellow Tape" version: Compare it to the Gordon version. You can hear the evolution of the jokes and the tightening of the arrangement. It's a masterclass in how a song grows over time through live performance.
- Analyze the "Conversational" Lyric Style: If you're a writer, notice how they use specific brands (Kraft Dinner, K-Car). Specificity is always more interesting than generalities. Instead of saying "I'd buy you a car," they say "A nice reliable automobile." It adds character.
- Check out the 2020 "Selfie Cam" Performance: During the pandemic, the band (minus Steven Page, who left in 2009) did a remote version. It shows how the song has transitioned into a "legacy" hit that still brings people joy even when the world is falling apart.
- Don't overthink the "Meaning": Sometimes a song is just a song. The Barenaked Ladies were masters of not taking themselves too seriously. In a world of "deep" and "gritty" art, there is immense value in being the band that sings about monkeys and ketchup.
The song reminds us that while money can buy you a lot of things—including a literal treehouse with a tiny fridge—it can't buy the kind of chemistry that makes a song like this work. That comes from years of touring in a van, eating actual Kraft Dinner, and genuinely liking the person you're singing with.
To get the full experience, put on the high-fidelity version of Gordon, grab a bowl of mac and cheese, and appreciate the fact that you don't actually need a million dollars to have a good time. But the fancy ketchup? That might be worth the investment.