It starts with a flicker. Maybe you’re standing at a high ledge and a voice whispers, jump. Or you’re holding a kitchen knife and your brain shows you a horrific image of hurting someone you love. Suddenly, your heart is hammering against your ribs. Your throat tightens. You look at your hands and they feel like they don't belong to you. That heavy, sickening realization hits: and i feel like a monster.
But here is the thing. You aren't.
Actually, the fact that you feel like a monster is usually the strongest evidence that you are a decent human being. Genuine "monsters"—people with clinical psychopathy or those who truly enjoy causing harm—don't spend their Tuesday nights Googling why they feel like terrible people. They don't feel the weight of moral guilt. They don't feel the "ick" of a bad thought. If you’re distressed by your own mind, your moral compass is actually functioning at a very high frequency. It’s just that the signal is getting jammed by anxiety, trauma, or a glitch in the way our brains process "threats."
The "Glitchy" Brain: Why Intrusive Thoughts Lie to You
Most people think their thoughts are a direct reflection of their character. This is a psychological trap called "thought-action fusion." It’s the mistaken belief that thinking about something is just as bad as doing it, or that thinking about an event makes it more likely to happen.
Dr. Sally Winston and Dr. Martin Seif, leading experts on anxiety, have spent years explaining that intrusive thoughts are "ego-dystonic." That’s a fancy clinical way of saying the thoughts are the opposite of what you actually want or believe.
If you are a gentle person, your intrusive thoughts will likely be violent. If you value your faith, they might be blasphemous. The brain isn't "revealing" your dark side; it’s identifying what you find most repellent and then using that to trigger a massive "what if?" alarm. It’s basically your amygdala going into overdrive. It identifies your greatest fear and then presents it to you as a possibility just to see if you're "ready" for it.
The more you fight it, the stickier it gets. Imagine I tell you right now: Do not think about a pink elephant. What are you seeing? A pink elephant. Now, imagine that instead of a pink elephant, it’s a thought about hurting someone. You try to push it away. You panic. The brain sees that panic and says, "Oh, this thought must be really important because we’re reacting so strongly to it! Let's keep it at the front of the line."
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That loop is how the "and i feel like a monster" sentiment takes root. It’s not a character flaw. It’s a biological feedback loop.
Moral Injury and the Weight of the Past
Sometimes it isn't about a random thought. Sometimes it's about something you actually did. This is where we move away from OCD or anxiety and into the territory of moral injury.
The term was originally coined to describe veterans returning from war, but it’s been expanded to include anyone who has survived a situation where they had to violate their own deeply held moral values to survive or cope. Maybe you were a "mean girl" in high school. Maybe you stayed in a relationship where you weren't your best self. Maybe you made a mistake at work that hurt someone's livelihood.
When your actions don't align with your identity, the cognitive dissonance is agonizing. You start to view your entire history through the lens of your worst moment.
But humans are messy. We are incredibly bad at being "consistent." Most of us are walking contradictions. We are capable of profound kindness in the morning and biting sarcasm by dinner. If you’re stuck in the "monster" phase of moral injury, you’re likely stuck in "all-or-nothing" thinking. You’re ignoring the 98% of your life that was honorable because the 2% that wasn't is screaming the loudest.
The Role of Post-Partum and Hormonal Shifts
I’ve talked to so many new mothers who whisper, "I feel like a monster," because they are having terrifying thoughts about their babies. This is incredibly common and tragically under-discussed. Postpartum OCD and anxiety can manifest as "harm intrusions."
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Hormones like estrogen and progesterone drop off a cliff after birth, and the brain’s "protection" systems go into overdrive. If the brain thinks, The baby is fragile, don't drop them, it can accidentally generate a vivid image of the baby being dropped.
Because we live in a society that expects mothers to be glowing icons of serenity, these women stay silent. They think if they tell a doctor, their kids will be taken away. In reality, these are "protective" thoughts gone haywire. They are a sign of a hyper-vigilant parent, not a dangerous one.
How to Stop Feeling Like a Monster
If you’re trapped in this headspace, you need a toolkit that isn't just "positive thinking." Positive thinking is useless when you feel like a villain. You need radical acceptance and cognitive restructuring.
First, stop arguing with the thoughts. When a "monster" thought pops up, don't say, "I would never do that! I'm a good person!" That’s just feeding the beast. Instead, try being bored by it. Say, "Oh, there’s that weird thought again. Thanks, brain, for trying to be helpful and scary. Moving on." This is a core tenet of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). You acknowledge the thought exists without giving it power.
Second, look at the evidence. If you were actually a monster, would you be reading an article about how to be better? Would you be feeling this much pain? Real malevolence is characterized by a lack of empathy, not an abundance of it. Your pain is the proof of your empathy.
Third, distinguish between "guilt" and "shame."
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- Guilt says: "I did something bad."
- Shame says: "I am bad."
Guilt is actually useful—it’s the social glue that helps us make amends. Shame is toxic; it just makes you want to hide. If you’ve actually done something wrong, apologize. Make it right. But don't let shame tell you that your essence is permanently tainted.
Moving Toward Radical Self-Compassion
It sounds cheesy, but compassion is the only way out. If a friend came to you with these same fears, would you call them a monster? Would you tell them they were irredeemable? Probably not. You’d likely see their struggle, their humanity, and their fear.
Why don't you deserve that same grace?
We are living through a time where everyone's mistakes are recorded and the internet is a permanent judge. It’s easy to feel like one wrong move makes you "canceled" as a human being. But the human brain wasn't built for that kind of scrutiny. We were built to make mistakes, feel bad, learn, and try again.
Actionable Steps for Today
If the "monster" feeling is overwhelming you right now, do these three things:
- Label the process, not the content. Instead of saying, "I just thought about something horrible," say, "I am experiencing an intrusive thought." This creates distance between your self and the event.
- Physical Grounding. When the shame spiral hits, your body is in fight-or-flight. Drink a glass of ice-cold water or hold an ice cube. The intense physical sensation forces your brain to snap out of the abstract "shame" world and back into the physical "now" world.
- Check your "Safety Behaviors." Are you constantly asking people for reassurance ("Do you think I'm a good person?") or avoiding certain places because of your thoughts? These behaviors actually reinforce the fear. Try to sit with the discomfort for five minutes without seeking reassurance. You’ll find the anxiety eventually peaks and then starts to drop on its own.
Ultimately, the goal isn't to never have a "bad" thought again. That's impossible. The goal is to reach a point where a dark thought can pass through your mind like a cloud, and you can watch it go by without believing it says anything at all about who you are. You are the sky, not the clouds. Even when the clouds look like monsters, the sky remains what it has always been: vast, open, and fundamentally okay.
Take a breath. You're still here. You're still human. And that’s enough.
Practical Resources
- The International OCD Foundation (IOCDF): Incredible resources for understanding intrusive thoughts.
- Self-Compassion.org: Dr. Kristin Neff’s site for guided exercises to break the shame cycle.
- Crisis Text Line: If the feeling of being a "monster" is leading to thoughts of self-harm, text HOME to 741741. There is no judgment there, only support.