The urge is visceral. It’s that hot, prickling heat in your chest when you see they’ve already posted a photo with someone new, or worse, when you realize they’re just... fine. Living their life. Going to brunch. You want to even the score. You want them to feel exactly the vacuum of space they left in your living room. Honestly, learning how to get back at ex partners is one of the most searched topics in the relationship sphere because humans are hardwired for justice. We want the scales to balance.
But here’s the thing. Most people go about it in a way that actually gives their ex more power. If you’re stalking their Instagram at 2 a.m. from a burner account, they’re still winning. They’re occupying your mental real estate without paying rent.
The Psychological Trap of the Revenge Fantasy
Psychologists have a name for this. It’s often linked to "narcissistic injury," though you don’t have to be a narcissist to feel it. When someone rejects us, it feels like a literal physical wound. A study published in the Journal of Neurophysiology by Dr. Helen Fisher found that the brains of the heartbroken show activity in the same regions associated with physical pain and cocaine withdrawal. You are quite literally detoxing from a person.
When you’re in withdrawal, your brain makes bad decisions.
You might think that sleeping with their best friend or keying their car—though please, for the love of your legal record, don't do that—will provide catharsis. It doesn't. Dr. Kevin Carlsmith, a social psychologist, conducted research suggesting that people who seek revenge actually stay "stuck" in their negative emotions longer than those who don't. By focusing on how to get back at ex lovers, you’re keeping the wound open. You’re picking at the scab to show them how much it bleeds.
It’s messy. It’s human. It’s also a total waste of your time.
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The Glow-Up: Why Success is the Only Move
You’ve heard it a thousand times: "Success is the best revenge." It sounds like a Hallmark card. It sounds annoying. But it’s the only strategy that actually works because it shifts the focus from them back to you.
Think about the "Glow-Up." This isn't just about losing ten pounds or getting a fresh haircut, though a good fade or a blowout never hurt anyone. A real glow-up is about reclaiming the parts of yourself you shushed to make the relationship work. Did you stop painting because they thought it was messy? Buy some canvases. Did you stop going to that specific dive bar because they hated the music? Go there. Get a drink. Laugh loudly.
Radical Indifference
There is a massive difference between "acting" like you don't care and actually not caring.
If you post a "thirst trap" specifically so they see it, you are still performing for an audience of one. That’s not revenge; that’s a plea for attention. True revenge is when you realize three days have passed and you haven’t checked their "Last Seen" status on WhatsApp. That is the moment you win. You have to cultivate what researchers call "dispositional forgiveness," which isn't about being a saint. It's about being selfish with your peace.
Digital Warfare and Why You Should Call a Ceasefire
Social media has made breakups infinitely more toxic. Back in the day, you just didn’t see them. Now, you’re forced to see their "New Chapter" captions and their "Blessed" hashtags.
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- The Mute Button is Your Friend. You don't have to block them if that feels too dramatic or "petty," but you absolutely must mute them. Out of sight, out of mind is a cliché for a reason. It works.
- Stop the "Sub-posting." Posting cryptic song lyrics about betrayal is a neon sign that says "I am still thinking about you." It’s embarrassing. Don't do it.
- The "No Contact" Rule. This is the gold standard for a reason. 30 days. No texts. No "I found your hoodie" emails. If you have the hoodie, donate it or burn it. If it’s expensive, mail it. Do not use it as a tether.
When Revenge Becomes Dangerous (The Legal Side)
Let’s get real for a second. There is a line.
Crossing into harassment, revenge porn, or property damage isn't just "getting back" at someone; it’s a crime. In many jurisdictions, "revenge porn"—distributing intimate images without consent—is a felony. If your plan for how to get back at ex involves anything that could land you in front of a judge, stop. You’re about to let a bad breakup ruin your entire future. No ex is worth a criminal record or a restraining order.
Focus on the "Grey Rock" method if you have to interact (like if you share kids or a dog). Become as boring as a grey rock. Give one-word answers. Don't engage in their drama. If they try to bait you into an argument, don't take it. Your lack of reaction will frustrate them more than any insult ever could.
Reclaiming the Narrative
A breakup is a story. Right now, the story is "I got dumped/hurt and I'm mad." You need to change the protagonist's arc.
I remember a friend who was devastated after a five-year relationship ended. He spent months planning ways to ruin his ex's reputation in their social circle. He was miserable. He looked haggard. Finally, he took all that spiteful energy and put it into a marathon. By the time he crossed the finish line four months later, he realized he hadn't thought about his revenge plan in weeks. He had a new community, a better physique, and a sense of pride that had nothing to do with her.
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That's the pivot.
Actionable Steps for Moving Forward
If you are currently reeling and looking for a way to settle the score, do these things instead:
- The "Venting Letter": Write down every single thing you hate about them. Every annoying habit, every time they let you down, every red flag you ignored. Be brutal. Then, burn the paper. Don't send it. The act of writing it gets it out of your nervous system.
- Financial Independence: If the breakup left you in a lurch, the best way to get back at them is to get your money right. Start a side hustle, ask for that raise, or finally learn how to budget. Nothing says "I'm better off" like a thriving bank account.
- New Experiences: Go somewhere you never went with them. Your brain associates certain places with your ex. You need to create new "neural maps" where they don't exist.
- Professional Help: Sometimes, the best way to move on is to talk to a therapist who can help you figure out why you’re so attached to the idea of revenge. Often, it’s a mask for deep-seated grief.
The Mirror Test
Look in the mirror. Are you becoming a version of yourself you like? Or are you becoming bitter, cynical, and obsessive? Revenge usually turns the seeker into a monster they wouldn't have recognized a year ago.
Don't let them take your character along with your time.
The most profound way to get back at an ex is to reach a point where you genuinely wish them well—or better yet, where you don't wish them anything at all because you're too busy enjoying your own life. Indifference is the ultimate power move.
Next Steps for Your Recovery
Take the next 48 hours and go completely dark on social media. No checking stories, no posting, no lurking. Spend that time doing one thing you stopped doing during the relationship. Whether it’s playing video games until 3 a.m., eating garlic bread for dinner, or visiting a museum they found boring, reclaim your space. The road to getting over someone starts with the first step of putting yourself back on the pedestal you kept them on.