It is blistering outside. You step off the porch and the humidity hits you like a wet wool blanket. Before you can even think, that old, crusty phrase pops into your head: it’s hotter than a witches teat.
Where did that even come from? Honestly, it’s one of those idioms that makes zero sense if you actually stop to think about it for more than two seconds. We use it to describe those dog days of summer when the asphalt is melting and the air conditioner is screaming for mercy. But if you look at the history of folk sayings, the "witches" metaphors usually go the other direction. You’ve probably heard people say it’s "colder than a witch’s heart" or even colder than the specific anatomy we’re talking about here.
Language is messy. People are weird. We take phrases, flip them upside down, and suddenly everyone is saying it’s hotter than a witches teat just because it sounds evocative and slightly scandalous.
The Confusion Between Heat and Ice
If you grew up in the South or the Midwest, you’ve heard this a thousand times. But here is the thing: the original idiom is almost always about the cold. Folklorists like those at the American Folklore Society have tracked these kinds of "well-diggers" and "witches" metaphors for decades. Historically, a witch’s anatomy was supposed to be icy cold because of their supposed pacts with dark forces.
So, why do we say it’s hot?
Basically, it’s linguistic drift. Humans love hyperbole. When it’s 105 degrees in the shade, "it’s hot" doesn't quite capture the feeling of your skin fusing to a leather car seat. We reach for the most intense imagery available. Because the "witch’s" phrase is already coded in our brains as a descriptor for extreme conditions, we just swap the temperature. It’s like how people say "I could care less" when they actually mean they couldn't care less. Logic takes a backseat to rhythm and impact.
Regional Variations and the "Brass Monkey" Problem
Language isn't a monolith. In parts of the UK, you might hear "hot enough to melt the handles off a tea urn." In Australia, things get even more colorful and usually involve sweat and various farm animals. But in the United States, the witch remains the go-to figure for atmospheric misery.
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There’s also the "brass monkey" comparison. You know the one: "cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey." There is a persistent urban legend that this refers to brass trays used to hold cannonballs on ships. The story goes that the brass would contract in the cold, causing the iron balls to fall off. It’s a total myth. Naval historians, including experts from the National Maritime Museum, have pointed out that "monkeys" weren't used that way, and the physics don't really hold up. It’s just another example of how we invent "logical" backstories for phrases that are actually just nonsense slang. The same thing applies when we claim it's hotter than a witches teat. We don't need a logical reason for it to be hot; we just like the way the words feel when we're complaining.
The Science of Why We Feel So Miserable
It isn't just the number on the thermometer. When we’re complaining that it’s hotter than a witches teat, we’re usually reacting to the Heat Index.
The National Weather Service uses the Heat Index to measure "apparent temperature." This is what it actually feels like to the human body when relative humidity is combined with the air temperature. When the humidity is high, your sweat doesn't evaporate. If your sweat doesn't evaporate, your body can't cool itself. You become a walking radiator that can't vent.
- Dry Heat: Your sweat evaporates instantly. You stay cooler, but you dehydrate faster.
- Humid Heat: You feel slimy, heavy, and irritable. This is "witch’s teat" weather.
- The Danger Zone: Once the heat index hits 103°F, you are at real risk for heat exhaustion.
The physiological response to extreme heat actually triggers irritability. There is a genuine psychological link between high temperatures and a "short fuse." Researchers have found that violent crime rates often tick upward during heatwaves. So, when you’re using aggressive, weird idioms to describe the weather, you’re literally expressing your body’s stressed-out state.
Why Do These Sayings Stick Around?
We live in an age of hyper-accurate digital thermometers and localized weather apps that give us minute-by-minute updates. Yet, we still use phrases from the 1800s.
It’s about community.
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Using an idiom like hotter than a witches teat is a way of bonding over shared suffering. It’s a linguistic "ugh, me too." If you say "It’s 98 degrees with 70% humidity," you sound like a weather bot. If you use a salty old folk saying, you sound like a neighbor.
The Evolution of the "Witch" in Pop Culture
Think about how our view of witches has changed. We went from the terrifying hags of the Salem trials to Sabrina and Wicked. In the original context of the 17th century, calling something "witch-like" was a genuine insult or a sign of fear. Today, it’s just a bit of kitsch.
This shift allows us to use these phrases more loosely. We aren't thinking about the Malleus Maleficarum when we’re standing at a gas station in July. We’re just looking for a way to say "I am melting" without being boring.
How to Actually Survive a Heatwave
When the weather gets to that extreme point, you need more than just colorful language. You need a plan. People underestimate heat because it’s "just the weather," but it kills more people in the U.S. annually than hurricanes, lightning, tornadoes, and floods combined.
Pre-cooling is your friend. If you know a heatwave is coming, don't wait until your house is a furnace to turn on the AC. Cool the "thermal mass" of your home early. Keep the curtains closed on the sunny side of the house. It feels like living in a cave, but it works.
Hydration isn't just water. If you’re sweating buckets, you’re losing electrolytes. Salt, potassium, and magnesium. If you drink gallons of plain water without replacing salt, you can actually end up with hyponatremia, which is dangerous. Eat a salty snack or grab a sports drink.
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The "Ice Point" Trick. If you don't have AC, put a bowl of ice in front of a fan. It sounds low-tech because it is, but the phase change of the ice melting absorbs heat from the air, and the fan pushes that cooler air directly at you. It can drop the immediate temperature by several degrees.
What Most People Get Wrong About Extreme Heat
There’s a common misconception that you’ll "get used to it." Acclimation is real, but it takes about two weeks of consistent exposure for your body to start producing more sweat and dilating blood vessels more efficiently. You can’t just "tough it out" during a three-day spike.
Also, fans don't cool air. They cool people. A fan blowing in an empty room is just wasting electricity. Fans work by moving air over your skin to facilitate evaporation. If the air temperature is higher than your body temperature (around 98.6°F) and the humidity is high, a fan can actually make you hotter by blowing hot air onto you like a convection oven. At that point, you need moisture—a damp cloth on your neck—to make the fan effective.
What to Do Next
The next time you find yourself saying it’s hotter than a witches teat, take it as a signal to slow down. Your brain is literally telling you that the environment is extreme.
- Check your pee. Seriously. If it’s dark, you’re already dehydrated. Aim for "pale straw" color.
- Monitor the "Wet Bulb" temperature. This is a specific measurement that accounts for how much cooling can happen through evaporation. If the wet-bulb temperature hits 95°F (35°C), humans cannot survive for long, regardless of how much water they drink.
- Check on your neighbors. The elderly and those with heart conditions are the first to suffer when the grid gets stressed.
- Embrace the idiom. Language is fun. Use the weird phrases. Just make sure you’re doing it from the safety of the shade with a cold drink in your hand.
Extreme heat is becoming more frequent. Whether you call it a heat dome, a scorcher, or use the "witch" comparison, the reality is the same: your body has limits. Respect the sun, stay inside during the peak hours of 10 AM to 4 PM, and remember that no matter how hot it gets, autumn is eventually coming. Even if it doesn't feel like it when the pavement is shimmering.