We’ve all heard the term. It gets tossed around at graduation ceremonies, in HR handbooks, and during those awkward "tell me about yourself" interview questions. But if you actually stop to think about what's a role model in the context of the 2020s, the picture gets a little blurry. Is it a TikToker with a ten-step morning routine? A billionaire who sleeps four hours a night? Or maybe just your aunt who managed to go back to law school at fifty?
Honestly, the definition has shifted.
Originally, the term "role model" was coined by sociologist Robert K. Merton. He wasn't talking about celebrities. He was looking at how people in specific social roles—like doctors or students—imitate the behavior of those more experienced than them. It was about professional socialization. Today, we’ve morphed it into something much more personal and, frankly, a bit more chaotic. We often confuse "someone I admire" with a role model, but they aren't the same thing. You can admire a musician’s talent without ever wanting to replicate their lifestyle. A true role model provides a blueprint for your own actions.
Defining the blueprint: What's a role model anyway?
Think of a role model as a lighthouse. It doesn’t tell you how to sail your boat, but it shows you where the rocks are and where the harbor is. At its core, a role model is someone whose behavior, examples, or success is emulated by others, especially by younger people. But here is the thing: it’s not about being a clone.
Social Learning Theory, developed by Albert Bandura, suggests that we learn through observation, imitation, and modeling. It’s one of the most fundamental ways humans evolve. If you see someone handle a high-stress situation with grace, you’re more likely to try that approach yourself next time you’re losing it.
There are different flavors of this.
You’ve got your positive role models, who show us what to strive for. Think of someone like Malala Yousafzai, whose commitment to education despite extreme personal risk sets a standard for courage. Then there are negative role models. These are actually super useful. They show us exactly who we don't want to be. They are the cautionary tales. Watching a brilliant executive burn out because they ignored their family and health can be just as instructive as watching a successful one find balance.
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The danger of the "Perfect Human" myth
The biggest mistake people make is looking for a role model who is perfect in every department. That person doesn’t exist.
If you look at Steve Jobs, you see a visionary who changed how we interact with technology. That’s a role model for innovation. But if you look at his early management style or how he initially treated his family, you might decide not to model those specific behaviors. This is what experts call "mosaic modeling." You take the work ethic from one person, the empathy from another, and the fitness discipline from a third. You build a composite.
Research published in the Journal of Economic Psychology actually suggests that "superstars" can sometimes be demotivating if their success feels too far out of reach. If you’re a struggling artist and your only role model is Picasso, the gap might feel so vast that you just give up. This is why attainable role models—people just a few steps ahead of you—are often more effective than global icons.
Why we’re currently in a role model crisis
Social media has messed with our heads.
We’re now bombarded with "lifestyle" role models who are essentially playing a character. It's performative. When we ask what's a role model in the age of Instagram, we often accidentally describe an influencer. The difference is depth. An influencer wants your attention; a role model influences your character.
The "Comparison Trap" is real. A study by the Royal Society for Public Health found that platforms like Instagram can negatively impact body image and sleep. When your role model is a filtered version of reality, you're chasing a ghost. It’s not just about the "what" (the cars, the vacations, the titles); it’s about the "how" (the grit, the ethics, the daily grind). If you don't see the "how," you aren't looking at a role model. You're looking at a billboard.
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How to actually choose someone worth following
Don't let an algorithm choose for you. Choosing a role model should be a deliberate act.
- Identify the specific trait. Don't just say "I want to be like Jane." Say "I want to handle conflict the way Jane does."
- Look for consistency. Anyone can be a saint for an hour. Who is consistent over a decade? Look at people like Warren Buffett. Regardless of what you think of his wealth, his investment philosophy and simple lifestyle have remained remarkably consistent for over sixty years.
- Check their "fail" record. A role model who has never failed is either lying or hasn't done anything difficult. You want someone who has hit a wall and kept going. That’s where the real lessons are.
There's a concept in psychology called "vicarious reinforcement." When you see your role model get rewarded for a specific behavior, your brain treats it as a mini-win for you too, which strengthens your resolve to act that way. But this only works if you actually respect the person. If you think they "cheated" to get their reward, the psychological link breaks.
The unexpected power of the "Anti-Hero"
Sometimes the best role model is the person everyone else is ignoring.
In business, we often look at the loud CEOs. But what about the person who has been the "number two" for twenty years and keeps the entire company from collapsing? In sports, it’s not always the MVP. Sometimes it’s the player who spent three years on the bench, never complained, and worked harder than the starters until they finally got their shot.
These are the "quiet" role models. They teach us about resilience and ego management—traits that are arguably more important for long-term happiness than raw talent.
Moving beyond the pedestal
You have to eventually stop looking up.
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At some point, the goal of having a role model is to internalize their qualities so thoroughly that you don't need to check in with their "example" anymore. You become the example. This is particularly important for parents and managers. Whether you like it or not, if people are looking to you for direction, you are a role model.
It’s a heavy lift. It means your "off" moments matter just as much as your "on" moments. Kids, for instance, don't listen to what you say; they watch what you do when you think they aren't looking. If you tell them to be honest but then brag about a "shady" deal you pulled off at work, they’ve learned everything they need to know about your real values.
Actionable steps for finding and using role models
Stop looking for one person to save you. Instead, build a "Personal Board of Directors." This is a group of people (some you know, some you don't) who represent the different pillars of the life you want to lead.
- The Skill Master: Someone who is objectively better than you at your primary craft. Study their technical moves.
- The Moral Compass: Someone whose integrity is non-negotiable. Look to them when you're tempted to cut corners.
- The Resilience Anchor: Someone who has survived a major setback. Read their biography or talk to them when things go sideways.
- The Local Legend: Someone in your actual life—a neighbor, a teacher, a boss—who lives a life that feels "right."
Once you have this "board," don't just admire them. Analyze them. If you’re reading about a role model like Katherine Johnson (the NASA mathematician), don't just focus on the fact that she was a genius. Focus on how she navigated a world that was actively trying to hold her back. What was her specific "move" in meetings? How did she phrase her corrections? That is how you turn an abstract concept into a practical tool.
Understanding what's a role model isn't about finding a hero to worship. It’s about finding a mirror that shows you a better version of yourself. It’s about finding the evidence that the life you want to live is actually possible.
The next step is simple: pick one specific trait you admire in someone else today. Don't worry about their whole life. Just pick that one thing—maybe the way they listen without interrupting or how they admit when they're wrong. Try it on for a week. See how it fits. That’s how modeling actually works. You don't become them; you just get better at being you.